Suppressing my fear...is a learned behaviour from childhood

Nov 20
Father, thank U. I was tired yday night after so much tears. This morning body woke up around 4 am and I wake up at 4.30 am. This time less resistance. I did all my asanas, quite nimble. Was laughing a bit. Still not able to sense my subtle body.
Breathing meditation was deep and so I did longer.
Shakti and Shambavi good. I now love surka kriya. I am able to do it silently and once I am in, I can see violet flame.
Father, thank U.

Alas, I am getting nearer to the roots of RA, my over reactive defense mechanism. Now I can relate to this week Osho card

1. The Issue
Suppression
The danger of suppressing one's natural energy.
Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely. Don't wait for catastrophe to happen.

Soul
I am glad I was able to open up and release my hidden fears.
I think the door was opened when I decided to have my blog opened.

This morning I asked how was I able to suppress all my fears? Answer came; when I was 2 years old, I must have been fearful meeting new people everyday. But instead I projected a cheerful baby and everyone likes me.
I guess I must have learned to suppress my fear. "The show must go on".
(Nov 23 - I have learned that fear is not accepted...so I suppressed it.....it is the same as I have learned sadness/tears are not accepted and I suppressed it)

2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Clinging to the Past
Don't cling to the past ...because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no longer there, so u r crying for spilled milk. What gone is gone!

Soul
Well, leadership in Isha is gone; Z is gone too, career is gone. The old personality of fearless person is gone too. I am fearful person.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Morality
The Queen of Clouds lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable.

Our judgements applied to ourselves or to others keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within. Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.

Soul
I got this card last week under Internal Influence and also Day card last Sunday.
Yea, I guess I have judged people for their fear. Mom always said we cannot afford to be afraid. We must be strong. There is nothing to be afraid of.
I can now see the fear in me.
Today, my right elbow joints pain has reduced considerably. No longer so stiff.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Receptivity
Listening is one of basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity. Listening means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.

The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectation or demands. Neither duty, tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.

Soul
I am not sure. Suddenly I msg so many people. I even arranged a brunch with P. I missed her. I m ready to form friendship without Isha hanging.
I even able to msg C. My anger gone. She is just a four of Diamond, acting out of fear.

5. Resolution
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord.
Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful
Then it is simple. U don't depend on others and don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendship, a friendliness.

Soul
Amen.