My hidden fear...activate RA

Nov 18 eve
Father, I think my blog cannot hold the readings and learnings and also ebook. The best is to link my blog to the website. So, anyone who access my website can see the link to the blog and vice versa. I think I need to update profile on the Blog to mention on website's purpose.

A fellow meditator called and I shared with her that I m now trying to bring out and acknowledge my fear and address it consciously instead of letting my body address is subsconsciously by releasing heavy defense mechanism and attack my own body instead.

Just now I had a tot of myself now being fearless and tot of Z but I waived it. Let's not go back. I am afraid of life, not rship.

Father, let me face my fearful self. Let me see it. I need not hide and control my fear. Let it come out so my body doesn't have to address it. 

Soul
I am feeling afraid of the revenue reversal for a major client. I am afraid SS will blame me. I want to project it to MD who keep on saying the fee is good. But now cannot be hold up. Even when I asked her if the fee is jeopardised now that her contact has resigned, she said nope. I need to be careful in future.

Tot of sharing this with Z. But I cannot. I can see he is not ready. And neither am I. I slept around 2 am yesterday cos overly excited after our messages. Yea, I am afraid of Z too.

I am also afraid of losing E's good impression of me.

Don't polish your ignorance - it may shine
Sadhguru
Feeling the Guru's presence truly means that it simply becomes ur life breathe. "How can I make it that way?". U cannot make it that way. If u make urself less and less and less, the presence becomes more and more in ur life.
How to make myself less than what I am right now?
Right now ur life is revolving around u. It is all about u, is it not? So, the very device of accepting a guru in ur life is this: suddenly ur life no longer revolves around u. U r a secondary person in ur life. U r not the hero in the drama. U r just a side role, then this presence becomes a living thing, like ur breathe.
That sounds very enslaving. Logically, if u look at it, it is pure slavery, but experientially if u go into it, it is absolute liberation.

Soul
Yea, it is liberating. When I am in Sadhguru's presence, I don't have to be. There is no need for me to be, I can lose myself and let others take charge of me. That's why I love Sathsang.

Mmm, perhaps I will love Kailash too. Now food is not an issue anymore. But I m not sure if my feet and elbow can do the climb.


Sadhguru
The very word 'yoga' means union. U know this. It means u and the existence, u and the other, have become one. When this happens, it does not mean that 'that' becomes part of u. It is just that u lost urself. U lost urself so u have become one. U cannot include 'that' as part of u. That is an illusion. Only if u lose urself, u can become one, not otherwise. This is dangerous talk, because nobody wants to lose himself. Everybody wants to find himself.

The whole effort in life is to find urself, not to lose urself. That is the reason why u take lifetimes. U want to go east, but u start heading towards west, so u need a full circle. But because u r trying to run this way and that way most of u do not have the perseverance and energy to run the full circle.

But if u have trust, u will not have to run the full circle. With somebody's presence, with another being's presence, u can walk the path.
When the gold is here, if u walk the opposite way, u will be seen as an idiot. But u will dare to be an idiot only when there is trust in u.

Soul
Suddenly I tot, just lose my need to persevere myself, my privacy and etc.

When I go with Z, I felt I lost myself. I lost my identity. I looked like an idiot.

Suddenly a tot came to checked out Seven of Spades, my Cosmic lesson.
Seven of Spades as Pluto
This powerful spiritual card will insist that u take an honest look at ur work and health and root out any that are negative and creating negative results in ur life. For this reason, this card is often associated with work and health problem.

This is called the Card of Faith. Success with this card requires rising to a new level of living that is beyond our normal fears and concerns. For those involved in spiritual work, this influence challenges u to move toward more success and make progress towards ur work and personal goals.

Affirmation
I am tapping into the source of God energy and transforming all the negativity in my life into fearlessness and appreciation. I am living faith.

Soul
I am on the right track. Z is to show me my mirror. On one hand, he is so confident in rship and it comes easily to him and yet he is fearful. So, what's inside is not the same as outside. The same with me, I seems to be brave person and fearless but in reality I m fearful. At times, I don't even dare to open up emails that I knew is negative.
Father, let me see all my fears. Let me open up.