I truly matters

Oct 14
I am finally free. The door is not locked.

Body woke up before 5 am. Laze bit till alarm rang at 5.20 am. Practice guru pooja followed by one cycle of Surya kriya. Started on breathing and suddenly cry. I cried that I Matters. I truly matters.
Stop my tears and then proceed to Shakti.
Shakti was good. I was able to focus well on Kapala Bhakti, only a slight loss of awareness during the last cycle; thinking about last tenure as Sathsang guide.
Shambavi was great. Towards the end I was crying again; I Matters. I truly matters.
I feel freed. I don't have to lead Sathsang. I don't have to be friend with Z and wife. I don't have to do anything that makes me sad; that ignores my feelings, that ignores me.

I understand now why the feeling of unlovability arise. I myself was not loving myself; not acknowledging my needs, not making myself matters. No one can make me matters except for myself.

Finally grasped the last week Osho tarot card
Resolution
The understanding
U are out of jail, out of cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours. All the star and moon and sun belongs to u. U can disappear into the blueness of the beyond..... Just drop clinging to this cage, move out of the cage and the whole sky is yours. Open ur wings and fly across the sun like an eagle.
In the inner sky, in the inner world, freedom is the highest value - everything else is secondary, even blissfulness, ecstasy.
There are thousands of flowers,  uncountable but they all become possible in the climate of freedom.

Adhyatma Upanishad - Osho
When all actions are body out of one's inner non-action, and the tots are arising out of one's thoughtlessness, and the words are born out of one's silence, such a person is called jivanamukta - one who is liberated while living.