Finally letting go of need to be in control of my life...

Nov 9
Woke up at around 5 am, before alarm rang at 5.30 am. I changed the alarm as was too excited after my first communication with Z after an absence of nearly 2 months. By the time I slept was nearly 12 am. So, body need 5 hours sleep.

Did guru pooja, breathe watching followed by Shakti. This time I didn't rest, so the feet was numb towards the end. Then I did shambavi with focus on cat stretch. Doing it by separating left and right actually have something there. I also did subtle body visualisation that my head touches my knee during bending postures. And when I do the cat stretch, I push out my body to the front and I can feel a stretch at the end of my spine. I am stretching my spine.

Woke up and tot about outsource issue.
Strictly payroll processing.
We don't do staff admin like insurance nor medical. We don't monitor staff tax rate. We don't accompany staff to IRB.


Just msg to Z:
While I have complaints on our money values differences, I have always felt emotionally secure with u cos u r open. Even though we said no commitment, I always knew u r loyal to me.

Father, he has read it but no reply. I am not sure but I felt free. Even though we may not be together but I want to express how I felt throughout our rship. I don't believe in "friends with benefits". The last time I went in cos I wanted to break free physically. But now that I am free, I no longer need to compromise on what I want. A fully committed rship.

Now I finally understand my this week Osho card.

1. The Issue
The Master
The whole work of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and dis-identify urself from it. The every separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to a man. Now u can do and act on only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, gives u contentment, makes ur life a work of art, a beauty.

The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself - and this self mastery is reflected in his every gesture and his every word.

2. Internal Influence
Awareness
Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action.
The mind gives u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, u go on living - at the minimum. U don't live at the max.
Once u start dropping tots, the dust that u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. The face of a a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible.

Soul
Innocence. That's how I feel. I know I love Z. I know I am not going back to the past as friends with benefits. Now we r just friends. We may become a couple if he change his mind, if not we continue to be friends. I now know I am lovable. Him not able to commit to us is his issue, not mine. What I need to ensure is not to create a rship without commitment.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Fighting
An explosive temper or smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armour, we r preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
Its time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; u r worth it.

Soul
Yea. There is anger in me, hence my fat arms. Well, it is reducing in size. Alas I am acknowledging I am a woman, I bought Neubodi handmade underwear.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of the cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is urs. Just stop clinging to this cage, move out of the cage and the whole sky is urs. Open ur wings and fly across the sun like an eagle.

The dawn of a new understanding - that the cage has always been open and the sky has always been there for us to explore - can make us feel a little shaky at first. Its fine and natural to be shaky but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.

Soul
Yea, I finally breakthru and contacted Z as a friend. I tot it would be so impossible. But it was not. There is real care between us.

5. The Understanding
Traveling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going forward. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life, not reaching to some point, no goal - just dancing and being in the pilgrimage, moving joyously without a destination.

This card indicate a time of movement and change. It may be a physical movement from one place to the next, or an inner movement from one way of being to another. But whatever the case, this card promises that the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth; there is no need to struggle or plan too much.
It also reminds us to accept and embrace the new. This attitude of openness and acceptance invites new friends and experiences into our lives.

Soul
I don't know the future, if any, between Z and I. For now, we r friends and the future is unknown and I am fine. I no longer need to be in control. I am no longer feeling insecure. I am safe in not having to know what will happen.
I still love him but I am no longer attached to him.