Understanding Z's hold on me...

Nov 13 eve

Father, not sure. Just now received a junk mail from supposedly a secret admirer. Anyway, I didn't click cos I don't believe it and secondly I think it could be a spam.

Now editing the abridged book titled Expect a Miracle. The book is about meditating and praying for a good rship. I am not sure. I know that a rship is not my dream. I know a rship is not the answer.

Today I did 2 times shoonya and just now did samyama. I just had my dinner and coffee and dessert.

Father, thank to Sadhguru for sending me the message that it takes a certain intelligence to do sadhanas when life situation is fine.

I also have tots of Z. I was fine for 2 months or perhaps not so fine. Anyway, I know I am not going back.

Don't polish ur Ignorance - Sadhguru
This whole need to conquer comes from the fear of losing urself. The very need to conquer something or somebody has come to u because there is a deep fear of losing urself on many levels. Because u do not know how to handle that fear, u want to conquer people.

U want to conquer more and more things. U want to acquire more and more - wealth, people, power, relationship, etc. - because otherwise u feel inadequate. U feel so inadequate that u feel that the very way u r created is not enough. Without all the things that u have gathered around urself, u feel that u r not enough, that u are insufficient.

Soul
Yea...I guess its because I already lost my career and my leadership in Isha..and Z was what I hold on to. Alas...it was not to be...cos I too need to let go of him..
I love Z and I am afraid that I die with the love, I am afraid I can't love again. So, I hold on to him.
I was afraid to face my karma of feeling unloved, of being rejected. I wanted to avoid it. I wanted to prove to myself that I am lovable. I wanted to justify that my love for him is correct. I wanted to win.

Sadghuru
This inadequacy has come not because u r made that way. It has come because u have identified urself with little things, and when u look at the vastnness of the existence, u feel so small and lost. When ur whole identification fundamentally is rooted in this little bit of flesh that walks about on this planet, then naturally u feel very, very inadequate. So, u have to prove urself every moment of ur life. People around u have to praise u and tell u that u r special and constantly boost u all the time. Otherwise u feel lost.
If u have to identify urself with that which boosts u, identify urself with that which breaks u.