Not communicating my feeling is being unloving to myself

Oct 24
Woke up just before alarm. I recalled I was on a dream. Yesterday Samyama I was disturbed by S's call. I didn't want to pick up. Truly wanted to tell her off.
Anyway, despite the disturbance my body was good. No drowsiness.

Did one cycle of Surya kriya and asanas, it was good. Body was not tired and so did a quick Shavasana. Did a long breathing meditation, nice. Shakti was abridged. Shambavi was great. Head shaking non stop at every posture.
During aum chanting, suddenly I cried no one loves me. I just let myself cry and later it subsides and a tot came; no one love me but I can love myself. Suddenly I realised I projected my love outward. Pe said those difficult people seeking my love and I can't give. On the contrary others would have shut them off long time ago. Here I keep on giving chance, letting them come back and they keep hurting me and totally not appreciative. Well, time to take back n love myself instead.
Towards the end, head shaking non stop, making animals sounds and then just contentment. Towards the end a thankfulness came to me. Amen.

Been trying my best to give others what I tot I should receive. Not only not appreciated by others but I m not being loving to myself; not giving to myself and attacking my own self instead. No longer need to project my needs to others. We all have different needs.

Got this from FB
Just because we can,
Doesn't me we should
Just because we always have,
Doesn't mean we always have to.
Once we know better, we should do better.

Soul
Gave S the following message.
After so many rounds of verbal attack from u and no feeling of remorse thereafter. I had enough. I no longer welcome ur calls.

I truly matters and if I don't matters to them, they need not be in my life. I want to gain back myself.

This week card
1. Issue
New vision
The figure on this card is being born anew, emerging from his earthbound roots and growing wings to fly into the unbounded. The dark and difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.

Soul
Finally learning to set and communicate my parameters on personal relationships.

Internal influence
Breakthrough
The dawn is not far away but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
All of us occasionally reach a point where "enough is enough". And at such times we must do something, anything, even if it laters turn out to be a mistake, to throw off the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself. If u r feeling "enough is is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.

Soul
Break up the first parental personal relationship I had for years.
It wasn't easy but I got to love myself. I know now I can't rely on others to love me. I can't wait. Everyone is here to love themselves and then everyone can be happy on their own.
Second step is asking for the six month sabbaticals on being a guide.
The breakdown during Sathsang and the deletion of all group whatsapp was the starting point.

3. External influence.
No-thingness
Nothingness to nothingness is the journey.
Being in the gap can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of any choices and possibilities might lie ahead. All u can do now is to relax into this nothingness ... fall into this silence between the words. ... watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breathe. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something. Sacred is about to be born.

4. What is needed for resolution?
The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now its time to move on. No matter how fuzzy the slippers, how tasty the piña colada, there are skies upon skies still waiting to be explored.

Soul
Tot S finally calling it quits. Unexpectedly received her call and hence I need to end it.
And need to meet Sr to execute my plan.

5. Resolution
Control
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u are not nervous - whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing.

If mistakes happen, it's okay. If things get out a little out of hand, it's probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being on top of things.

Soul
Yeap.