Beginning new relationship with myself

Oct 19 eve

Walk in the park. Not an easy walk. Mind was distracted with tots of past and etc. All about how others tell me that I don't matter. I can see resentment rising. Towards the end of third cycle I came back to Now. Finally feeling the trees once more. Its need me to be switched on before they can connect with me. Its two way.

Feeling of unease arise. And this inner unease comes even when I was with Z and he didn't show care.
Father, no more. I spend one and half year with him and half year of heartbroken and half year of recovery. No more. Two and half year is a long time...
Looking at this I truly was so absorbed in him as if he was my center of universe.
I should be my own center.

Today 7thunder card

My Daily Card
The Ace of Hearts

The Ace of Hearts represents a desire for affection or love that is the stimulus that causes new relationships to be created. For this reason, it can indicate a new love affair or the birth of a child. Though influenced by each planetary period in a specific and unique way, this creative love energy always represents an awakening of love or passion in one's heart.

On a deeper level, the Ace of Hearts, being the very first card in the deck, represents a search for something inside of our self. Perhaps it is the search for self-identity or for those things that help us to love who we are unconditionally. In order to love ourselves, we often find someone to love who reflects back to us what we are seeking within. This is why the Ace of Hearts can represent a new relationship beginning.

Soul
No wonder. Such restlessness.
Again, a search for something inside of my self.
Once and for all, I will do it.
No more seeking outside.
No more relying myself on others.
I am responsible for my own ease...never others.

52 days in Mars - Oct 15 to Dec 5
My 52-Day Period Card in Destiny
The Seven of Diamonds

The Seven of Diamonds is one of the spiritual money cards. When it appears we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realizing and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.

Ruling
Three of Spades (creativity, stress, working two jobs)
Known as the Artist card as it most creative. It is so creative if not channelled properly, it can represent indecision, fear and physical stress.

Soul
No wonder, such restlessness arise...a Seven and a Three,...
Will just have to see this period through...
Great that I am going for Samyama in November, another 3 weeks to go...