Nov 29 even
Father, a good meet with V. I shared with him that I had to let go of outsourced payroll services. I told him that I have complained and asked for additional resources but was ignored.
V said that's because both e and s knows I can fix it. He also commented that I was bold to drop it, a departure from my normal fix it behaviour. Normally I fixed it and then I leave I replied that I m staying put and I know the never ending changes from E and push from S. That's why I drop it cos I don't want a long term pain as I m staying.
He also commented, I was not worried about being labelled a failure. That is true.
I was not afraid of the judgement on my capability, I was more afraid that we need to drop also outsourced finance and need to retrench and also cut costs on remaining finance staff. But I m willing to cut my salary further by 2k. I am also not afraid of company going down.
Father, yea. I was a fixer for self Defense. I wanted to upholds my self valuation. Now that I knew my fear, I just face it, need not defend it. Amen.
On S, she attacked me today, as if she is my boss. I had hoped she will change but nope. She is like a dog that bites the hands that feeds it. She is Four of Clubs, will never change. She drains my energy, my goodwill. I truly feel like dropping it. I had continued out of responsibility, compassion, out of guilt for leaving her twice.
Z will not change, just like S. False hopes from my end.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Fear of not having enough money is gone
Nov 29
Father, my body woke up before alarm. I found myself sleeping on the right hand side of my queen sized bed. This has never happened before. Somehow my body was edging towards the salt lamp's lights. I finally woke up at 4.30 am when alarm rang. There were bit of resistance, which I ignored as I already skip hata on Tuesday, so have to do today. Suria Namaskara was quite effortless. I was able to hold my feet by second cycle. The knees are also more relaxed. Shakti and Shambhavi were fine. I m so thankful for having the tools.
On the outsourced services, we used to think we r pitiful for having the biggest portfolio. But it is now a blessing in disguise as we now have the option to terminate our services. We r letting go payroll. Next in line will be finance. But I think is good for Sk to learn from S. Sk is average n be good for her personal advancement. As for us,worst case is I cut my pay further by 2k. I m no longer afraid for my financial security in current company. We may not grow but we will not die cos we do have good people.
Also I can now focus back on current company.
Father, the old me would have been afraid to let go of outsourced services due to fear of future, fear of financial security. Amen. Finally, my issue with money is gone.
My osho resolution card is so apt. Completion
Whatever has been absorbing ur time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, u will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.
Ace of Spades
It is traditional card for death, change and transformation. U will go thru some sort of death or rebirth.
Soul
So apt. Death of My fear of money and Birth of new beginnings. Amen.
Father, my body woke up before alarm. I found myself sleeping on the right hand side of my queen sized bed. This has never happened before. Somehow my body was edging towards the salt lamp's lights. I finally woke up at 4.30 am when alarm rang. There were bit of resistance, which I ignored as I already skip hata on Tuesday, so have to do today. Suria Namaskara was quite effortless. I was able to hold my feet by second cycle. The knees are also more relaxed. Shakti and Shambhavi were fine. I m so thankful for having the tools.
On the outsourced services, we used to think we r pitiful for having the biggest portfolio. But it is now a blessing in disguise as we now have the option to terminate our services. We r letting go payroll. Next in line will be finance. But I think is good for Sk to learn from S. Sk is average n be good for her personal advancement. As for us,worst case is I cut my pay further by 2k. I m no longer afraid for my financial security in current company. We may not grow but we will not die cos we do have good people.
Also I can now focus back on current company.
Father, the old me would have been afraid to let go of outsourced services due to fear of future, fear of financial security. Amen. Finally, my issue with money is gone.
My osho resolution card is so apt. Completion
Whatever has been absorbing ur time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, u will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.
Ace of Spades
It is traditional card for death, change and transformation. U will go thru some sort of death or rebirth.
Soul
So apt. Death of My fear of money and Birth of new beginnings. Amen.
Completion...what a release
Nov 28 eve
Father, great news. My regional boss also wants me to release payroll services. And he wants it to be done asap. He doesn't want them to use our system also. He asked me why I so nice to offer my services when they r not willing to pay. I told him its because I need to sweeten the deal so they take it out asap.
Now that I know I got my boss support, I don't have to seek E's agreement to take back payroll. I now have authority to give back. My tie with ex company ends. I got Nine of Spades today.
At first I was bit worried about S's reaction. But later I tot that she too will act on it too. Besides, her Finance cum Payroll person is in and there is also a HR manager. And J can recruit a contract payroll person asap.
Ninth letter
Laughter is a conscious impulse which ripples across ur skies, from one planet to another
Soul
Now reading Sadhguru's book. He talks about judging situations and not people.
Knowledge means ur impression of things, ur reading of the world, not the way the world is. The more knowledge u have the less u experience. So, when it comes to life, do not gather knowledge; experience it the way it is right now.
Once u judge something as good or bad, attachment comes in. U r naturally drawn to and get attached to, what you consider good. Everything that u consider bad, u repel, and negative emotions flow.
Once u get attached to something, once ur intellect get attached to something, it get distorted. It cannot see anything the way it is.
So the most important thing that human being needs to do is keep his intellect free from all identifications.
Soul
This is similar to my The Fool card.
I called Z but no response. He is in my prayer daily. So, no need to shut him off. If I want to call, do it.
Father, great news. My regional boss also wants me to release payroll services. And he wants it to be done asap. He doesn't want them to use our system also. He asked me why I so nice to offer my services when they r not willing to pay. I told him its because I need to sweeten the deal so they take it out asap.
Now that I know I got my boss support, I don't have to seek E's agreement to take back payroll. I now have authority to give back. My tie with ex company ends. I got Nine of Spades today.
At first I was bit worried about S's reaction. But later I tot that she too will act on it too. Besides, her Finance cum Payroll person is in and there is also a HR manager. And J can recruit a contract payroll person asap.
Ninth letter
Laughter is a conscious impulse which ripples across ur skies, from one planet to another
Soul
Now reading Sadhguru's book. He talks about judging situations and not people.
Knowledge means ur impression of things, ur reading of the world, not the way the world is. The more knowledge u have the less u experience. So, when it comes to life, do not gather knowledge; experience it the way it is right now.
Once u judge something as good or bad, attachment comes in. U r naturally drawn to and get attached to, what you consider good. Everything that u consider bad, u repel, and negative emotions flow.
Once u get attached to something, once ur intellect get attached to something, it get distorted. It cannot see anything the way it is.
So the most important thing that human being needs to do is keep his intellect free from all identifications.
Soul
This is similar to my The Fool card.
I called Z but no response. He is in my prayer daily. So, no need to shut him off. If I want to call, do it.
Projections
Nov 28
Father, woke up 7 am to do my practices. The asanas were not great but I was giggling on the lying down asanas. Breathing meditation was fine. Both shakti and shambavi were good. Surka kriya is lovely and peaceful.
Have written my article on my hidden need for approval.
Now updating my blog and also refer to my this week Osho cards.
What is needed for resolution.
- Projections
All of us can get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. It happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgement; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projections can be devilish, divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projections nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is. The only way out is to recognise the game. When u find a judgement arising about another, turn it around : does what u see in others really belongs to u? Is ur vision clear or clouded by what u want to see.
Resolution
Even in the ever-changing flow of life, there are moments we are able to perceive the whole picture, the composite of all the small pieces that have occupied our attention for so long. In the finishing, we can either be in despair because we don't want the situation to come to an end, or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and new beginnings
Soul
Yea, I was so desolate about the mask being off cos now there is nowhere to hide. All my suffering was just me seeking approval, of me feeling insecure, of my fears.
I am still sad, but I m glad there is hope for RA now. I will heal completely once I reached Ashram. Amen for the perfect timing.
Father, woke up 7 am to do my practices. The asanas were not great but I was giggling on the lying down asanas. Breathing meditation was fine. Both shakti and shambavi were good. Surka kriya is lovely and peaceful.
Have written my article on my hidden need for approval.
Now updating my blog and also refer to my this week Osho cards.
What is needed for resolution.
- Projections
All of us can get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. It happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgement; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projections can be devilish, divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projections nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is. The only way out is to recognise the game. When u find a judgement arising about another, turn it around : does what u see in others really belongs to u? Is ur vision clear or clouded by what u want to see.
Resolution
Even in the ever-changing flow of life, there are moments we are able to perceive the whole picture, the composite of all the small pieces that have occupied our attention for so long. In the finishing, we can either be in despair because we don't want the situation to come to an end, or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and new beginnings
Soul
Yea, I was so desolate about the mask being off cos now there is nowhere to hide. All my suffering was just me seeking approval, of me feeling insecure, of my fears.
I am still sad, but I m glad there is hope for RA now. I will heal completely once I reached Ashram. Amen for the perfect timing.
Loud Shoonya..
Nov 27 eve
Father, I wrote the email to both parties (both current and ex-boss/client). There is no reply from both of them. My judge came in and try to budge me. But I replied, "Well, even if I failed, I know I have put up a fight". My team be fine. And we have to keep it. But let's see.
Just now Shoonya went in deep. My mouth start to form animal like sound. As if releasing my past. I also did Samyama. Towards the end, I suddenly tot of using opening invocation of sahana vavatu and suddenly, I followed up with guru pooja. This is a first time for me.
Sadhguru
Right now u r in this kind of childish behaviour that if situations around u r unpleasant, u will also become unpleasant. There is no intelligence in this. Especially if the situations around u r unpleasant, is it not all the more important that u be pleasant within urself.
Soul
Had a tot of SS, he has not been responding to emails recently. I will try to call him on Thursday. He is Queen of Diamond and Three of Clubs or was it Three of Spades. My Mars card is Three of spades and Three of Clubs. So, maybe this period is him. I was worried about renovation, reinstatement, revenue forecast, all due me seeking approval from him.
Father, I wrote the email to both parties (both current and ex-boss/client). There is no reply from both of them. My judge came in and try to budge me. But I replied, "Well, even if I failed, I know I have put up a fight". My team be fine. And we have to keep it. But let's see.
Just now Shoonya went in deep. My mouth start to form animal like sound. As if releasing my past. I also did Samyama. Towards the end, I suddenly tot of using opening invocation of sahana vavatu and suddenly, I followed up with guru pooja. This is a first time for me.
Sadhguru
Right now u r in this kind of childish behaviour that if situations around u r unpleasant, u will also become unpleasant. There is no intelligence in this. Especially if the situations around u r unpleasant, is it not all the more important that u be pleasant within urself.
Soul
Had a tot of SS, he has not been responding to emails recently. I will try to call him on Thursday. He is Queen of Diamond and Three of Clubs or was it Three of Spades. My Mars card is Three of spades and Three of Clubs. So, maybe this period is him. I was worried about renovation, reinstatement, revenue forecast, all due me seeking approval from him.
Body wakes up on its own
Nov 27
Father, I slept very late yday. My mind was working overtime on our outsourced services.
I think I slept around 1 am. I just focused on breathing and relaxed my mind. Minutes later I started to laugh. In the midst of commotion, I suddenly recalled Z's court case. So, I just msg him. By the time he replied, I was asleep.
To my surprise, my body wake up refreshed at 5 plus. I checked the time and its nearly 5.30 am. I woke up to do my isha practices.
Father, these days, I seems to know my body is not me. It seem to have a will on its own. Just like, I resist to do suria namaskara but body likes it. I tot I cannot wake up today but body can. I tot I cannot type with screen but body can. I tot I cannot drive big car, but now I can. I tot I will never like ashram food but now l can.
Father, eventhough I didn't do hata, but practices were fine. Mudra, cat stretch and surka kriya was good. Sadhguru, thanks for these tools.
Father, I slept very late yday. My mind was working overtime on our outsourced services.
I think I slept around 1 am. I just focused on breathing and relaxed my mind. Minutes later I started to laugh. In the midst of commotion, I suddenly recalled Z's court case. So, I just msg him. By the time he replied, I was asleep.
To my surprise, my body wake up refreshed at 5 plus. I checked the time and its nearly 5.30 am. I woke up to do my isha practices.
Father, these days, I seems to know my body is not me. It seem to have a will on its own. Just like, I resist to do suria namaskara but body likes it. I tot I cannot wake up today but body can. I tot I cannot type with screen but body can. I tot I cannot drive big car, but now I can. I tot I will never like ashram food but now l can.
Father, eventhough I didn't do hata, but practices were fine. Mudra, cat stretch and surka kriya was good. Sadhguru, thanks for these tools.
No more mask to wear...
Nov 26 aft
Father, the old me start to have negative tots on people. I now realised its because I sought their approval. Father, alas I can see my negative tots is just a defence mechanism so that I couldn't see myself.
(Nov 30 _ doing it again...today)
Nov 26 even
Father, just now I cried loads during Shoonya. I cried cos I got nothing left of me, no more hiding place, no more pride. I am just someone whose life is based on seeking approval from others.
No wonder so difficult to let go of Z. I was afraid that if u cannot get approval from my boyfriend, what's more from others who doesn't know me as well. Now I know the meaning of The Burden Osho card that I always carry.
I feel much better now, all my tensions released. It was quite a bad day, my team was crucified and I had to apologise for our services. At first, I did react on my staff mentally. But before I could deliver my anger, I knew its my image, my valuation that I am fighting. With that anger is gone.
Father, guide me through this difficult period. I am so thankful that I be going to Ashram in 2 weeks time. I lost my confidence, I lost my edge, I lost my fighting spirit, I lost myself, nothing to hold on to. I got no more masks to wear. The masks have been removed and I am too conscious to wear them again.
As I was writing this, I tot, that's breaking my limitation, my personalities, my shell. I feel so vulnerable and raw, so naked. So, this unexpected removal of my masks, my projection is good.
I now need to go for Pancha Arudhana to sew myself up anew.
Father, Sadhguru said Shoonya can only happened when u surrendered. So, I just continue for now on my mode. Who knows, once I am ready, I be completely silent and motionless.
Sadhguru, thanks for your tools. Amen.
Complaints again on human resource executive. I m trying to give her chance and also to give us chance. Father, guide me on what is best. I don't have clarity, I am afraid I could be on the wrong.
We could terminate her but that one put us on a spot. I am also not sure if we can get a superwoman.
Father, the old me start to have negative tots on people. I now realised its because I sought their approval. Father, alas I can see my negative tots is just a defence mechanism so that I couldn't see myself.
(Nov 30 _ doing it again...today)
Nov 26 even
Father, just now I cried loads during Shoonya. I cried cos I got nothing left of me, no more hiding place, no more pride. I am just someone whose life is based on seeking approval from others.
No wonder so difficult to let go of Z. I was afraid that if u cannot get approval from my boyfriend, what's more from others who doesn't know me as well. Now I know the meaning of The Burden Osho card that I always carry.
I feel much better now, all my tensions released. It was quite a bad day, my team was crucified and I had to apologise for our services. At first, I did react on my staff mentally. But before I could deliver my anger, I knew its my image, my valuation that I am fighting. With that anger is gone.
Father, guide me through this difficult period. I am so thankful that I be going to Ashram in 2 weeks time. I lost my confidence, I lost my edge, I lost my fighting spirit, I lost myself, nothing to hold on to. I got no more masks to wear. The masks have been removed and I am too conscious to wear them again.
As I was writing this, I tot, that's breaking my limitation, my personalities, my shell. I feel so vulnerable and raw, so naked. So, this unexpected removal of my masks, my projection is good.
I now need to go for Pancha Arudhana to sew myself up anew.
Father, Sadhguru said Shoonya can only happened when u surrendered. So, I just continue for now on my mode. Who knows, once I am ready, I be completely silent and motionless.
Sadhguru, thanks for your tools. Amen.
Complaints again on human resource executive. I m trying to give her chance and also to give us chance. Father, guide me on what is best. I don't have clarity, I am afraid I could be on the wrong.
We could terminate her but that one put us on a spot. I am also not sure if we can get a superwoman.
I am coming back to Hata..
Nov 26
Woke up at 4.30 am, had some tots of P, on whether she is on right track or not, following veda could just be another conditioning. Immediately a tot came, you r just trying to lower her valuation, so u feel better. Actually, you never had her approval, so stop trying to gain it back. I am truly a seeker of approval. No wonder S affected me previously cos she is the one staff that does not approve of me.
Suria Namaskara was quite effortless. I got into swing by second cycle. I was giggling, feeling subtle body. Even the stress on my knee when I stretched my hand to the floor is reduced considerably.
Breathing meditation was good. Shakti and shambavi was good too. Surka kriya was lovely and I can now even sense the separate workings of each lung.
Ninth letter
U have also begun to remove ur own defences and because of this, u will find that - at last - u r achieving true self esteem and peace of mind. This new understanding of the feelings of others will inspire in u a great respect for them. U will want to deal with them justly, giving them their dues, never wanting to take advantage of their good-nature, never wanting to put them down, reduce their self esteem, always ready to encourage and pick them up when they're in pain - physical or emotional.
U will find yourself doing these things for yourself too. U will become your own counsellor, support, healer.
U will see each person, no matter what their status, as of equal basic reality as ur own. Therefore, u will no longer feel inadequate in any situation, because u have move forward in the strength and wisdom drawn Divine Consciousness, and recognise that u, too, have equal rights with everyone else.
Each time, u conquer ego in yourself, it becomes that much easier to relate to others because u are reaching an understanding of the function of ego in all people. As time passes and you are gradually released from the grip of ur ego-drive, u will find that, more and more, u can listen to others with soul empathy and love. If they behave in a way which would have hurt or offended u previously, u will feel the welling up of laughter instead. U will then know that ur soul is in direct contact with Divine Consciousness - for Its natural state is that of laughter.
Soul
Amen. Another affirmation that I am on the rights track.
(Nov 30 _ I didn't laugh when S was 'attacking' me yesterday. At the moment, I just wanted to drop it)
Woke up at 4.30 am, had some tots of P, on whether she is on right track or not, following veda could just be another conditioning. Immediately a tot came, you r just trying to lower her valuation, so u feel better. Actually, you never had her approval, so stop trying to gain it back. I am truly a seeker of approval. No wonder S affected me previously cos she is the one staff that does not approve of me.
Suria Namaskara was quite effortless. I got into swing by second cycle. I was giggling, feeling subtle body. Even the stress on my knee when I stretched my hand to the floor is reduced considerably.
Breathing meditation was good. Shakti and shambavi was good too. Surka kriya was lovely and I can now even sense the separate workings of each lung.
Ninth letter
U have also begun to remove ur own defences and because of this, u will find that - at last - u r achieving true self esteem and peace of mind. This new understanding of the feelings of others will inspire in u a great respect for them. U will want to deal with them justly, giving them their dues, never wanting to take advantage of their good-nature, never wanting to put them down, reduce their self esteem, always ready to encourage and pick them up when they're in pain - physical or emotional.
U will find yourself doing these things for yourself too. U will become your own counsellor, support, healer.
U will see each person, no matter what their status, as of equal basic reality as ur own. Therefore, u will no longer feel inadequate in any situation, because u have move forward in the strength and wisdom drawn Divine Consciousness, and recognise that u, too, have equal rights with everyone else.
Each time, u conquer ego in yourself, it becomes that much easier to relate to others because u are reaching an understanding of the function of ego in all people. As time passes and you are gradually released from the grip of ur ego-drive, u will find that, more and more, u can listen to others with soul empathy and love. If they behave in a way which would have hurt or offended u previously, u will feel the welling up of laughter instead. U will then know that ur soul is in direct contact with Divine Consciousness - for Its natural state is that of laughter.
Soul
Amen. Another affirmation that I am on the rights track.
(Nov 30 _ I didn't laugh when S was 'attacking' me yesterday. At the moment, I just wanted to drop it)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
One of my hidden projections...is now open
Nov 25 Eve
My 7thunders card is Six of hearts.
My osho card for today sums up my insights today.
Inner voice.
If u have found your truth within yourself, there is nothing more in this whole existence to find. Truth is functioning through u. When u open ur eyes, it is truth opening his eyes. When u close ur eyes, it is truth who is closing its eyes.
This tremendous meditation. If u can simply understand this device, u don't have to do anything; whatever u r doing is being done by truth. U r Silent, it is truth that is silent
Soul
That's exactly how I felt when I lie down for 3 hours for facial. Somehow I just feel complete, despite knowing my fears and my need for approval, my whole perspective of myself as the courageous and fearless personalities is over turned.
Yea, I seems to be on meditation mode.
Just now I saw a work email to my staff and cc me that seems to show my staff on bad light. Infact I already told the staff to check earlier but her email doesn't say so. I was started to draft a reply that I am aware, then I stop cos I knew I want to reply so my team or rather me doesn't look bad. Even for such a small matter, I too couldn't look bad. I decided I can let this be. So I stopped writing and didn't send.
Just now received a mail from Z asking for some professional advice for his friend, I didn't have any illusions that he is coming back. It was just a request for information, nothing more than that. The old me would have interpreted otherwise. When I am writing these, tears start to brim, a tot came, this is real truth, not my projection, not my hope, no more hiding, no more illusions.
Inner Voice
This is one of the most simple meditation techniques. Slowly, slowly everything settles by this simple formula and then there is no need for the technique. Then u lived as truth - alive, radiant, contented, blissful, a song unto yourself.
Soul
Not sure about that yet. I know I still need to do Isha practices.
Inner Voice
If it had a face, alert and watchful, and able to accept both the dark and the light. A clarity that comes from transcending all dualities.
Soul
Yes, I am seeing my own truth, my hidden dark side. Amen.
My 7thunders card is Six of hearts.
My osho card for today sums up my insights today.
Inner voice.
If u have found your truth within yourself, there is nothing more in this whole existence to find. Truth is functioning through u. When u open ur eyes, it is truth opening his eyes. When u close ur eyes, it is truth who is closing its eyes.
This tremendous meditation. If u can simply understand this device, u don't have to do anything; whatever u r doing is being done by truth. U r Silent, it is truth that is silent
Soul
That's exactly how I felt when I lie down for 3 hours for facial. Somehow I just feel complete, despite knowing my fears and my need for approval, my whole perspective of myself as the courageous and fearless personalities is over turned.
Yea, I seems to be on meditation mode.
Just now I saw a work email to my staff and cc me that seems to show my staff on bad light. Infact I already told the staff to check earlier but her email doesn't say so. I was started to draft a reply that I am aware, then I stop cos I knew I want to reply so my team or rather me doesn't look bad. Even for such a small matter, I too couldn't look bad. I decided I can let this be. So I stopped writing and didn't send.
Just now received a mail from Z asking for some professional advice for his friend, I didn't have any illusions that he is coming back. It was just a request for information, nothing more than that. The old me would have interpreted otherwise. When I am writing these, tears start to brim, a tot came, this is real truth, not my projection, not my hope, no more hiding, no more illusions.
Inner Voice
This is one of the most simple meditation techniques. Slowly, slowly everything settles by this simple formula and then there is no need for the technique. Then u lived as truth - alive, radiant, contented, blissful, a song unto yourself.
Soul
Not sure about that yet. I know I still need to do Isha practices.
Inner Voice
If it had a face, alert and watchful, and able to accept both the dark and the light. A clarity that comes from transcending all dualities.
Soul
Yes, I am seeing my own truth, my hidden dark side. Amen.
There is hope to heal my RA
Nov 25 afternoon
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself.
I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I have always wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress. You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Nov 25 afternoon (hope to heal my RA)
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself. I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress
You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself.
I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I have always wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress. You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Nov 25 afternoon (hope to heal my RA)
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself. I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress
You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Natal Chart now 95% - a great masquerade
Nov 25
Father, I woke up at 6.45 am n went for morning walk in the park. I just focus on watching my breathe n there were little tots, a peaceful walk.
On Z, I am now sure that I can let go. I am quite sad that I m not as confident as I tot. I now know why I am affected whenever I perceived that others are not approving of me. I started my inner journey because I don't want to be affected emotionally by others. I wanted to stealth myself against others. I wanted self-mastery.
Suddenly tot of reading my Natal Chart.
Pluto card in my natal chart
You are capable of maintaining a great masquerade. In lieu of struggling to control others, work to control yourself. Instead of stealthing yourself against others, strive to plummet the depths of your own soul.
You are wilful n a rebel. You are capable of about as much personal change as u decide. Rather than reacting or responding to circumstance, try initiating change.
You could achieve great wealth. You have a talent for transforming yourself and society. It a good idea for u to further ur own stealth. Learn to relate to people in a big way. You can do something distinguished and prominent for the great masses of people. You can help the disadvantages.
Soul
I recalled I couldn't relate to this. Now I finally agreed with it.
I am affected by people because I care for their approval. Now I know why I faced Dilemma in opening my website and blog.
Neptune
Learn to communicate ur ideas to others professionally. To become more than a daydreamer, learn to do whatever it takes to act, the instant u have a creative idea.
Somewhat consciously and somewhat unconsciously, u will be influenced by and personally able to utilise supernatural forces. We're talking seeking truth and self mastery. Put an end to the insignificant side of ur life. Develop a mystical comprehension of destiny
Learn reverse paranoia. Imagine that everyone is out to help u and make ur life better. Loosen oppression.
To fulfill ur destiny, u need to develop ur pyschic and intuitive skills. Just as importantly, u need to learn to see urself and other people and situations as they are, not as u really wish them to be.
Soul
Father, I have not been active on my ideas. I was caught in my dilemma of risking approval. I admitted I now can see myself with clarity. I now know what started my search, the pain of being affected by people. I will let this period of knowing my fears and my need for approval. I used to judged people for such issues and now I realised its my own projection.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
(Nov 28 - yeap, there is 2 sides of me)
Father, I woke up at 6.45 am n went for morning walk in the park. I just focus on watching my breathe n there were little tots, a peaceful walk.
On Z, I am now sure that I can let go. I am quite sad that I m not as confident as I tot. I now know why I am affected whenever I perceived that others are not approving of me. I started my inner journey because I don't want to be affected emotionally by others. I wanted to stealth myself against others. I wanted self-mastery.
Suddenly tot of reading my Natal Chart.
Pluto card in my natal chart
You are capable of maintaining a great masquerade. In lieu of struggling to control others, work to control yourself. Instead of stealthing yourself against others, strive to plummet the depths of your own soul.
You are wilful n a rebel. You are capable of about as much personal change as u decide. Rather than reacting or responding to circumstance, try initiating change.
You could achieve great wealth. You have a talent for transforming yourself and society. It a good idea for u to further ur own stealth. Learn to relate to people in a big way. You can do something distinguished and prominent for the great masses of people. You can help the disadvantages.
Soul
I recalled I couldn't relate to this. Now I finally agreed with it.
I am affected by people because I care for their approval. Now I know why I faced Dilemma in opening my website and blog.
Neptune
Learn to communicate ur ideas to others professionally. To become more than a daydreamer, learn to do whatever it takes to act, the instant u have a creative idea.
Somewhat consciously and somewhat unconsciously, u will be influenced by and personally able to utilise supernatural forces. We're talking seeking truth and self mastery. Put an end to the insignificant side of ur life. Develop a mystical comprehension of destiny
Learn reverse paranoia. Imagine that everyone is out to help u and make ur life better. Loosen oppression.
To fulfill ur destiny, u need to develop ur pyschic and intuitive skills. Just as importantly, u need to learn to see urself and other people and situations as they are, not as u really wish them to be.
Soul
Father, I have not been active on my ideas. I was caught in my dilemma of risking approval. I admitted I now can see myself with clarity. I now know what started my search, the pain of being affected by people. I will let this period of knowing my fears and my need for approval. I used to judged people for such issues and now I realised its my own projection.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
(Nov 28 - yeap, there is 2 sides of me)
Sadhguru on man-woman relationship
Sadhguru
The attachment is not to somebody. This must be clearly understood. The attachment is to ur body. Because u r deeply attached to this body, u get attached to somebody. If u have no attachment to this body, u cannot get attached to anybody. Please see that.
So u do not have to work on ur attachments to people around u. U really need to work on ur attachment to ur own body. As u release yourself from this, u r free from everything.
It s just that u have exposed ur body to somebody and u think that is closeness. Somewhere u have shared certain things with somebody, which u cannot share with anybody and everybody on the street.
This is because ur religions, ur cultures, ur morals have brought a certain shame and a certain sense of impurity into the basis biological process of life. It has become a way of opening up to a certain person, because the only thing u r capable of opening up to somebody is ur body. Unfortunately, this is the highest opening that people are able to offer to each other. The biggest they can offer is opening their bodies to each other. Nothing more is happening.
The secret between them is that they have opened their bodies to each other. They have a kind of nucleus between them. It is a conspiracy. It is a certain kind of conspiracy that they have, that they cannot share with anybody else. But it is not enough. And u will never be fulfilled with it.
Soul
That's bit heavy. So, I m on the right track. Just focus on my practices, then I will not depend on others for my valuation. Once I am valuable inside by myself, I will no longer need validation from outstanding.
I have overcome validation from work, validation from Isha friends and validation from my boyfriend. Or I should say my ex-boyfriend.
The attachment is not to somebody. This must be clearly understood. The attachment is to ur body. Because u r deeply attached to this body, u get attached to somebody. If u have no attachment to this body, u cannot get attached to anybody. Please see that.
So u do not have to work on ur attachments to people around u. U really need to work on ur attachment to ur own body. As u release yourself from this, u r free from everything.
It s just that u have exposed ur body to somebody and u think that is closeness. Somewhere u have shared certain things with somebody, which u cannot share with anybody and everybody on the street.
This is because ur religions, ur cultures, ur morals have brought a certain shame and a certain sense of impurity into the basis biological process of life. It has become a way of opening up to a certain person, because the only thing u r capable of opening up to somebody is ur body. Unfortunately, this is the highest opening that people are able to offer to each other. The biggest they can offer is opening their bodies to each other. Nothing more is happening.
The secret between them is that they have opened their bodies to each other. They have a kind of nucleus between them. It is a conspiracy. It is a certain kind of conspiracy that they have, that they cannot share with anybody else. But it is not enough. And u will never be fulfilled with it.
Soul
That's bit heavy. So, I m on the right track. Just focus on my practices, then I will not depend on others for my valuation. Once I am valuable inside by myself, I will no longer need validation from outstanding.
I have overcome validation from work, validation from Isha friends and validation from my boyfriend. Or I should say my ex-boyfriend.
Shoonya happens only when u surrender..
Nov 24 Eve
Sadhguru
When u do Shoonya, u r actually in surrender. If surrender is not there, there is no Shoonya, please see. Meditation is deep surrender. If u really become meditative, u r in surrender.
Surrender is just like darkness. It always is. It is not something that u do. Whatever u do is just a brief happening. Whatever u do is like a wave which comes and goes away, but it is not the ocean. The ocean is always there. It is the wave which is rising and receding.
Surrender is to break this cycle of little happenings in ur life and to fall back on the vastness, into the boundlessness of what life is. Surrender is something that u become. It is a quality.
Soul
That's what I tot too. When I meditate, I open up my doors, then become receptive and nature helps me to open all. When I am meditating, I am not as bothered about others people.
(Nov 28 - now I finally knew why I love meditation...cos I can let go, truly need not bother about other people..or rather need not bother of what I think of myself....)
Sadhguru
When u do Shoonya, u r actually in surrender. If surrender is not there, there is no Shoonya, please see. Meditation is deep surrender. If u really become meditative, u r in surrender.
Surrender is just like darkness. It always is. It is not something that u do. Whatever u do is just a brief happening. Whatever u do is like a wave which comes and goes away, but it is not the ocean. The ocean is always there. It is the wave which is rising and receding.
Surrender is to break this cycle of little happenings in ur life and to fall back on the vastness, into the boundlessness of what life is. Surrender is something that u become. It is a quality.
Soul
That's what I tot too. When I meditate, I open up my doors, then become receptive and nature helps me to open all. When I am meditating, I am not as bothered about others people.
(Nov 28 - now I finally knew why I love meditation...cos I can let go, truly need not bother about other people..or rather need not bother of what I think of myself....)
I am fearful and not fearless as I tot I am
Nov 24
Father, I find sleeping with the salt lamp is more restful, I woke up energized. I put alarm back to 7.30 am.
Did my usual guru pooja, followed by shakti and shambavi. Breathing with mudra was good. Surka kriya was slightly difficult at first but was fine moments later. I went in deep and see violet flames.
Swim was ok today. I managed to practice breast strokes and water threading. At first I tot I missed swimming today cos it was raining heavily but it stopped minutes before 9.30am, so I quickly changed and drive out. I did good in free style and quite ok with breaststroke.
Father, while I was typing the journal, I tot it is good for me, it slowed down my mind. Previously I can type fast, so no stopping the mind. But now I need to slow down my mind cos I can't type fast.
Had a good session with P. We shared our feelings for past few months. I m glad that we finally got together. She started her questions since primary school and finally able to embark on her path after university. She been through many tools and Isha practices was the one she continues. She also into philosophy of Veda. She turns out to be a real pro.
Father, when I talked to her I become aware of how much I sought validation from people. For a moment, I tot I must be crazy to think she looked to me. She is way above me in her search. I m nowhere near her. Then I suddenly tot why do I need P or people's to look up to me???
If people approved of me, I am fine. Father, on the surface I seems not bothered but actually I do. Yea, me volunteering is due to people. That's why it is a burden cos I m not doing it for me. When I finally break down and pull out, I felt a sense of relief. What bothered me was how others view me. Whether they will reject me because I bailed out.
Father, I who tot I m fearless, is actually fearful. I who tot I don't care for other people's opinions is actually very bothered. Its just like when I had a difference of opinions with Z, I will go back to explain or justify my response so that he understands, so that he won't feel hurt, so that he won't rejects me.
Father, everything is truly not what it seems. Now I know why I attract fearful friends, friends who are affected by other's opinions, who can't take actions because of their fears and concern about people's reaction. I used to judge them and I got angry with them for not overcoming their fears and concerns. Alas I am one of them.
Now I know why I m perceived to be egoless with Z. I gave in to him cos I sought his approvals, I sought his love and attention. I was afraid of rejection. Alas, I m ready to face my fears. I m fine, the past is gone. The new me can face it. Amen.
Father, I find sleeping with the salt lamp is more restful, I woke up energized. I put alarm back to 7.30 am.
Did my usual guru pooja, followed by shakti and shambavi. Breathing with mudra was good. Surka kriya was slightly difficult at first but was fine moments later. I went in deep and see violet flames.
Swim was ok today. I managed to practice breast strokes and water threading. At first I tot I missed swimming today cos it was raining heavily but it stopped minutes before 9.30am, so I quickly changed and drive out. I did good in free style and quite ok with breaststroke.
Father, while I was typing the journal, I tot it is good for me, it slowed down my mind. Previously I can type fast, so no stopping the mind. But now I need to slow down my mind cos I can't type fast.
Had a good session with P. We shared our feelings for past few months. I m glad that we finally got together. She started her questions since primary school and finally able to embark on her path after university. She been through many tools and Isha practices was the one she continues. She also into philosophy of Veda. She turns out to be a real pro.
Father, when I talked to her I become aware of how much I sought validation from people. For a moment, I tot I must be crazy to think she looked to me. She is way above me in her search. I m nowhere near her. Then I suddenly tot why do I need P or people's to look up to me???
If people approved of me, I am fine. Father, on the surface I seems not bothered but actually I do. Yea, me volunteering is due to people. That's why it is a burden cos I m not doing it for me. When I finally break down and pull out, I felt a sense of relief. What bothered me was how others view me. Whether they will reject me because I bailed out.
Father, I who tot I m fearless, is actually fearful. I who tot I don't care for other people's opinions is actually very bothered. Its just like when I had a difference of opinions with Z, I will go back to explain or justify my response so that he understands, so that he won't feel hurt, so that he won't rejects me.
Father, everything is truly not what it seems. Now I know why I attract fearful friends, friends who are affected by other's opinions, who can't take actions because of their fears and concern about people's reaction. I used to judge them and I got angry with them for not overcoming their fears and concerns. Alas I am one of them.
Now I know why I m perceived to be egoless with Z. I gave in to him cos I sought his approvals, I sought his love and attention. I was afraid of rejection. Alas, I m ready to face my fears. I m fine, the past is gone. The new me can face it. Amen.
Sadhguru on relationships...
Nov 23 even
Father, today I did Shoonya and samyama in the evening. I felt much better. Not sure, but I m fine with his non response. Now that I know my fear, I m not as eager for my lesson. Perhaps it is over.
Sadhguru
All relationships come from a certain compulsion in u, because without fulfilling these relationships, u will be nothing.
There is another way to exist; one can exists without any relationships. One is so complete with himself that it does not matter. But right now the quality of ur relationships decides the quality of ur life. It is definitely deciding the quality of your life.
The basis of our relationships come from a certain need. U r trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships, by doing different type of activities. In other words, somehow we try to squeeze some happiness out people; somehow we try to get some happiness out of somebody who is next to us right now.
In a man-woman relationship, they r together, they r quarrelling. If u put them apart for 24 hours, they cannot be without each other. If u put them together, they will be back to the same thing. So, u cannot be without the person; u cannot be with the person. This is trouble.
If u become a source of joy by yourself, u and ur relationships are about sharing ur joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then u would have wonderful relationships with everybody.
Relationships have become a problem because we r not using them to enhance our lives. We r trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.
Soul
In general most of my relationships are good I only have problems with romantic relationships. That's where my fears are. That's where I m unhappy. That's where I lost control. That's where I feel insecure. That's where I avoid because of low success rate.
Father, today I did Shoonya and samyama in the evening. I felt much better. Not sure, but I m fine with his non response. Now that I know my fear, I m not as eager for my lesson. Perhaps it is over.
Sadhguru
All relationships come from a certain compulsion in u, because without fulfilling these relationships, u will be nothing.
There is another way to exist; one can exists without any relationships. One is so complete with himself that it does not matter. But right now the quality of ur relationships decides the quality of ur life. It is definitely deciding the quality of your life.
The basis of our relationships come from a certain need. U r trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships, by doing different type of activities. In other words, somehow we try to squeeze some happiness out people; somehow we try to get some happiness out of somebody who is next to us right now.
In a man-woman relationship, they r together, they r quarrelling. If u put them apart for 24 hours, they cannot be without each other. If u put them together, they will be back to the same thing. So, u cannot be without the person; u cannot be with the person. This is trouble.
If u become a source of joy by yourself, u and ur relationships are about sharing ur joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then u would have wonderful relationships with everybody.
Relationships have become a problem because we r not using them to enhance our lives. We r trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.
Soul
In general most of my relationships are good I only have problems with romantic relationships. That's where my fears are. That's where I m unhappy. That's where I lost control. That's where I feel insecure. That's where I avoid because of low success rate.
Laughing at my challenges of Z...
Nov 23
Father, I woke up at 7 am cos not working. Slept more. Didn't do hata. I commit to 4 times. So, one day rest.
My nose was really blocked, so difficult to do surka kriya. But I persevere n focus till I got violet flames. Today laughed loads during resting time.
Tot of z, why can't I have a norm boyfriend that doesn't trigger my fear. Then I laughed, cos if normal, my fear cannot find expression, it will be suppressed even more and aggravate my RA problem. So, perfect boyfriend for me. I can now see my fear. Z is just the tool to bring it out, hence my cosmic lessons, Faith.
Like Sadhguru said only in suffering, we learn. I m really glad. Amen.
No more resentment on Z. I now knew, it is the antidote to RA. It brings my fear outside instead of being inside the body.
I m still not sure if I go back. But its ok to ask if he still with me. I just messaged him. Let's see.
Father, Z has read my msg but didn't reply. The old me would have reacted but new me is not bothered. I can see my fear, so if there is no reason to confront it, I m fine.
I just had a long conversation with SL, I m glad our friendship is intact. I also accepted the role of being guide for pre samyama. And I also got the place booked. I just do what is needed. Amen
Father, I woke up at 7 am cos not working. Slept more. Didn't do hata. I commit to 4 times. So, one day rest.
My nose was really blocked, so difficult to do surka kriya. But I persevere n focus till I got violet flames. Today laughed loads during resting time.
Tot of z, why can't I have a norm boyfriend that doesn't trigger my fear. Then I laughed, cos if normal, my fear cannot find expression, it will be suppressed even more and aggravate my RA problem. So, perfect boyfriend for me. I can now see my fear. Z is just the tool to bring it out, hence my cosmic lessons, Faith.
Like Sadhguru said only in suffering, we learn. I m really glad. Amen.
No more resentment on Z. I now knew, it is the antidote to RA. It brings my fear outside instead of being inside the body.
I m still not sure if I go back. But its ok to ask if he still with me. I just messaged him. Let's see.
Father, Z has read my msg but didn't reply. The old me would have reacted but new me is not bothered. I can see my fear, so if there is no reason to confront it, I m fine.
I just had a long conversation with SL, I m glad our friendship is intact. I also accepted the role of being guide for pre samyama. And I also got the place booked. I just do what is needed. Amen
It is our own fear...no one is trying to hurt us
Nov 22 eve
Did my Shoonya and samyama. The Shoonya was real deep. This time, with little movement. Samyama was ok too.
When I finished my samyama, I asked myself whether I m happier without z. Yes, I m happier cos I need not face my fears. My fear of being unloved, being rejected, being not in priority list. I was afraid of suffering. That's when I go on the low side.
Today I msg him about our mutual friends, we ended with a smile, that's us.
Father, I asked for separation when I felt insecure. The same as z when he asked for separation cos he tot I cannot accept him for his lack of financial security. He said no point continue since I feel insecure with him back in late July. I stayed n give him assurances. We got back together in late August n then I broke it off in mid September.
Father, being with him or even a relationship with another partner will bring out my fears. Now that I can see my fear, not sure if I can handle it better.
I can now see my fear. For the first time, no rush to overcome it. Let me savour my fear so it won't go to my body. I m a big gal, able to face my fear. Need not suppressed or try to fight it. Just let the fear be.
I used to suppress or fight my sadness, afraid I cannot handle it. I now can face n expressed my sadness. And I becomes much happier. Or rather my happiness is now real both inside and outside. Perhaps once I accepts my fear, not try to avoid it, I truly can be fearless. Amen.
Suddenly a tot came on Osho card, no one trying to hurt u, everyone just want to protect themselves from being hurt.
Did my Shoonya and samyama. The Shoonya was real deep. This time, with little movement. Samyama was ok too.
When I finished my samyama, I asked myself whether I m happier without z. Yes, I m happier cos I need not face my fears. My fear of being unloved, being rejected, being not in priority list. I was afraid of suffering. That's when I go on the low side.
Today I msg him about our mutual friends, we ended with a smile, that's us.
Father, I asked for separation when I felt insecure. The same as z when he asked for separation cos he tot I cannot accept him for his lack of financial security. He said no point continue since I feel insecure with him back in late July. I stayed n give him assurances. We got back together in late August n then I broke it off in mid September.
Father, being with him or even a relationship with another partner will bring out my fears. Now that I can see my fear, not sure if I can handle it better.
I can now see my fear. For the first time, no rush to overcome it. Let me savour my fear so it won't go to my body. I m a big gal, able to face my fear. Need not suppressed or try to fight it. Just let the fear be.
I used to suppress or fight my sadness, afraid I cannot handle it. I now can face n expressed my sadness. And I becomes much happier. Or rather my happiness is now real both inside and outside. Perhaps once I accepts my fear, not try to avoid it, I truly can be fearless. Amen.
Suddenly a tot came on Osho card, no one trying to hurt u, everyone just want to protect themselves from being hurt.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Be a Light to yourself and others!
Nov 22
Father, woke up 4.30 am. Had some resistance, but tot of sadhguru saying that sadhana is to cultivate discipline and to learn to ignore our mind. Did my asanas they were not great but ok. Today shakti and shambavi not so good as I had some difficulty in surka kriya. But I persevere till I got violet flames. At the end of shambavi, suddenly my mouth open widely letting out air.
On z, let's face it, he is not that into me. I had no reason to hold on except for my love. Reading desires yesterday, guide me that I need not conquer. He is in my prayer daily. No more drama.
Ninth letter
U r not victim of faith - u r victims of ur own creative consciousness until u realise that ur consciousness is entirely of ur own shaping. When this glorious truth dawns within ur own consciousness, u will begin to turn ur life around n will eventually discover that u can work to become a master and achieve complete freedom in divine consciousness.
Attunement with divine consciousness and total self mastery should be ur reason for living, and ur goal. When u have achieved it, all u have ever wanted for urself will be yours - in a new transcendent and eternal way.
The greatest gift u can give yourself or anyone else is to gratefully accept into ur own mind and try to imbue in other receptive minds - the fully inspired understanding of who 'u and they`really are and what can be truly be accomplished when u n they abandon self-will n look to the source of their being for help, guidance and fulfilment of every need.
Become a light unto urself - and whomever can receive it.
Soul
Amen
Ninth letter
Do to others as u would be done by.
Give the acceptance and forgiveness u would like to receive.
what is forgiveness? It is a state of understanding the other person and their reasons for behaviour so clearly that u can say in all honesty there is nothing to forgive.
When u have recognised that others can be hurt by ur actions in just the same way as u have been hurt by others. U would have won a great victory over self. U will have reached that points of inner strength and endurance when u truly perceived the Reality of others as being of equal validity with ur own.
After reaching this great moment of truth in ur life, u will find yourself able to move between yourself and others quite comfortably, able to see events from their perspective as easily as u can see ur own. A great balancing between the needs of other people n yourself takes place, and u enter into a state of peace since u r now confident that u treated others fairly n with generosity of spirit. U have now begun to remove the barriers between yourself n others n are receiving them into ur heart.
Soul
Same msg as this week osho card. Learning to see beyond judgement. Then friendliness appeared.
Nine of spades
Card of mini death
Father, woke up 4.30 am. Had some resistance, but tot of sadhguru saying that sadhana is to cultivate discipline and to learn to ignore our mind. Did my asanas they were not great but ok. Today shakti and shambavi not so good as I had some difficulty in surka kriya. But I persevere till I got violet flames. At the end of shambavi, suddenly my mouth open widely letting out air.
On z, let's face it, he is not that into me. I had no reason to hold on except for my love. Reading desires yesterday, guide me that I need not conquer. He is in my prayer daily. No more drama.
Ninth letter
U r not victim of faith - u r victims of ur own creative consciousness until u realise that ur consciousness is entirely of ur own shaping. When this glorious truth dawns within ur own consciousness, u will begin to turn ur life around n will eventually discover that u can work to become a master and achieve complete freedom in divine consciousness.
Attunement with divine consciousness and total self mastery should be ur reason for living, and ur goal. When u have achieved it, all u have ever wanted for urself will be yours - in a new transcendent and eternal way.
The greatest gift u can give yourself or anyone else is to gratefully accept into ur own mind and try to imbue in other receptive minds - the fully inspired understanding of who 'u and they`really are and what can be truly be accomplished when u n they abandon self-will n look to the source of their being for help, guidance and fulfilment of every need.
Become a light unto urself - and whomever can receive it.
Soul
Amen
Ninth letter
Do to others as u would be done by.
Give the acceptance and forgiveness u would like to receive.
what is forgiveness? It is a state of understanding the other person and their reasons for behaviour so clearly that u can say in all honesty there is nothing to forgive.
When u have recognised that others can be hurt by ur actions in just the same way as u have been hurt by others. U would have won a great victory over self. U will have reached that points of inner strength and endurance when u truly perceived the Reality of others as being of equal validity with ur own.
After reaching this great moment of truth in ur life, u will find yourself able to move between yourself and others quite comfortably, able to see events from their perspective as easily as u can see ur own. A great balancing between the needs of other people n yourself takes place, and u enter into a state of peace since u r now confident that u treated others fairly n with generosity of spirit. U have now begun to remove the barriers between yourself n others n are receiving them into ur heart.
Soul
Same msg as this week osho card. Learning to see beyond judgement. Then friendliness appeared.
Nine of spades
Card of mini death
Rhythms in our live...
Nov 21 eve
Ninth letter
Everyone is subject to rhythms in their lives. Everyone goes through the high periods when an inflow of blessedness brings u all the things u have wanted and u r on a peak of human happiness and success. U rejoice! Then comes the time u suddenly the rhythm of life changes, resources dry up, relationship becomes difficult and precarious, ur career takes a downward turn, obstacles occur which keep u static for a long time. U may ask yourself what u have done wrong. previously, u worked very successfully within the law of existence but now there are daily challenges and nothing u think or do is truly alleviating the stress of ur daily life.
When if these times comes upon u - be still and quiet within ur heart and mind - and know that u r still drawing life and direction from divine consciousness, despite appearances to the contrary, despite the superficial agonies. At these times, it is essential to withdraw and take stocks of the way in which u may have slipped in consciousness during ur up times and strengthen ur dependence on divine consciousness.
Without these dark periods of depression,u would not grow in spiritual stature. They have a special message for u so do not give way to despair and bitterness. Although u may feel fragile, this is ur winter season of self discovery and inner renewal which will ultimately prove to be of greater blessing than ever were ur 'peak periods'. Take heart and do not lose faith. Hold on patiently until winter gradually yields to ur spiritual spring again.
Soul
Amen. My winter period is nearly over.
I took a tumble when I took over the 2nd company in Feb 2012. Things starts to come down in mid June...and alas I finally resigned in end July and last day in September. Meanwhile, Z also asked for break up in early July, we got back for awhile and broke off in late September...and then I slacked in my Isha practices and couldn't seem to go back on track for hata..
Father just now I tot of z. miss him still. But I recalled my osho card of clinging to the past. Not sure why but both P and M also said I should continue with z. Father, he is not that into me. A tot came. If he is not, why u r still together after two years.
Father, hold me back. It is over.
My osho card is receptivity. Not sure. Two persons with the same msg, that I self-sabotage and asked me to go back to Z.
Sadhguru
Desire is just an anxiety to enhance oneself. Why do u need to enhance yourselves? It is because somewhere there is a strong and constant feeling of inadequacy. So man has to enhance himself with activity. He has to do something. So desire is just that.
The energy which u call life, is trying to find its original state of unboundedness. therefore it desires. But because u r unconscious, u keep desiring things and activities, this and that. With much experiences in life, u know that if u satisfy one desire, the next one is ready to spring up. Ur desire will never be satisfied with anything. It does not matter how much u do or gather, it can't take u to the unbounded.
Fundamentally it is a spiritual process. Unfortunately it is finding an unconscious expression.
Soul
Suddenly it occurred to me why I want to break off with z. It is fear. I m loving him day by day, but he holds back his feeling. The more I prolonged, the greater the hurt. It is nearly two years. If he still holds back, there is no possibility of him changing his mind.
I don't want to be in a losing end. Better ends before I lose all.
Sadhguru said if we remember we r mortal, then we r transformed. We becomes simple. We don't complicate matters.
I guess if I know I m going to die, I just lived the moment but I know I m going to live, so I hope I got other chances of starting a committed relationship. My mantra now is to know I can love again. I can only do so by releasing him. The first step is let go.
A tot came, he is my cosmic lesson, the card of faith. So, to learn faith. Well, I stood by for two years.
Father, I can type using the screen. It is faster cos there is auto spelling. I can lose my BB now. Amen. This is a miracle by itself. I never tot I can let go of BB.
Ninth letter
Everyone is subject to rhythms in their lives. Everyone goes through the high periods when an inflow of blessedness brings u all the things u have wanted and u r on a peak of human happiness and success. U rejoice! Then comes the time u suddenly the rhythm of life changes, resources dry up, relationship becomes difficult and precarious, ur career takes a downward turn, obstacles occur which keep u static for a long time. U may ask yourself what u have done wrong. previously, u worked very successfully within the law of existence but now there are daily challenges and nothing u think or do is truly alleviating the stress of ur daily life.
When if these times comes upon u - be still and quiet within ur heart and mind - and know that u r still drawing life and direction from divine consciousness, despite appearances to the contrary, despite the superficial agonies. At these times, it is essential to withdraw and take stocks of the way in which u may have slipped in consciousness during ur up times and strengthen ur dependence on divine consciousness.
Without these dark periods of depression,u would not grow in spiritual stature. They have a special message for u so do not give way to despair and bitterness. Although u may feel fragile, this is ur winter season of self discovery and inner renewal which will ultimately prove to be of greater blessing than ever were ur 'peak periods'. Take heart and do not lose faith. Hold on patiently until winter gradually yields to ur spiritual spring again.
Soul
Amen. My winter period is nearly over.
I took a tumble when I took over the 2nd company in Feb 2012. Things starts to come down in mid June...and alas I finally resigned in end July and last day in September. Meanwhile, Z also asked for break up in early July, we got back for awhile and broke off in late September...and then I slacked in my Isha practices and couldn't seem to go back on track for hata..
Father just now I tot of z. miss him still. But I recalled my osho card of clinging to the past. Not sure why but both P and M also said I should continue with z. Father, he is not that into me. A tot came. If he is not, why u r still together after two years.
Father, hold me back. It is over.
My osho card is receptivity. Not sure. Two persons with the same msg, that I self-sabotage and asked me to go back to Z.
Sadhguru
Desire is just an anxiety to enhance oneself. Why do u need to enhance yourselves? It is because somewhere there is a strong and constant feeling of inadequacy. So man has to enhance himself with activity. He has to do something. So desire is just that.
The energy which u call life, is trying to find its original state of unboundedness. therefore it desires. But because u r unconscious, u keep desiring things and activities, this and that. With much experiences in life, u know that if u satisfy one desire, the next one is ready to spring up. Ur desire will never be satisfied with anything. It does not matter how much u do or gather, it can't take u to the unbounded.
Fundamentally it is a spiritual process. Unfortunately it is finding an unconscious expression.
Soul
Suddenly it occurred to me why I want to break off with z. It is fear. I m loving him day by day, but he holds back his feeling. The more I prolonged, the greater the hurt. It is nearly two years. If he still holds back, there is no possibility of him changing his mind.
I don't want to be in a losing end. Better ends before I lose all.
Sadhguru said if we remember we r mortal, then we r transformed. We becomes simple. We don't complicate matters.
I guess if I know I m going to die, I just lived the moment but I know I m going to live, so I hope I got other chances of starting a committed relationship. My mantra now is to know I can love again. I can only do so by releasing him. The first step is let go.
A tot came, he is my cosmic lesson, the card of faith. So, to learn faith. Well, I stood by for two years.
Father, I can type using the screen. It is faster cos there is auto spelling. I can lose my BB now. Amen. This is a miracle by itself. I never tot I can let go of BB.
The Laws of Existence
Nov 21 aft
Father, I called S already. My ego may react. Guess this is my MARS period. Will be gone by 4 Dec. My ego is acting higher than normal.
Father, woke up at 7 am. Body woke up much earlier but I slept back. And then I felt bit lethargic. I can't say I was looking forward to suria. But I did my suria, both my feet now able to touch each other properly and from 2nd cycle, both feet can go down. My suria was quite effortless. Guess 4 days session helped.
Shakti is fine, now I am able to let my body find its pace for respective mudras. Surka kriya was lovely and I did till I saw the violet flame. I now know what Sadhguru means by letting our breathe infuse us while doing surka kriya. I was just 'totless', only the breathe moves..
Father, thank U. I truly have deepen my practices.
I can't say that I will go back to 5 days of hata but I will commit to 4 days of hata plus 1 swim and 1 walk, so one day rest.
Father, thanks for all the joys and support. For giving me my 3 days work week.
Ninth Letter
Whereas in the past, the laws given u for national behaviour have been directed mainly at 'U shall not... If u do - this will be the penalty', true spiritual laws are entirely different.
They are expressed like this;
Because u and ur place in earthly existence have been created in this way ... If u work harmoniously with the Laws of ur Existence ... U will open ur entire system of soul, mind, emotions, body and personal circumstances to the consistent inflow of Divine Consciousness, ur Life Force. The fruits of ur disciplined behaviour will return to bless and load.
If, on the other hand, u ignore these Laws of Existence and continue living as u did before u received this message, then ur lives will continue to be punctuated by turmoil, difficult climatic conditions, and stressful lives.
My sole purpose behind my last mission to people on earth - to show them how they themselves were creating their own misery.
To those who have not yet experienced the quality of life I have described as being yours by divine will, do not ask what is the matter with life or people or circumstances or with you. Look inside your tot processes, your own attitudes toward life, generally, your feeling towards other people and yourself and find out what kinds of tots and expectations u regularly Indulge in. These create a powerfully creative consciousness energy force which u r emitting throughout the day. It will attract to u exactly what u fear and expect and expect.
Sometimes the negative creative consciousness form is deeply buried in ur subconscious implanted many years ago.
Are u able to see the light of the soul in all living things or can u only see their ego-drive - their darkness?
Father, I m typing this using screen mode. It is not as bad as I tot. I may be moving away from blackberry key pad. That's a miracle...
Father, I called S already. My ego may react. Guess this is my MARS period. Will be gone by 4 Dec. My ego is acting higher than normal.
Father, woke up at 7 am. Body woke up much earlier but I slept back. And then I felt bit lethargic. I can't say I was looking forward to suria. But I did my suria, both my feet now able to touch each other properly and from 2nd cycle, both feet can go down. My suria was quite effortless. Guess 4 days session helped.
Shakti is fine, now I am able to let my body find its pace for respective mudras. Surka kriya was lovely and I did till I saw the violet flame. I now know what Sadhguru means by letting our breathe infuse us while doing surka kriya. I was just 'totless', only the breathe moves..
Father, thank U. I truly have deepen my practices.
I can't say that I will go back to 5 days of hata but I will commit to 4 days of hata plus 1 swim and 1 walk, so one day rest.
Father, thanks for all the joys and support. For giving me my 3 days work week.
Ninth Letter
Whereas in the past, the laws given u for national behaviour have been directed mainly at 'U shall not... If u do - this will be the penalty', true spiritual laws are entirely different.
They are expressed like this;
Because u and ur place in earthly existence have been created in this way ... If u work harmoniously with the Laws of ur Existence ... U will open ur entire system of soul, mind, emotions, body and personal circumstances to the consistent inflow of Divine Consciousness, ur Life Force. The fruits of ur disciplined behaviour will return to bless and load.
If, on the other hand, u ignore these Laws of Existence and continue living as u did before u received this message, then ur lives will continue to be punctuated by turmoil, difficult climatic conditions, and stressful lives.
My sole purpose behind my last mission to people on earth - to show them how they themselves were creating their own misery.
To those who have not yet experienced the quality of life I have described as being yours by divine will, do not ask what is the matter with life or people or circumstances or with you. Look inside your tot processes, your own attitudes toward life, generally, your feeling towards other people and yourself and find out what kinds of tots and expectations u regularly Indulge in. These create a powerfully creative consciousness energy force which u r emitting throughout the day. It will attract to u exactly what u fear and expect and expect.
Sometimes the negative creative consciousness form is deeply buried in ur subconscious implanted many years ago.
Are u able to see the light of the soul in all living things or can u only see their ego-drive - their darkness?
Father, I m typing this using screen mode. It is not as bad as I tot. I may be moving away from blackberry key pad. That's a miracle...
I still feel hurt..about Z
Nov 20 aft
Father, P asked me about my on-off with Z. I said it is off. She asked why? I said I wanted him to commit but he doesn't want to. She said since I don't want to have a family why the need for commitment. I replied I wanted a commitment cos I am committed. She said why can't I be with Z while waiting for another guy. I said I can't. I can't scout while with Z.
She said that the reason why Z cannot 'open' our rship is because he doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't want to marry me because he wants a family and I don't. Father, it did hurt bit when she said that. But I deserve and want a committed rship eventhough I don't want children. So, I must make the first move.
I missed him last week, but now I am better. I am also surprised I can share with P without feeling judged. Amen.
Father, P asked me about my on-off with Z. I said it is off. She asked why? I said I wanted him to commit but he doesn't want to. She said since I don't want to have a family why the need for commitment. I replied I wanted a commitment cos I am committed. She said why can't I be with Z while waiting for another guy. I said I can't. I can't scout while with Z.
She said that the reason why Z cannot 'open' our rship is because he doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't want to marry me because he wants a family and I don't. Father, it did hurt bit when she said that. But I deserve and want a committed rship eventhough I don't want children. So, I must make the first move.
I missed him last week, but now I am better. I am also surprised I can share with P without feeling judged. Amen.
Suppressing my fear...is a learned behaviour from childhood
Nov 20
Father, thank U. I was tired yday night after so much tears. This morning body woke up around 4 am and I wake up at 4.30 am. This time less resistance. I did all my asanas, quite nimble. Was laughing a bit. Still not able to sense my subtle body.
Breathing meditation was deep and so I did longer.
Shakti and Shambavi good. I now love surka kriya. I am able to do it silently and once I am in, I can see violet flame.
Father, thank U.
Alas, I am getting nearer to the roots of RA, my over reactive defense mechanism. Now I can relate to this week Osho card
1. The Issue
Suppression
The danger of suppressing one's natural energy.
Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely. Don't wait for catastrophe to happen.
Soul
I am glad I was able to open up and release my hidden fears.
I think the door was opened when I decided to have my blog opened.
This morning I asked how was I able to suppress all my fears? Answer came; when I was 2 years old, I must have been fearful meeting new people everyday. But instead I projected a cheerful baby and everyone likes me.
I guess I must have learned to suppress my fear. "The show must go on".
(Nov 23 - I have learned that fear is not accepted...so I suppressed it.....it is the same as I have learned sadness/tears are not accepted and I suppressed it)
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Clinging to the Past
Don't cling to the past ...because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no longer there, so u r crying for spilled milk. What gone is gone!
Soul
Well, leadership in Isha is gone; Z is gone too, career is gone. The old personality of fearless person is gone too. I am fearful person.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Morality
The Queen of Clouds lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable.
Our judgements applied to ourselves or to others keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within. Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
I got this card last week under Internal Influence and also Day card last Sunday.
Yea, I guess I have judged people for their fear. Mom always said we cannot afford to be afraid. We must be strong. There is nothing to be afraid of.
I can now see the fear in me.
Today, my right elbow joints pain has reduced considerably. No longer so stiff.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Receptivity
Listening is one of basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity. Listening means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectation or demands. Neither duty, tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
Soul
I am not sure. Suddenly I msg so many people. I even arranged a brunch with P. I missed her. I m ready to form friendship without Isha hanging.
I even able to msg C. My anger gone. She is just a four of Diamond, acting out of fear.
5. Resolution
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord.
Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful
Then it is simple. U don't depend on others and don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendship, a friendliness.
Soul
Amen.
Father, thank U. I was tired yday night after so much tears. This morning body woke up around 4 am and I wake up at 4.30 am. This time less resistance. I did all my asanas, quite nimble. Was laughing a bit. Still not able to sense my subtle body.
Breathing meditation was deep and so I did longer.
Shakti and Shambavi good. I now love surka kriya. I am able to do it silently and once I am in, I can see violet flame.
Father, thank U.
Alas, I am getting nearer to the roots of RA, my over reactive defense mechanism. Now I can relate to this week Osho card
1. The Issue
Suppression
The danger of suppressing one's natural energy.
Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely. Don't wait for catastrophe to happen.
Soul
I am glad I was able to open up and release my hidden fears.
I think the door was opened when I decided to have my blog opened.
This morning I asked how was I able to suppress all my fears? Answer came; when I was 2 years old, I must have been fearful meeting new people everyday. But instead I projected a cheerful baby and everyone likes me.
I guess I must have learned to suppress my fear. "The show must go on".
(Nov 23 - I have learned that fear is not accepted...so I suppressed it.....it is the same as I have learned sadness/tears are not accepted and I suppressed it)
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Clinging to the Past
Don't cling to the past ...because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no longer there, so u r crying for spilled milk. What gone is gone!
Soul
Well, leadership in Isha is gone; Z is gone too, career is gone. The old personality of fearless person is gone too. I am fearful person.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Morality
The Queen of Clouds lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable.
Our judgements applied to ourselves or to others keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within. Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
I got this card last week under Internal Influence and also Day card last Sunday.
Yea, I guess I have judged people for their fear. Mom always said we cannot afford to be afraid. We must be strong. There is nothing to be afraid of.
I can now see the fear in me.
Today, my right elbow joints pain has reduced considerably. No longer so stiff.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Receptivity
Listening is one of basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity. Listening means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectation or demands. Neither duty, tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
Soul
I am not sure. Suddenly I msg so many people. I even arranged a brunch with P. I missed her. I m ready to form friendship without Isha hanging.
I even able to msg C. My anger gone. She is just a four of Diamond, acting out of fear.
5. Resolution
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord.
Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful
Then it is simple. U don't depend on others and don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendship, a friendliness.
Soul
Amen.
I am feeling pissed
Nov 19 Mornin
The day didn't go well. I was angry at FC who didn't bring her mobile and cause us to scramble. When she is on leave, she seems to delegate responsibilities to me instead of her staff. Then an incident with C.
Father, I am angry at C. I send her a msg to take charge of sathsang. In return, she send a msg to everyone claiming that she doesn't know what to follow up and I hadn't give her any guides.
I was angry as I felt it was below the belt. She could at least reply to my sms first before issuing group mail.
At first I wanted to be nasty but then I calmed myself down cos there are many people inside the mail. So I replied that it is not Sathsang Guide's responsibilities but somehow SG has to be in charge, which is not the norm. I also told her that I don't have the contacts.
Then after she received my mail, she then reply my msg. I think she knew I m not happy. Father, I always feel her below the belt. Anyway, I don't feel like replying. Don't feel like being nice when I don't want to.
(Nov 23 - yea...I don't really trust people)
Then, I received a forwarded email from teacher that exclude my name from the list. I m sure it was intentional as I wasn't in the lead during last IE. Of course, ego was dented. Then I remembered that being excluded from leadership in Isha is what I wanted. So, just appreciate that. Aiyah, my Mars period. Just ignore. I think I m sexually deprived so got irritated.
Two of Clubs
Means conversation, communication, sharing ideas and cooperation. This is also known as the card of fear and arguing.
Soul
Yea. Today I m pissed.
The day didn't go well. I was angry at FC who didn't bring her mobile and cause us to scramble. When she is on leave, she seems to delegate responsibilities to me instead of her staff. Then an incident with C.
Father, I am angry at C. I send her a msg to take charge of sathsang. In return, she send a msg to everyone claiming that she doesn't know what to follow up and I hadn't give her any guides.
I was angry as I felt it was below the belt. She could at least reply to my sms first before issuing group mail.
At first I wanted to be nasty but then I calmed myself down cos there are many people inside the mail. So I replied that it is not Sathsang Guide's responsibilities but somehow SG has to be in charge, which is not the norm. I also told her that I don't have the contacts.
Then after she received my mail, she then reply my msg. I think she knew I m not happy. Father, I always feel her below the belt. Anyway, I don't feel like replying. Don't feel like being nice when I don't want to.
(Nov 23 - yea...I don't really trust people)
Then, I received a forwarded email from teacher that exclude my name from the list. I m sure it was intentional as I wasn't in the lead during last IE. Of course, ego was dented. Then I remembered that being excluded from leadership in Isha is what I wanted. So, just appreciate that. Aiyah, my Mars period. Just ignore. I think I m sexually deprived so got irritated.
Two of Clubs
Means conversation, communication, sharing ideas and cooperation. This is also known as the card of fear and arguing.
Soul
Yea. Today I m pissed.
Facing my fears...the old me is gone
Nov 19 eve
Father, I just finished my shoonya and samyama meditation. Towards the end of samyama, I cry non-stop. So much tears and my eyes are swollen. I cannot recalled the last time I cried so much. Normally I cried only during meditation. I am feeling better now. I was feeling all the fears in me. I can see I am a fearful person. I am not fearless like what I tot and others tot the same too. I controlled and suppressed my fear and become fearless outside. But inside the fear is within.
Father, let this year for me to acknowledge and face my fear. I am not the courageous person I tot I am.
Father, thanks for this.
Today, also received news of downsizing of my dept. But I am not afraid cos I can cut down from 3 days to 2 days work if necessary. I will have to terminate the FM and retain back original team, albeit cut to my salary. I am fine.
Today I also asked BE about English course that she took. She said she has some books that she can pass to me.
Father, I don't know where I am going. I just know I can no longer be the old me. I cannot carry on being the old me. I am not sure what the new me will be. But I just walked and hope things will be fine.
At the very least, I am feeling all of me, especially the sadness, the fear and etc. All the things that I hide from myself and others. I am crying so much when I write this. It has been awhile since I can cry openly. Amen.
Father, I just finished my shoonya and samyama meditation. Towards the end of samyama, I cry non-stop. So much tears and my eyes are swollen. I cannot recalled the last time I cried so much. Normally I cried only during meditation. I am feeling better now. I was feeling all the fears in me. I can see I am a fearful person. I am not fearless like what I tot and others tot the same too. I controlled and suppressed my fear and become fearless outside. But inside the fear is within.
Father, let this year for me to acknowledge and face my fear. I am not the courageous person I tot I am.
Father, thanks for this.
Today, also received news of downsizing of my dept. But I am not afraid cos I can cut down from 3 days to 2 days work if necessary. I will have to terminate the FM and retain back original team, albeit cut to my salary. I am fine.
Today I also asked BE about English course that she took. She said she has some books that she can pass to me.
Father, I don't know where I am going. I just know I can no longer be the old me. I cannot carry on being the old me. I am not sure what the new me will be. But I just walked and hope things will be fine.
At the very least, I am feeling all of me, especially the sadness, the fear and etc. All the things that I hide from myself and others. I am crying so much when I write this. It has been awhile since I can cry openly. Amen.
I am defensive...
Nov 19
Father, I had a dream but I cannot remember as I was waken by alarm at 4.30 am. Body was fine but mind had resistant on suria. I know mind doesn't like it and infact ponder for me to skip. I just replied that I may not be able to ignore mind when it comes to Z, but at least I can ignore mind for suria. So, I just proceed to start my practices.
Suria was fine as I was giggling by 3rd cycle and this time I felt a bit of my subtle body and it feels good. Suria considered to be quite good. I easily reach 10th cycle and then proceed to complete the 12th cycle.
Shakti was fine. I am able to feel all the mudras during 4-2-5-2 breathing, silent surka kriya and followed by energetic kapala bhakti. My kaka kriya is fine too. Then proceed to shambavi, all the preparatory steps were good as I seem to be very nimble. Silent surka kriya followed by aum. But I was bit lost in tots of Z while doing aum chanting.
These day, just sit with head tilted and my head be shaking non-stop. Guess the energy comes up. Plough back was good today.
Eight Letter
For those of u who have not yet experienced the quality of life I have described as being urs by Divine Will, do not ask what is the matter with life or people or circumstances - or with u.
Look inside ur own tot processes, ur own attitudes towards life, generally, ur feeling towards other people and urself - and find out what kind of tots - and expectations - u regularly indulge in. These create a powerfully creative consciousness energy force which u r emitting throughout the day. It will attract to u exactly what u fear and expect.
Sometimes the negative creative consciousness form is deeply buried in ur sub-conscious, implanted there many years ago due to past life. In any event, if u have been subjected to consistently bad experiences, examine ur inner state of consciousness and find out what kind of negative expectations possess ur sub-conscious. Discover, also, what are ur attitudes and feelings towards other people.
Soul
I seem to be cautious in my dealings with Isha team. I guess part of me tot they don't like me. Also part of me felt guilty for 'leaving' them last time but I know I can't help it. I m only sure I don't want to be the lead and I noticed that I m no longer considered the lead as my 'voice' is not 'heard'. While ego is dented, I am fine cos I knew being 'heard' comes with a price that I m not willing to pay.
I just realised I seem to think that "I am not liked" and I have to prove myself to be liked. This is contrary to what others think, they think I m likeable. Actually, the truth is I m not sure I m truly likeable for my true self or for what I can do. Whenever I don't want to do what others say, I felt they won't like me. While it didn't prevent me to do what I want, still I will be afraid of the repercussion eventhough I m willing to face it.
Father, I am a crab. I hide behind a hard shell, inside I m soft. I don't have a good opinion of others. Perhaps they r selfless and I m not. Or perhaps I judged them the way I am.
Father, I had a dream but I cannot remember as I was waken by alarm at 4.30 am. Body was fine but mind had resistant on suria. I know mind doesn't like it and infact ponder for me to skip. I just replied that I may not be able to ignore mind when it comes to Z, but at least I can ignore mind for suria. So, I just proceed to start my practices.
Suria was fine as I was giggling by 3rd cycle and this time I felt a bit of my subtle body and it feels good. Suria considered to be quite good. I easily reach 10th cycle and then proceed to complete the 12th cycle.
Shakti was fine. I am able to feel all the mudras during 4-2-5-2 breathing, silent surka kriya and followed by energetic kapala bhakti. My kaka kriya is fine too. Then proceed to shambavi, all the preparatory steps were good as I seem to be very nimble. Silent surka kriya followed by aum. But I was bit lost in tots of Z while doing aum chanting.
These day, just sit with head tilted and my head be shaking non-stop. Guess the energy comes up. Plough back was good today.
Eight Letter
For those of u who have not yet experienced the quality of life I have described as being urs by Divine Will, do not ask what is the matter with life or people or circumstances - or with u.
Look inside ur own tot processes, ur own attitudes towards life, generally, ur feeling towards other people and urself - and find out what kind of tots - and expectations - u regularly indulge in. These create a powerfully creative consciousness energy force which u r emitting throughout the day. It will attract to u exactly what u fear and expect.
Sometimes the negative creative consciousness form is deeply buried in ur sub-conscious, implanted there many years ago due to past life. In any event, if u have been subjected to consistently bad experiences, examine ur inner state of consciousness and find out what kind of negative expectations possess ur sub-conscious. Discover, also, what are ur attitudes and feelings towards other people.
Soul
I seem to be cautious in my dealings with Isha team. I guess part of me tot they don't like me. Also part of me felt guilty for 'leaving' them last time but I know I can't help it. I m only sure I don't want to be the lead and I noticed that I m no longer considered the lead as my 'voice' is not 'heard'. While ego is dented, I am fine cos I knew being 'heard' comes with a price that I m not willing to pay.
I just realised I seem to think that "I am not liked" and I have to prove myself to be liked. This is contrary to what others think, they think I m likeable. Actually, the truth is I m not sure I m truly likeable for my true self or for what I can do. Whenever I don't want to do what others say, I felt they won't like me. While it didn't prevent me to do what I want, still I will be afraid of the repercussion eventhough I m willing to face it.
Father, I am a crab. I hide behind a hard shell, inside I m soft. I don't have a good opinion of others. Perhaps they r selfless and I m not. Or perhaps I judged them the way I am.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
My hidden fear...activate RA
Nov 18 eve
Father, I think my blog cannot hold the readings and learnings and also ebook. The best is to link my blog to the website. So, anyone who access my website can see the link to the blog and vice versa. I think I need to update profile on the Blog to mention on website's purpose.
A fellow meditator called and I shared with her that I m now trying to bring out and acknowledge my fear and address it consciously instead of letting my body address is subsconsciously by releasing heavy defense mechanism and attack my own body instead.
Just now I had a tot of myself now being fearless and tot of Z but I waived it. Let's not go back. I am afraid of life, not rship.
Father, let me face my fearful self. Let me see it. I need not hide and control my fear. Let it come out so my body doesn't have to address it.
Soul
I am feeling afraid of the revenue reversal for a major client. I am afraid SS will blame me. I want to project it to MD who keep on saying the fee is good. But now cannot be hold up. Even when I asked her if the fee is jeopardised now that her contact has resigned, she said nope. I need to be careful in future.
Tot of sharing this with Z. But I cannot. I can see he is not ready. And neither am I. I slept around 2 am yesterday cos overly excited after our messages. Yea, I am afraid of Z too.
I am also afraid of losing E's good impression of me.
Don't polish your ignorance - it may shine
Sadhguru
Feeling the Guru's presence truly means that it simply becomes ur life breathe. "How can I make it that way?". U cannot make it that way. If u make urself less and less and less, the presence becomes more and more in ur life.
How to make myself less than what I am right now?
Right now ur life is revolving around u. It is all about u, is it not? So, the very device of accepting a guru in ur life is this: suddenly ur life no longer revolves around u. U r a secondary person in ur life. U r not the hero in the drama. U r just a side role, then this presence becomes a living thing, like ur breathe.
That sounds very enslaving. Logically, if u look at it, it is pure slavery, but experientially if u go into it, it is absolute liberation.
Soul
Yea, it is liberating. When I am in Sadhguru's presence, I don't have to be. There is no need for me to be, I can lose myself and let others take charge of me. That's why I love Sathsang.
Mmm, perhaps I will love Kailash too. Now food is not an issue anymore. But I m not sure if my feet and elbow can do the climb.
Sadhguru
The very word 'yoga' means union. U know this. It means u and the existence, u and the other, have become one. When this happens, it does not mean that 'that' becomes part of u. It is just that u lost urself. U lost urself so u have become one. U cannot include 'that' as part of u. That is an illusion. Only if u lose urself, u can become one, not otherwise. This is dangerous talk, because nobody wants to lose himself. Everybody wants to find himself.
The whole effort in life is to find urself, not to lose urself. That is the reason why u take lifetimes. U want to go east, but u start heading towards west, so u need a full circle. But because u r trying to run this way and that way most of u do not have the perseverance and energy to run the full circle.
But if u have trust, u will not have to run the full circle. With somebody's presence, with another being's presence, u can walk the path.
When the gold is here, if u walk the opposite way, u will be seen as an idiot. But u will dare to be an idiot only when there is trust in u.
Soul
Suddenly I tot, just lose my need to persevere myself, my privacy and etc.
When I go with Z, I felt I lost myself. I lost my identity. I looked like an idiot.
Suddenly a tot came to checked out Seven of Spades, my Cosmic lesson.
Seven of Spades as Pluto
This powerful spiritual card will insist that u take an honest look at ur work and health and root out any that are negative and creating negative results in ur life. For this reason, this card is often associated with work and health problem.
This is called the Card of Faith. Success with this card requires rising to a new level of living that is beyond our normal fears and concerns. For those involved in spiritual work, this influence challenges u to move toward more success and make progress towards ur work and personal goals.
Affirmation
I am tapping into the source of God energy and transforming all the negativity in my life into fearlessness and appreciation. I am living faith.
Soul
I am on the right track. Z is to show me my mirror. On one hand, he is so confident in rship and it comes easily to him and yet he is fearful. So, what's inside is not the same as outside. The same with me, I seems to be brave person and fearless but in reality I m fearful. At times, I don't even dare to open up emails that I knew is negative.
Father, let me see all my fears. Let me open up.
Father, I think my blog cannot hold the readings and learnings and also ebook. The best is to link my blog to the website. So, anyone who access my website can see the link to the blog and vice versa. I think I need to update profile on the Blog to mention on website's purpose.
A fellow meditator called and I shared with her that I m now trying to bring out and acknowledge my fear and address it consciously instead of letting my body address is subsconsciously by releasing heavy defense mechanism and attack my own body instead.
Just now I had a tot of myself now being fearless and tot of Z but I waived it. Let's not go back. I am afraid of life, not rship.
Father, let me face my fearful self. Let me see it. I need not hide and control my fear. Let it come out so my body doesn't have to address it.
Soul
I am feeling afraid of the revenue reversal for a major client. I am afraid SS will blame me. I want to project it to MD who keep on saying the fee is good. But now cannot be hold up. Even when I asked her if the fee is jeopardised now that her contact has resigned, she said nope. I need to be careful in future.
Tot of sharing this with Z. But I cannot. I can see he is not ready. And neither am I. I slept around 2 am yesterday cos overly excited after our messages. Yea, I am afraid of Z too.
I am also afraid of losing E's good impression of me.
Don't polish your ignorance - it may shine
Sadhguru
Feeling the Guru's presence truly means that it simply becomes ur life breathe. "How can I make it that way?". U cannot make it that way. If u make urself less and less and less, the presence becomes more and more in ur life.
How to make myself less than what I am right now?
Right now ur life is revolving around u. It is all about u, is it not? So, the very device of accepting a guru in ur life is this: suddenly ur life no longer revolves around u. U r a secondary person in ur life. U r not the hero in the drama. U r just a side role, then this presence becomes a living thing, like ur breathe.
That sounds very enslaving. Logically, if u look at it, it is pure slavery, but experientially if u go into it, it is absolute liberation.
Soul
Yea, it is liberating. When I am in Sadhguru's presence, I don't have to be. There is no need for me to be, I can lose myself and let others take charge of me. That's why I love Sathsang.
Mmm, perhaps I will love Kailash too. Now food is not an issue anymore. But I m not sure if my feet and elbow can do the climb.
Sadhguru
The very word 'yoga' means union. U know this. It means u and the existence, u and the other, have become one. When this happens, it does not mean that 'that' becomes part of u. It is just that u lost urself. U lost urself so u have become one. U cannot include 'that' as part of u. That is an illusion. Only if u lose urself, u can become one, not otherwise. This is dangerous talk, because nobody wants to lose himself. Everybody wants to find himself.
The whole effort in life is to find urself, not to lose urself. That is the reason why u take lifetimes. U want to go east, but u start heading towards west, so u need a full circle. But because u r trying to run this way and that way most of u do not have the perseverance and energy to run the full circle.
But if u have trust, u will not have to run the full circle. With somebody's presence, with another being's presence, u can walk the path.
When the gold is here, if u walk the opposite way, u will be seen as an idiot. But u will dare to be an idiot only when there is trust in u.
Soul
Suddenly I tot, just lose my need to persevere myself, my privacy and etc.
When I go with Z, I felt I lost myself. I lost my identity. I looked like an idiot.
Suddenly a tot came to checked out Seven of Spades, my Cosmic lesson.
Seven of Spades as Pluto
This powerful spiritual card will insist that u take an honest look at ur work and health and root out any that are negative and creating negative results in ur life. For this reason, this card is often associated with work and health problem.
This is called the Card of Faith. Success with this card requires rising to a new level of living that is beyond our normal fears and concerns. For those involved in spiritual work, this influence challenges u to move toward more success and make progress towards ur work and personal goals.
Affirmation
I am tapping into the source of God energy and transforming all the negativity in my life into fearlessness and appreciation. I am living faith.
Soul
I am on the right track. Z is to show me my mirror. On one hand, he is so confident in rship and it comes easily to him and yet he is fearful. So, what's inside is not the same as outside. The same with me, I seems to be brave person and fearless but in reality I m fearful. At times, I don't even dare to open up emails that I knew is negative.
Father, let me see all my fears. Let me open up.
Opening up my blog
Nov 18 aft
Father, today I did my walk in the park. My high definition eye sight is back. All the grasses and trees are so lovely. I walk quite effortlessly for 3 round, body is fine too.
I just written to my newly found editor that I won't be sending any new article yet. I just want to write and upload into my blog. Once I have selected a compilation of stories, then I ask for edit.
But I was also thinking perhaps I can invest in an English course as what I lacked was grammar and verbal rather than written english.
I finally found my breakthru. I just open up my blog. I need not see it as bad or good or how others will judge me. Now I realised what the Internal influence card - Morality means. It is for me to overcome my self-judgement.
Morality
Awareness cannot do anything that is bad. Anything that comes out of it is simply beautiful, simply right, without any effort and practice.
The Queen of Clouds lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable, moral and immoral.
It important that all these judgements of the mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgement are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
Alas I break through my conditioning. I decided to open up my blog and I also shared with Z that I have a private blog. After all my turmoil and dilemma, it is not difficult.
And today I got Morality under today Osho readings.
Also my "What is needed for resolution?"
New Vision.
The figure on this card is being born anew, emerging from his earthbound roots and growing wings to fly into the unbounded.
Resolution
Consciousness
When u choose this card, it means that there is crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies in the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself. Accept this great gift, and share it.
Soul
I finally got a New Vision and it started when I saw Z's selfishness is the mirror of my self centredness. Then I knew my self centredness arise because of my high level of self protection due to me feeling unsafe in life.
And I am now meeting my fear face on.
Amen for letting me tune into Osho cards to guide me.
Father, today I did my walk in the park. My high definition eye sight is back. All the grasses and trees are so lovely. I walk quite effortlessly for 3 round, body is fine too.
I just written to my newly found editor that I won't be sending any new article yet. I just want to write and upload into my blog. Once I have selected a compilation of stories, then I ask for edit.
But I was also thinking perhaps I can invest in an English course as what I lacked was grammar and verbal rather than written english.
I finally found my breakthru. I just open up my blog. I need not see it as bad or good or how others will judge me. Now I realised what the Internal influence card - Morality means. It is for me to overcome my self-judgement.
Morality
Awareness cannot do anything that is bad. Anything that comes out of it is simply beautiful, simply right, without any effort and practice.
The Queen of Clouds lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable, moral and immoral.
It important that all these judgements of the mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgement are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
Alas I break through my conditioning. I decided to open up my blog and I also shared with Z that I have a private blog. After all my turmoil and dilemma, it is not difficult.
And today I got Morality under today Osho readings.
Also my "What is needed for resolution?"
New Vision.
The figure on this card is being born anew, emerging from his earthbound roots and growing wings to fly into the unbounded.
Resolution
Consciousness
When u choose this card, it means that there is crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies in the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself. Accept this great gift, and share it.
Soul
I finally got a New Vision and it started when I saw Z's selfishness is the mirror of my self centredness. Then I knew my self centredness arise because of my high level of self protection due to me feeling unsafe in life.
And I am now meeting my fear face on.
Amen for letting me tune into Osho cards to guide me.
I am Fear ...
Nov 18
Don't polish Your Ignorance - Sadhguru
U r fear in many ways. If u ask me, u r fear itself. It is just that by making certain arrangements in life u try to keep fear beneath the surface. When ur arrangements do not work, it pops up, isn't it?
So, fear is also naturally there in every aspect on the spiritual path. It is very natural. If u r aware of the fear, then it is good. It is good that u r aware that u have fear before taking the next step and still u do not succumb to that fear.
Soul
I have fear that others knows of my blog. But I also know if others don't know, how can I share my learnings with others.
And if they don't know me, how can they accept my learnings.
It is a chicken and egg. The other day when a new meditator said he stumble into a blog dated 2009 and he saw me. For a moment, I was frightened that he found out about my blog and then I calm down once I knew he is referring to Isha blog. What a relief!
So, now I m going to open up. I don't know what is the outcome but I knew I need to do it, the first step of taking myself out of this dilemma situation of wanting to share my learning but yet don't want others to know of my blog.
Sadhguru
Now to overcome this and to continue walking the path, there is one most essential thing u must have and that is commitment.
This is the only way u can rise beyond ur limitations and fears. Otherwise every step when fear comes, u will ask urself, "Should I really do this? No, do I really need this?"
U must be willing to drop ur wall. The rest will happen by itself. So ur commitment is that u r pulling down the walls consciously all the time.
Soul
I will commit. I have started the ball rolling by sharing with Z.
I have taken a pay cut to have 3 days week so I can do my 'sharings' and I am committed to make it work. I don't know what will happen. But I know my avenues of sharing has opened.
Don't polish Your Ignorance - Sadhguru
U r fear in many ways. If u ask me, u r fear itself. It is just that by making certain arrangements in life u try to keep fear beneath the surface. When ur arrangements do not work, it pops up, isn't it?
So, fear is also naturally there in every aspect on the spiritual path. It is very natural. If u r aware of the fear, then it is good. It is good that u r aware that u have fear before taking the next step and still u do not succumb to that fear.
Soul
I have fear that others knows of my blog. But I also know if others don't know, how can I share my learnings with others.
And if they don't know me, how can they accept my learnings.
It is a chicken and egg. The other day when a new meditator said he stumble into a blog dated 2009 and he saw me. For a moment, I was frightened that he found out about my blog and then I calm down once I knew he is referring to Isha blog. What a relief!
So, now I m going to open up. I don't know what is the outcome but I knew I need to do it, the first step of taking myself out of this dilemma situation of wanting to share my learning but yet don't want others to know of my blog.
Sadhguru
Now to overcome this and to continue walking the path, there is one most essential thing u must have and that is commitment.
This is the only way u can rise beyond ur limitations and fears. Otherwise every step when fear comes, u will ask urself, "Should I really do this? No, do I really need this?"
U must be willing to drop ur wall. The rest will happen by itself. So ur commitment is that u r pulling down the walls consciously all the time.
Soul
I will commit. I have started the ball rolling by sharing with Z.
I have taken a pay cut to have 3 days week so I can do my 'sharings' and I am committed to make it work. I don't know what will happen. But I know my avenues of sharing has opened.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Taurus North Node...me..
Nov 17 Eve
Father, finally bought my notebook hoversack bag. I like it and I think the values is ok. But somehow because I purchased it without any discount, I felt bit uneasy on whether I actually got a good deal.
What is it about me that need to buy things on discount. I used to buy clothes at 40 to 50% discount and then later adjourned to 20% the last 2 years and recently 10% and now alas 0%. I guess I always wants things with values and since we were poor, I can only get more high value goods at a discount. But now that I am ok financially, I can have the high value goods without paying discount. But still whenever I buy without discount, I felt a sense of uneasy, I didn't get a good deal or I could have got a better deal if I wait.
I know most of my family members are on discount mode, especially my brother and second sister. We can afford to buy without discount but somehow our preference is to buy with discount.
Father, can you guide me on this.
Taurus North Node by Jan Spiller
They tend to be secretive and only share with others selectively - telling them only what they want them to know. There is a separation, an aloofness, because they have a protective shell around them and are on 'high alert' at all times. They are afraid of letting someone in who might hurt and betray them that their guard is never down. They are calculating - even on the most minute level - what to do, how to do it, and what the results will be.
They are here to learn to just go with the flow and accept things at face value.
Soul
That's true. I am a Strategist, a Controlled person. I don't let my guard down.
I am considered Self-Centred. Father, it is time for me to look into my RA, over-reactive defense mechanism. I want to know I m SAFE.
Taurus in North Node
They create crises in their lives that could easily be avoided. On an unconscious level, they do this to demonstrate their power - like a person who starts a fire so they can run in and save someone.
Subconsciously, the native is trying to build self-worth by having others validate how powerful they are.
They are here to learn the value of choosing the path of "comfort and ease", over the path of crisis.
Soul
That's true. For more than 15 years I was always attracted to crisis company. Whenever things smoothen out, I will jump ship. I knew I jumped ship because "overcoming crisis' validates me and gives me "valuation". I tot I was over it but the same thing happen when I joined new company, and I can also see the VP as someone who enjoy starting crisis and expect others to resolve them. He thinks this help others to grow. I was constantly kept on crisis mode. That's why I left, I don't want my life on crisis anymore. I no longer need validation from crisis. So, now I m back to my old company with a 3 days week.
Taurus North Node people
These people may also maintain a crisis environment by partnering with someone whose life is in constant crisis. This has the same effect of preventing intimacy because everyone is busy handling the crisis instead of relating to one another on a personal level.
Soul
Z is constantly busy. Creating new challenges to overcome and hence no time for me.
Apart from his own challenges, he also fulfills all his family obligation. I always seem to be the last on the priorities list.
I used to be Ok as my Ruling is Ace of Diamonds which made me create my own challenges and hence less time for him.
I tot he would finally rest but he then went to buy a new expensive car, which means he has to be more busy to earn the money to make monthly settlement.
And here I am on 3 days week so I have more time for him. But alas he still has no time for me.
I have changed but he has not.
Taurus North Node people
They can create drama as distraction from dealing with their own inner complexities. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust in negative tots:" This person is going to betray me .... That person is going to hurt me ...".
They create crisis in the outside world as a way to interact with their powerful unresolved emotions on a secondary level - outside themselves. Its like they are trying to learn how to deal with their internal feelings by creating external crisis that they can face and handle. Ultimately, the idea is for them to turn inward and deal directly with these intense issues, which include unresolved past life betrayals.
Lifetimes when they supported another who tricked them or betrayed them in some way has led to a seething inner rage and constant fear of unexpected betrayal - which is why they are so self-protective.
Soul
Whenever things doesn't turn my way, I would tend to think negatively of people trying to 'hurt me'. But the last 2 years, I am conscious of it.
Taurus North Node people
Past life regression therapy could be great for this people of this nodal group. By allowing memories from their subconscious to come to surface and be dealt with, they can release their many layers of inner tension.
Soul
Not sure of this. I think knowing of past life only complicates matters. Besides I think my mind is already shitty. By opening, I will just feed it more things to shit around. Best to handle what I know.
What I know is I can be negative and I am managing it.
What I know is I am fearful of life, I am over-protective of myself hence I become self-centred. My over-reactive defense mechanism flows into my body causing over-reactive auto immune system which resulted in disease named Rheumathoid Arthritis
Taurus North Node peoe
Due to unresolved past life issues of betrayal, these people also have a tough time forgiving. Others feel that if they wrong the native even once, that's the end. They just don't let things go.
Soul
True. Once a friend did something that hurt me, I tend to remember. But now I am learning to let go cos I knew its my own issue.
Just like with P. I used to like her a lot and tot she could be a confidante. But after that showdone at the volunteer meeting, my net is up. But I am slowly removing it cos I now understand her reaction.
Taurus North Node people.
This dynamic occurs because if this people trust someone and that person betrays them, it triggers a seething rage. It's a bottom line survival issue and they experience absolute terror and rage inside. They are afraid to let it out and keeping it under wraps means that they are in protection mode all the time. So they are very discriminating about who they allow to become close, and just how close they allow each person to be.
They r terrified of losing control and releasing intense destructive energy.
Soul
Yea. That's me. When I did Asia work, I was judged to be a Control Freak. I controlled myself a lot, and it is on auto mode. I found the switch.
Perhaps that's why I am a 'noisy' meditator. When I let go, all my issues being released. Perhaps they r right, I got load of internal issues. I laughed, I cried and I danced and sing when I meditate. All forms of expression that is not common from me.
Taurus North Node
And since the rage is emanating from unresolved past life experiences, subsconsciously they believe that resolution or healing isn't possible.
But when they consciously channel that energy into building something they feel is worthwhile, the pressure can naturally express in a controlled manner. Then the native can direct that energy in ways that make them feel good about themselves. It's the difference between turning a faucet on full blast so it erodes the earth, or attaching a hose to it and using it to gently water a garden.
Soul
Father, yes. After so many years of searching and 4 years of meditation, my RA is still intact. And when I lost Z, I begin to lose hope on my inner path.
I tot I could not release it. But at least I now know I am fearful of life, Z is fearless of life. I am fearless in rship and Z is fearful. Like Pe said, I am egoless when it comes to rship.
My inner path and Isha practices is worthwhile. My blog is my outlet. My blog is the avenue. All my inner conflicts, my insights, my learnings can now be released. I need not wait for Editor or Programmers. I can now be immediate with my sharings.
I was surprised by msg from Z, finally one week later send pix of his car. I told him of my secret 'blog" and my plan to develop it further with my stories and abridged books.
But I m not going to tell him my blog cos I need to keep my parameter from him.
But I did thank him for "helping" me to open up. I told him of my insight that he is fearful of rship and I m similar, fearful of life.
He replied "no comment". So typical of him. I just respond with a smile and wish him good night.
Father, thank U. Alas I feel I can be 'friend' with Z. Amen. I feel we have completed a cycle. I love him but I m fine now without being with him. I m now not so sure I am ready for a rship. I want to grow myself. I want to live. I want to open up my life and to really live out my Destiny as a Transforming agent. Amen.
Father, finally bought my notebook hoversack bag. I like it and I think the values is ok. But somehow because I purchased it without any discount, I felt bit uneasy on whether I actually got a good deal.
What is it about me that need to buy things on discount. I used to buy clothes at 40 to 50% discount and then later adjourned to 20% the last 2 years and recently 10% and now alas 0%. I guess I always wants things with values and since we were poor, I can only get more high value goods at a discount. But now that I am ok financially, I can have the high value goods without paying discount. But still whenever I buy without discount, I felt a sense of uneasy, I didn't get a good deal or I could have got a better deal if I wait.
I know most of my family members are on discount mode, especially my brother and second sister. We can afford to buy without discount but somehow our preference is to buy with discount.
Father, can you guide me on this.
Taurus North Node by Jan Spiller
They tend to be secretive and only share with others selectively - telling them only what they want them to know. There is a separation, an aloofness, because they have a protective shell around them and are on 'high alert' at all times. They are afraid of letting someone in who might hurt and betray them that their guard is never down. They are calculating - even on the most minute level - what to do, how to do it, and what the results will be.
They are here to learn to just go with the flow and accept things at face value.
Soul
That's true. I am a Strategist, a Controlled person. I don't let my guard down.
I am considered Self-Centred. Father, it is time for me to look into my RA, over-reactive defense mechanism. I want to know I m SAFE.
Taurus in North Node
They create crises in their lives that could easily be avoided. On an unconscious level, they do this to demonstrate their power - like a person who starts a fire so they can run in and save someone.
Subconsciously, the native is trying to build self-worth by having others validate how powerful they are.
They are here to learn the value of choosing the path of "comfort and ease", over the path of crisis.
Soul
That's true. For more than 15 years I was always attracted to crisis company. Whenever things smoothen out, I will jump ship. I knew I jumped ship because "overcoming crisis' validates me and gives me "valuation". I tot I was over it but the same thing happen when I joined new company, and I can also see the VP as someone who enjoy starting crisis and expect others to resolve them. He thinks this help others to grow. I was constantly kept on crisis mode. That's why I left, I don't want my life on crisis anymore. I no longer need validation from crisis. So, now I m back to my old company with a 3 days week.
Taurus North Node people
These people may also maintain a crisis environment by partnering with someone whose life is in constant crisis. This has the same effect of preventing intimacy because everyone is busy handling the crisis instead of relating to one another on a personal level.
Soul
Z is constantly busy. Creating new challenges to overcome and hence no time for me.
Apart from his own challenges, he also fulfills all his family obligation. I always seem to be the last on the priorities list.
I used to be Ok as my Ruling is Ace of Diamonds which made me create my own challenges and hence less time for him.
I tot he would finally rest but he then went to buy a new expensive car, which means he has to be more busy to earn the money to make monthly settlement.
And here I am on 3 days week so I have more time for him. But alas he still has no time for me.
I have changed but he has not.
Taurus North Node people
They can create drama as distraction from dealing with their own inner complexities. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust in negative tots:" This person is going to betray me .... That person is going to hurt me ...".
They create crisis in the outside world as a way to interact with their powerful unresolved emotions on a secondary level - outside themselves. Its like they are trying to learn how to deal with their internal feelings by creating external crisis that they can face and handle. Ultimately, the idea is for them to turn inward and deal directly with these intense issues, which include unresolved past life betrayals.
Lifetimes when they supported another who tricked them or betrayed them in some way has led to a seething inner rage and constant fear of unexpected betrayal - which is why they are so self-protective.
Soul
Whenever things doesn't turn my way, I would tend to think negatively of people trying to 'hurt me'. But the last 2 years, I am conscious of it.
Taurus North Node people
Past life regression therapy could be great for this people of this nodal group. By allowing memories from their subconscious to come to surface and be dealt with, they can release their many layers of inner tension.
Soul
Not sure of this. I think knowing of past life only complicates matters. Besides I think my mind is already shitty. By opening, I will just feed it more things to shit around. Best to handle what I know.
What I know is I can be negative and I am managing it.
What I know is I am fearful of life, I am over-protective of myself hence I become self-centred. My over-reactive defense mechanism flows into my body causing over-reactive auto immune system which resulted in disease named Rheumathoid Arthritis
Taurus North Node peoe
Due to unresolved past life issues of betrayal, these people also have a tough time forgiving. Others feel that if they wrong the native even once, that's the end. They just don't let things go.
Soul
True. Once a friend did something that hurt me, I tend to remember. But now I am learning to let go cos I knew its my own issue.
Just like with P. I used to like her a lot and tot she could be a confidante. But after that showdone at the volunteer meeting, my net is up. But I am slowly removing it cos I now understand her reaction.
Taurus North Node people.
This dynamic occurs because if this people trust someone and that person betrays them, it triggers a seething rage. It's a bottom line survival issue and they experience absolute terror and rage inside. They are afraid to let it out and keeping it under wraps means that they are in protection mode all the time. So they are very discriminating about who they allow to become close, and just how close they allow each person to be.
They r terrified of losing control and releasing intense destructive energy.
Soul
Yea. That's me. When I did Asia work, I was judged to be a Control Freak. I controlled myself a lot, and it is on auto mode. I found the switch.
Perhaps that's why I am a 'noisy' meditator. When I let go, all my issues being released. Perhaps they r right, I got load of internal issues. I laughed, I cried and I danced and sing when I meditate. All forms of expression that is not common from me.
Taurus North Node
And since the rage is emanating from unresolved past life experiences, subsconsciously they believe that resolution or healing isn't possible.
But when they consciously channel that energy into building something they feel is worthwhile, the pressure can naturally express in a controlled manner. Then the native can direct that energy in ways that make them feel good about themselves. It's the difference between turning a faucet on full blast so it erodes the earth, or attaching a hose to it and using it to gently water a garden.
Soul
Father, yes. After so many years of searching and 4 years of meditation, my RA is still intact. And when I lost Z, I begin to lose hope on my inner path.
I tot I could not release it. But at least I now know I am fearful of life, Z is fearless of life. I am fearless in rship and Z is fearful. Like Pe said, I am egoless when it comes to rship.
My inner path and Isha practices is worthwhile. My blog is my outlet. My blog is the avenue. All my inner conflicts, my insights, my learnings can now be released. I need not wait for Editor or Programmers. I can now be immediate with my sharings.
I was surprised by msg from Z, finally one week later send pix of his car. I told him of my secret 'blog" and my plan to develop it further with my stories and abridged books.
But I m not going to tell him my blog cos I need to keep my parameter from him.
But I did thank him for "helping" me to open up. I told him of my insight that he is fearful of rship and I m similar, fearful of life.
He replied "no comment". So typical of him. I just respond with a smile and wish him good night.
Father, thank U. Alas I feel I can be 'friend' with Z. Amen. I feel we have completed a cycle. I love him but I m fine now without being with him. I m now not so sure I am ready for a rship. I want to grow myself. I want to live. I want to open up my life and to really live out my Destiny as a Transforming agent. Amen.
Opening up my blog - overcoming my fear
Nov 17
Father, I woke up at 7.16 am to do my practices.
As I was doing my breathing meditation, I asked for guidance on my Cosmic lesson, Z.
When I was doing Shakti, suddenly a tot occurred to me. Use my blog as the platform for my writings. I can then just post my writings whenever I write and then only does edit on those articles that I compiled into books. Then I don't have to wait till it being edited and I also don't have to pay unnecessarily. Really hope I can find an editor that does this for free.....H is doing it for free, but it takes her 2 to 3 months to revert on an article.
I now have a secure career, my main purpose is to share.
I recalled a lady said my stories will have meaning for people who knew me. They will know since my daily journal is in my blog. I created a website because I don't want to open up my blog. But there is lack of "hits" in joyong website. I recalled Sadhguru said only few people will search for truth or do sadhanas when they are in 'heaven'. Most people will on search when they are in 'hell', suffering.
My purpose of sharing via my blog sufferingisblessing is to tell people suffering is just a signpost for us to change direction towards our happiness.
By doing this, I am finally opening up my blog, I am releasing my fear of being known, I am overcoming my fear of feeling unsafe. I am SAFE. I will now learn from Z. He is so fearful of rship and I am so fearful of life. I don't know when he will feel safe but I will learn from him.
Father, this is the real finale on my cosmic lesson of Seven of Spades. I am SAFE. And perhaps alas I found the key to heal myself from RA.
I also did tot of sending him my blog. Finally opening up to him. But I didn't. I think my lesson is learned, just let him go.
Of course when I slept this late afternoon, I dreamed I missed him. Just let it pass. I will focus on releasing my fear of life.
Just focus on my writing. My English is fine and I now had a tots - my stories - my Learnings.
Father, I woke up at 7.16 am to do my practices.
As I was doing my breathing meditation, I asked for guidance on my Cosmic lesson, Z.
When I was doing Shakti, suddenly a tot occurred to me. Use my blog as the platform for my writings. I can then just post my writings whenever I write and then only does edit on those articles that I compiled into books. Then I don't have to wait till it being edited and I also don't have to pay unnecessarily. Really hope I can find an editor that does this for free.....H is doing it for free, but it takes her 2 to 3 months to revert on an article.
I now have a secure career, my main purpose is to share.
I recalled a lady said my stories will have meaning for people who knew me. They will know since my daily journal is in my blog. I created a website because I don't want to open up my blog. But there is lack of "hits" in joyong website. I recalled Sadhguru said only few people will search for truth or do sadhanas when they are in 'heaven'. Most people will on search when they are in 'hell', suffering.
My purpose of sharing via my blog sufferingisblessing is to tell people suffering is just a signpost for us to change direction towards our happiness.
By doing this, I am finally opening up my blog, I am releasing my fear of being known, I am overcoming my fear of feeling unsafe. I am SAFE. I will now learn from Z. He is so fearful of rship and I am so fearful of life. I don't know when he will feel safe but I will learn from him.
Father, this is the real finale on my cosmic lesson of Seven of Spades. I am SAFE. And perhaps alas I found the key to heal myself from RA.
I also did tot of sending him my blog. Finally opening up to him. But I didn't. I think my lesson is learned, just let him go.
Of course when I slept this late afternoon, I dreamed I missed him. Just let it pass. I will focus on releasing my fear of life.
Just focus on my writing. My English is fine and I now had a tots - my stories - my Learnings.
Z is my Cosmic Lesson card
Nov 16 eve
Father, I finally realised why I need Z to open up our rship. It is because I knew that if he open us up, it means he is committed to us. Cos I know he is the type that will stay on. That is why I chose him.
Yea, he keep on saying he doesn't want commitment but we been together for nearly 2 years. I love him and I don't want to go in deeper ... Never ending losss. I felt unsafe in such a rship.
I prayed for guidance. Z is afraid of rship and I am afraid of life. Z's Seven of Spades is my Cosmic Lesson card. There is a reason for him to be in my life. My RA is due to over-reactive defense mechanism as a result of fear.
I now admit I don't feel safe. Father, let me learn this lesson. Guide me.
Father, I finally realised why I need Z to open up our rship. It is because I knew that if he open us up, it means he is committed to us. Cos I know he is the type that will stay on. That is why I chose him.
Yea, he keep on saying he doesn't want commitment but we been together for nearly 2 years. I love him and I don't want to go in deeper ... Never ending losss. I felt unsafe in such a rship.
I prayed for guidance. Z is afraid of rship and I am afraid of life. Z's Seven of Spades is my Cosmic Lesson card. There is a reason for him to be in my life. My RA is due to over-reactive defense mechanism as a result of fear.
I now admit I don't feel safe. Father, let me learn this lesson. Guide me.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
I am accepting that I am Ok even if my partner doesn’t want me
Z and I got back
together for one day since our short break up nearly 2 months earlier. We decided
to meet up as he was to travel overseas for a long trip. Fortunately or
unfortunately, he suddenly mentioned that he would have to leave me for a few
hours to attend his partner’s son’s birthday dinner. He said it was ‘a last
minute thing’ and he could not refuse the invitation. Yet he also didn’t want to
miss our meet up.
I was fine for the first
few hours together, but when he was about to leave me, I suddenly felt sad
again. I asked, ‘Why do we have to go through this, why can’t we be open about
our relationship?’ Again his answer was that he was not ready for a
relationship and he couldn’t do it even under pressure from his mother. I
started to sulk but I remembered that I should not clam up but at least try to
talk things out with him. We chatted but there was no solution as he was adamant
for us to remain status quo. Suddenly I realized I had reached a limit and said
to him, “Let’s not wait, let just end this now”. He looked at me and said “I
respect your wishes”. However towards the end, just before he left, he tried to
engage me in conversation to pull me back from my sadness but I couldn’t take
it. I gave him a hug, said goodbye and drove off.
About a few weeks
later, my phone was reinstalled and I lost his messenger contact. We had ended
well and I didn’t want him to think that I deleted him again. So I asked for
his contact and once again we were connected. We both updated our profile every
now and then to keep each other abreast - or perhaps it was only I who was
doing that…
There were a couple
of messages every now and then but it has been nearly one and a half months
since our last break up. We had not spoken to each other since then.
I admit my mind still
worked overtime wondering if there was still a way, hoping he could change his
mind. His Pluto challenge was Five of Clubs and Results is Queen of Diamonds;
i.e. if he changed his mind, we be together since I am a Queen of Diamonds.
I still missed him
and at times I longed to chat with him again about my ups and downs as he had
been my sounding board for the past 2 years. But I held back as I wasn’t confident
that I wouldn’t go back to the past. I made a choice and made up my mind to
stick to it. I knew going back on my decision would only cause me sadness.
At the same time,
since I lost him, my faith in my Isha practices had also diminished. Since I
couldn’t get what I wanted, perhaps I need not invest as much time as I used
to. I was slacking in my hata yoga. So, on one hand I was losing Z and on the
other, my desire and diligence in my practices, so - double whammy! The trees
no longer looked as great as before, and I couldn’t even remember the last time
I looked at the grass. When I was in my
high point, I could feel the grass, and their loveliness could even stop me in
my tracks. But those days were gone.
I am now facing my
Mars 52-day period of Three of Spades and Three of Clubs till early December
2012. I have started my 3-day work week and adjusted well but I still have not reverted
to my 5-day hata yoga practices. So, these 52 days brings a change of life
style and change of mind. I told myself that
there was nothing I could do with Z but at least I can do something about
myself, I can get back to myself, get myself connected once more. At the same
time, I saw an ex-colleague and thought she looked rather old. My friend
commented that she did look her age and it is I who looked young; as I look thirty-something
but am actually in my mid-forties. That made me realize that yoga can really
help to energise us and at the same it was re-affirmed by what I read in
Sadhguru’s Mystic Musings book.
So for the past 2
weeks, I focused back on my practice and this week I even did 4 days of hata
yoga. Today I walked in the park and once again I can see the loveliness of the
grass, so green and alive. My HD eye sight is back once more.
I checked the Osho
card for the day and I got the Slowing
Down card;
Meditation
is a kind of medicine. The essence is at ease. Do whatsoever you are doing, but
at the deepest core, remain at ease, cool, calm and centered. Each moment, one
has to be at ease with oneself, not trying to improve, not cultivating
anything, not practising anything. We carry our home with us wherever we go.
Even as we move into the depths of the emotional water, we can remain
self-contained and free from attachments. It is a time when you are ready to
let go of any attachments. It is a time when you are ready to let go of any
expectations you have had about yourself or other people and to take
responsibility for any illusions you might be carrying. There is no need to do
anything but rest in the fullness of what you are right now. If desires and
hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. The disappearance is
making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and you
are able to welcome this development in a way you have never been able to
before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognizing
that you are already at home.
How appropriate,
that was how I felt too. I felt a sense of closure. True, I love Z and I still
miss him but the gnawing pains that used to plague me no longer exist; it is my
own loneliness that I had to deal with. I can accept that at times I still miss
him and want him, but it’s all good. I am now more aware and I know I wouldn’t react
compulsively as I used to. I have accepted where I am at the moment. For now, I
will just refocus on my Isha practices and allow my connection with the
Universe to grow again.
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