I am Self-Centred..and can be selfish too...

Nov 16 aft

Father, just now I was talking to a colleague about her child. She said she has to take emergency leave to take care of her child whose arm got broken. I said yes, responsibilities for children is never ending. That's why I was never keen for children. U cannot even sleep if u want to as u always got to put ur children first.

Then a tot occurred to me; why other women and men has no issue with having children. Why am I so resistant? Then it occurred to me, to have children requires giving ourselves and I cannot. I cannot give myself cos I am selfish. Then I tot I must be truly selfish if I cannot even give to my children.

Suddenly I tot of Z. I said he is selfish, only wants his way. He biding his time with me. Then I realised I am also selfish like him or perhaps the right word is self-centred.

Perhaps that was the lesson, 2 selfish persons in a rship. And it always seems to be me that have to give. I always have to give in to him. I know his will power is greater than me especially since he says he now doesn't listen to his heart or body..but to his mind.
True, he was patient with me and he cares for me. But he is adamant on how our rship goes.

Father, I am truly a selfish person. Perhaps that's why I resist in volunteering. Or maybe when I give, I give in a big way. So I got to be selective.

One of the main reason why I choose Z is because he is a diamond. He fulfills his obligations with a zeal. I knew that if I marry him, I will be cared for and he will take care of everything. But alas, since I am not his 'family' but his friend, he does not want any obligation with me. That's why I am pushing for his commitment, cos then I be at receiving end, unlike now I am not in his priority list.

Father, I am selfish. That's why I cannot understand why Sl can give so much to her fship with her boss. I cannot even give that much to Z.

Even my criticism of Z's spending. I don't want it to flow to me. I am selfish as I don't want to bear his debt.

Even the job at new company, I also don't want it cos it intrude into my personal time. I guard it selfishly.

Father, I got very narrow parameters. Just like P said I live in a narrow range of temperatures. I now can see I live in a controlled circle. I controlled my personal circle greatly. That's why I don't want a fast paced job, I don't want a partner that has debt, I don't want children and etc.

Why????