Finally realisation dawn on Z

Nov 4

Father, I dreamt of Z coming back to me. He said he tots of me everyday and he never let me go. He wants me to be near him always. He keep on asking if I have the same feeling. Somehow I didn't answer as he didn't say the part whereby we r in a committed rship or not.

I went for a walk in the park. My HD eye sight is back. I can see the green-ness and aliveness in the grass once again. I am glad I focused back on my practices.

Slowing down
Meditation is a kind of medicine. The essence is at ease. Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm, centered.
Each moment one has to be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practising anything.
We carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people and to take the responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying. There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. This disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.

Nine of Club
U r ready to awaken to a new and higher way of thinking that will be better than u have imagined.

Father, I did 2 stories today. I just realised I ended my dram with Drivers. Alas, my current boss is not a Driver. Let me appreciate that my Drivers karma is over.


Father, read my blog in 2009 and I realised I took up the Sathsang guide position cos I had an insight to be Isha promoter.

In Sept 2009, I was crying cos firstly I don't have a partner and secondly judging myself for wanting one, despite having so much after meditation. I wrote that part of me want it but part of me fear it cos I don't want to lose control.

Finally I am accepting. I love Z and I miss him but I am fine. It was not as bad as I tot. I am still me, not lost. I can still experience my connection.

Way of Heart
Mastery is a state of fearlessness when u place a value on a situation and it is outside ur control u creates fear in u.
Do not create unconsciously and just walk away. Learn ceaselessly from ur creation. From here u begin the process of dropping unenlightened being.
Never believe ur tot are neutral. Ur tot has the power of creation and they do not create neutrally. Even if the ripples of ur creation comes in Not to ur Liking, u r still free to choose ur response. Stop reacting as if u were a victim, give it acceptance as all events are neutral (doesn't affect ur Core and choose to create wisely again.)

Bad or good - just experience of Life. If u look at it lovingly, u can transmute it and send a different set of ripple.

Soul
Amen. Thank u. I can now accept without feeling guilty. It is ok. I failed cos I created wrongly. But I can response the way I wanted. I am not a victim, I got what I wanted and I end it when it didn't grow the way I wanted. And I even choose a guy with money issue. Let my issue with love and money ends now by my acceptance. Amen.

My seed of partner and what I created
Rich - Z is not cos he spends all that he earns.
Smart - Z is intelligent but not smart cos he spends more than he earns. He gives away when he doesn't have.
Loving - Z is not
Spiritual - Z is not.
Bamboo house with pool - nope.

He didn't fulfill all the criteria but he was patient and loving with me. He waited one year before we finally connected. He was patient, he never rush me. We enjoy each other body. And I also know he fulfills his family obligation. Once I am in, he takes care of me, he will always stay. On the surface he is financially insecure but in reality he is family secure. He is like a rock. So, he is the diamond that I sees since day one but I got side track due to my insecurity in money.

Father, alas I m not good for him. He need someone to see him up and I don't. While I admire his courage and will power, I am also afraid. Anyway, let's not go back. Perhaps I am not ready for this anyway. For now, just focus on my practice.

As I was driving back, suddenly it occur to me why Z doesn't want to have a rship now. He give full obligation to a rship. He knows he is not financially secure and cannot fulfill his obligation to a rship, which to him means marriage.
Just like I said not to Isha volunteering cos for me I will take the leadership role and so better don't volunteer if I can't be a lead.

Father, he told me before but I couldn't listen and I didn't understand. I guess it is the same as what the other Isha member feels when I wanted to pull out. It is not that I don't like Isha I do but I just cannot get involve cos I cannot lead, I cannot fulfill my obligation.

It is just what Z said to me, its not that he doesn't like me, he does but he cannot get involve in a committed rship with me cos he cannot fulfill his obligation of a rship.

Father, just like I avoided my Isha friends and hope they don't call me cos I feel guilty and want to go back. The same Z doesn't want me to contact him as he is not ready. Just like Isha let me go, I too got to let him go. Amen.

Father, with his new expensive car, its going to be further away or perhaps not.

Father, why I only see this after finally accepting the ending. Answer, which is precisely why u see.