Taurus North Node...me..

Nov 17 Eve
Father, finally bought my notebook hoversack bag. I like it and I think the values is ok. But somehow because I purchased it without any discount, I felt bit uneasy on whether I actually got a good deal.

What is it about me that need to buy things on discount. I used to buy clothes at 40 to 50% discount and then later adjourned to 20% the last 2 years and recently 10% and now alas 0%.  I guess I always wants things with values and since we were poor, I can only get more high value goods at a discount. But now that I am ok financially, I can have the high value goods without paying discount. But still whenever I buy without discount, I felt a sense of uneasy, I didn't get a good deal or I could have got a better deal if I wait.

I know most of my family members are on discount mode, especially my brother and second sister. We can afford to buy without discount but somehow our preference is to buy with discount.

Father, can you guide me on this. 
Taurus North Node by Jan Spiller
They tend to be secretive and only share with others selectively - telling them only what they want them to know. There is a separation, an aloofness, because they have a protective shell around them and are on 'high alert' at all times. They are afraid of letting someone in who might hurt and betray them that their guard is never down. They are calculating - even on the most minute level - what to do, how to do it, and what the results will be.
They are here to learn to just go with the flow and accept things at face value.

Soul
That's true. I am a Strategist, a Controlled person. I don't let my guard down.
I am considered Self-Centred. Father, it is time for me to look into my RA, over-reactive defense mechanism. I want to know I m SAFE.

Taurus in North Node
They create crises in their lives that could easily be avoided. On an unconscious level, they do this to demonstrate their power - like a person who starts a fire so they can run in and save someone.
Subconsciously, the native is trying to build self-worth by having others validate how powerful they are.
They are here to learn the value of choosing the path of "comfort and ease", over the path of crisis.

Soul
That's true. For more than 15 years I was always attracted to crisis company. Whenever things smoothen out, I will jump ship.  I knew I jumped ship because "overcoming crisis' validates me and gives me "valuation". I tot I was over it but the same thing happen when I joined new company, and I can also see the VP as someone who enjoy starting crisis and expect others to resolve them. He thinks this help others to grow. I was constantly kept on crisis mode. That's why I left, I don't want my life on crisis anymore. I no longer need validation from crisis.  So, now I m back to my old company with a 3 days week. 

Taurus North Node people
These people may also maintain a crisis environment by partnering with someone whose life is in constant crisis. This has the same effect of preventing intimacy because everyone is busy handling the crisis instead of relating to one another on a personal level.

Soul
Z is constantly busy. Creating new challenges to overcome and hence no time for me.
Apart from his own challenges, he also fulfills all his family obligation. I always seem to be the last on the priorities list.
I used to be Ok as my Ruling is Ace of Diamonds which made me create my own challenges and hence less time for him.
I tot he would finally rest but he then went to buy a new expensive car, which means he has to be more busy to earn the money to make monthly settlement.
And here I am on 3 days week so I have more time for him. But alas he still has no time for me.
I have changed but he has not.


Taurus North Node people
They can create drama as distraction from dealing with their own inner complexities. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust. In a crisis, they display their level of mistrust in negative tots:" This person is going to betray me .... That person is going to hurt me ...".

They create crisis in the outside world as a way to interact with their powerful unresolved emotions on a secondary level - outside themselves. Its like they are trying to learn how to deal with their internal feelings by creating external crisis that they can face and handle. Ultimately, the idea is for them to turn inward and deal directly with these intense issues, which include unresolved past life betrayals.
Lifetimes when they supported another who tricked them or betrayed them in some way has led to a seething inner rage and constant fear of unexpected betrayal - which is why they are so self-protective.


Soul
Whenever things doesn't turn my way, I would tend to think negatively of people trying to 'hurt me'. But the last 2 years, I am conscious of it.

Taurus North Node people
Past life regression therapy could be great for this people of this nodal group. By allowing memories from their subconscious to come to surface and be dealt with, they can release their many layers of inner tension.

Soul
Not sure of this. I think knowing of past life only complicates matters. Besides I think my mind is already shitty. By opening, I will just feed it more things to shit around. Best to handle what I know.
What I know is I can be negative and I am managing it.
What I know is I am fearful of life, I am over-protective of myself hence I become self-centred. My over-reactive defense mechanism flows into my body causing over-reactive auto immune system which resulted in disease named Rheumathoid Arthritis

Taurus North Node peoe
Due to unresolved past life issues of betrayal, these people also have a tough time forgiving. Others feel that if they wrong the native even once, that's the end. They just don't let things go.


Soul
True. Once a friend did something that hurt me, I tend to remember. But now I am learning to let go cos I knew its my own issue.
Just like with P. I used to like her a lot and tot she could be a confidante. But after that showdone at the volunteer meeting, my net is up. But I am slowly removing it cos I now understand her reaction.

Taurus North Node people.
This dynamic occurs because if this people trust someone and that person betrays them, it triggers a seething rage. It's a bottom line survival issue and they experience absolute terror and rage inside. They are afraid to let it out and keeping it under wraps means that they are in protection mode all the time. So they are very discriminating about who they allow to become close, and just how close they allow each person to be.

They r terrified of losing control and releasing intense destructive energy. 

Soul
Yea. That's me. When I did Asia work, I was judged to be a Control Freak. I controlled myself a lot, and it is on auto mode. I found the switch.
Perhaps that's why I am a 'noisy' meditator. When I let go, all my issues being released. Perhaps they r right, I got load of internal issues. I laughed, I cried and I danced and sing when I meditate. All forms of expression that is not common from me.

Taurus North Node
And since the rage is emanating from unresolved past life experiences, subsconsciously they believe that resolution or healing isn't possible.
But when they consciously channel that energy into building something they feel is worthwhile, the pressure can naturally express in a controlled manner. Then the native can direct that energy in ways that make them feel good about themselves. It's the difference between turning a faucet on full blast so it erodes the earth, or attaching a hose to it and using it to gently water a garden.

Soul
Father, yes. After so many years of searching and 4 years of meditation, my RA is still intact. And when I lost Z, I begin to lose hope on my inner path.
I tot I could not release it. But at least I now know I am fearful of life, Z is fearless of life. I am fearless in rship and Z is fearful. Like Pe said, I am egoless when it comes to rship.

My inner path and Isha practices is worthwhile. My blog is my outlet. My blog is the avenue. All my inner conflicts, my insights, my learnings can now be released. I need not wait for Editor or Programmers. I can now be immediate with my sharings.

I was surprised by msg from Z, finally one week later send pix of his car. I told him of my secret 'blog" and my plan to develop it further with my stories and abridged books.
 But I m not going to tell him my blog cos I need to keep my parameter from him.
 But I did thank him for "helping" me to open up. I told him of my insight that he is fearful of rship and I m similar, fearful of life.
He replied "no comment". So typical of him. I just respond with a smile and wish him good night.
Father, thank U. Alas I feel I can be 'friend' with Z. Amen.  I feel we have completed a cycle. I love him but I m fine now without being with him. I m now not so sure I am ready for a rship. I want to grow myself. I want to live. I want to open up my life and to really live out my Destiny as a Transforming agent. Amen.