Z and I got back
together for one day since our short break up nearly 2 months earlier. We decided
to meet up as he was to travel overseas for a long trip. Fortunately or
unfortunately, he suddenly mentioned that he would have to leave me for a few
hours to attend his partner’s son’s birthday dinner. He said it was ‘a last
minute thing’ and he could not refuse the invitation. Yet he also didn’t want to
miss our meet up.
I was fine for the first
few hours together, but when he was about to leave me, I suddenly felt sad
again. I asked, ‘Why do we have to go through this, why can’t we be open about
our relationship?’ Again his answer was that he was not ready for a
relationship and he couldn’t do it even under pressure from his mother. I
started to sulk but I remembered that I should not clam up but at least try to
talk things out with him. We chatted but there was no solution as he was adamant
for us to remain status quo. Suddenly I realized I had reached a limit and said
to him, “Let’s not wait, let just end this now”. He looked at me and said “I
respect your wishes”. However towards the end, just before he left, he tried to
engage me in conversation to pull me back from my sadness but I couldn’t take
it. I gave him a hug, said goodbye and drove off.
About a few weeks
later, my phone was reinstalled and I lost his messenger contact. We had ended
well and I didn’t want him to think that I deleted him again. So I asked for
his contact and once again we were connected. We both updated our profile every
now and then to keep each other abreast - or perhaps it was only I who was
doing that…
There were a couple
of messages every now and then but it has been nearly one and a half months
since our last break up. We had not spoken to each other since then.
I admit my mind still
worked overtime wondering if there was still a way, hoping he could change his
mind. His Pluto challenge was Five of Clubs and Results is Queen of Diamonds;
i.e. if he changed his mind, we be together since I am a Queen of Diamonds.
I still missed him
and at times I longed to chat with him again about my ups and downs as he had
been my sounding board for the past 2 years. But I held back as I wasn’t confident
that I wouldn’t go back to the past. I made a choice and made up my mind to
stick to it. I knew going back on my decision would only cause me sadness.
At the same time,
since I lost him, my faith in my Isha practices had also diminished. Since I
couldn’t get what I wanted, perhaps I need not invest as much time as I used
to. I was slacking in my hata yoga. So, on one hand I was losing Z and on the
other, my desire and diligence in my practices, so - double whammy! The trees
no longer looked as great as before, and I couldn’t even remember the last time
I looked at the grass. When I was in my
high point, I could feel the grass, and their loveliness could even stop me in
my tracks. But those days were gone.
I am now facing my
Mars 52-day period of Three of Spades and Three of Clubs till early December
2012. I have started my 3-day work week and adjusted well but I still have not reverted
to my 5-day hata yoga practices. So, these 52 days brings a change of life
style and change of mind. I told myself that
there was nothing I could do with Z but at least I can do something about
myself, I can get back to myself, get myself connected once more. At the same
time, I saw an ex-colleague and thought she looked rather old. My friend
commented that she did look her age and it is I who looked young; as I look thirty-something
but am actually in my mid-forties. That made me realize that yoga can really
help to energise us and at the same it was re-affirmed by what I read in
Sadhguru’s Mystic Musings book.
So for the past 2
weeks, I focused back on my practice and this week I even did 4 days of hata
yoga. Today I walked in the park and once again I can see the loveliness of the
grass, so green and alive. My HD eye sight is back once more.
I checked the Osho
card for the day and I got the Slowing
Down card;
Meditation
is a kind of medicine. The essence is at ease. Do whatsoever you are doing, but
at the deepest core, remain at ease, cool, calm and centered. Each moment, one
has to be at ease with oneself, not trying to improve, not cultivating
anything, not practising anything. We carry our home with us wherever we go.
Even as we move into the depths of the emotional water, we can remain
self-contained and free from attachments. It is a time when you are ready to
let go of any attachments. It is a time when you are ready to let go of any
expectations you have had about yourself or other people and to take
responsibility for any illusions you might be carrying. There is no need to do
anything but rest in the fullness of what you are right now. If desires and
hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. The disappearance is
making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and you
are able to welcome this development in a way you have never been able to
before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognizing
that you are already at home.
How appropriate,
that was how I felt too. I felt a sense of closure. True, I love Z and I still
miss him but the gnawing pains that used to plague me no longer exist; it is my
own loneliness that I had to deal with. I can accept that at times I still miss
him and want him, but it’s all good. I am now more aware and I know I wouldn’t react
compulsively as I used to. I have accepted where I am at the moment. For now, I
will just refocus on my Isha practices and allow my connection with the
Universe to grow again.
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