Realisation of Z - acceptance

Nov 4 Eve

Father, now that understanding has dawned on me. I am no longer angry at Z anymore. I understand what he is facing. Actually he has told me before many times but I closed my ears cos I wanted a different outcome. I guess I was just the same as the Isha members who wouldn't listen when I told them I wanted out a year ago.

Of course part of me wanted him and hence I hold on till I couldn't do so and in the end had to break off. I too was consistent in saying no to Isha but I still continue.

Guess that the same with Z continuously saying no to committed rship but stay loyal to me for the past 2 years. Just like Isha meditators didn't take me seriously, the same I didn't take Z seriously.

This is the finale. This I can finally write and close the chapter on our rship of 2 years. There is no regrets and he will always be in my daily prayers of thanks.

Now alas I understood my Osho weekly card that I got on Monday morning.

1. Issue
Turning in
Turning inwards simply means that u have been running after this desire and that and u have been running and running and u have been coming again to frustration. That each desire brings misery, that there is no fulfilment through desire. Seeing this truth, that running takes u nowhere, u stop. When desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in. This is called turning in. But it is not turning at all, it is simply not going out.

Taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Consciousness.
Consciousness is available to all who become a master of the mind and can use it as the servant it is meant to be. When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.

3. External Influence
Schizophrenia
U r a marketplace - many voices. If u want to say 'yes', immediately the 'no' is there. U cannot even utter a simple word 'yes' with totality. In this way, happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.

Soul
Yea, this I knew was on Z. I didn't know how to get out of my mind.

4. What is needed for resolution
Ice-olation
We r miserable because we r too much in the self. Either u can be in existence or u can be in the self - both are not possible together.
Woman can put on a brave face and try not to cry when they get hurt, not show that they r in pain. We feel that the only way to survive is to close of our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again. If our pain is particularly deep, we might even try to hide it from ourselves.
The tears, only the tears have the power to melt the ice. It is okay to cry and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves and finally helps us to heal.

Soul
I did cry a couple of times during shoonya. I was surprised cos I tot I got over him. But looks like I was still grieving inside and I felt better after the deep cries on Thursday.

5. Resolution
Projection
The only way to reach to truth is to learn how to be immediate in ur vision, how to drop the help of the mind. The agency of the mind is the problem because mind creates only dream.

Soul
Alas, I finally sees the truth on Z's view on rship; its the same as my view on volunteering for Isha.