Supppressed anger, hate and jealousy feelings

Oct 13 eve

Father, I tot to make my last Sathsang good. Was going to enjoy myself, full parade. Alas, there miscommunication on the hall can only be handover at 5.05 pm and that gives us less than half hour to set up. Of course I was stressed. And then because I had Mac, the technical team cannot handle and so I got to figure out things myself. Couldn't get the Itune to work, fiddle on my own and finally it worked. By then the hall was hall full.
I couldn't prepare myself for Sathsang fully. I start to do aum chanting and suddenly I cried, I cried that I don't want to be Sathsang guide anymore. No more. Please stop.
I stop my tears and try to ground myself but tears comes again. Then I got up and went to toilet. When I sat down tears comes again, now wrecking from the guts; crying I don't want to be Sathsang guide; I don't want; no more. My eyes was red and I m sure others can see. Ad asked me and I said this be my last stint as guide; no more. L asked me why I cried and I said I no longer want to be guide.

Did the opening but voice bit hoarse cos cry too much. I did Brahmananda, laughing loads. I also did partial purification. When Sadhguru said picture ur anger; I was angry at Z for leaving me. When Sadhguru said picture ur hate; I said I hate Z for coming back to my life with his new wife. I hate my brother too for the past. When Sadhguru said about jealousy; I said I m jealous of Z's wife and also all the women who had good partners. When Sadhguru said about fears; I said I was afraid I m not lovable, afraid I will be without partner; I will grow old by myself. Then all these issues are exhaled and expressed.

Father, I didn't do this purification meditation for the past 3 years, since I become a guide. Such a great release. I didn't knew I had suppressed all these feelings.

Father, I admit I tot I took a six month sabbatical but today breakdown tells me that I had to rest for good.

When I got back home I saw that they were making fun of my whatsapp message about discipline on timing. I was miffed and also now knowing about my feelings of anger and hate for Z; I deleted myself from all the group chats.

I have decided that I will no longer be the main guide. I need not hold the fort; I need not keep up a good front. I need not pretend. I need not lead when I truly don't want to.

Feels great exiting from all whatsapp groups. Feels good to acknowledge my feelings. And the best thing is that I need no longer pretend that I m ok. Cos I m not ok. I need not always have to be the strong one. I need always pretend that  I don't matter. I matters. My feelings matters. As I was typing this I was crying again.

Father, the situation today just exacerbate my prolong decision on quitting as guide. Thank You for making me realised that it is finally time.  Everything happens for a reason.

Alas knowing I got anger and hate for Z and jealousy for his wife brings things out in the open. Yea, can now be truly healed from the past. Great purification meditation.