I am defensive...

Nov 19
Father, I had a dream but I cannot remember as I was waken by alarm at 4.30 am. Body was fine but mind had resistant on suria. I know mind doesn't like it and infact ponder for me to skip. I just replied that I may not be able to ignore mind when it comes to Z, but at least I can ignore mind for suria. So, I just proceed to start my practices.

Suria was fine as I was giggling by 3rd cycle and this time I felt a bit of my subtle body and it feels good. Suria considered to be quite good. I easily reach 10th cycle and then proceed to complete the 12th cycle.

Shakti was fine. I am able to feel all the mudras during 4-2-5-2 breathing, silent surka kriya and followed by energetic kapala bhakti. My kaka kriya is fine too. Then proceed to shambavi, all the preparatory steps were good as I seem to be very nimble. Silent surka kriya followed by aum. But I was bit lost in tots of Z while doing aum chanting.

These day, just sit with head tilted and my head be shaking non-stop. Guess the energy comes up. Plough back was good today.

Eight Letter
For those of u who have not yet experienced the quality of life I have described as being urs by Divine Will, do not ask what is the matter with life or people or circumstances - or with u.

Look inside ur own tot processes, ur own attitudes towards life, generally, ur feeling towards other people and urself - and find out what kind of tots - and expectations - u regularly indulge in. These create a powerfully creative consciousness energy force which u r emitting throughout the day. It will attract to u exactly what u fear and expect.

Sometimes the negative creative consciousness form is deeply buried in ur sub-conscious, implanted there many years ago due to past life. In any event, if u have been subjected to consistently bad experiences, examine ur inner state of consciousness and find out what kind of negative expectations possess ur sub-conscious.  Discover, also, what are ur attitudes and feelings towards other people.

Soul
I seem to be cautious in my dealings with Isha team. I guess part of me tot they don't like me. Also part of me felt guilty for 'leaving' them last time but I know I can't help it. I m only sure I don't want to be the lead and I noticed that I m no longer considered the lead as my 'voice' is not 'heard'. While ego is dented, I am fine cos I knew being 'heard' comes with a price that I m not willing to pay.

I just realised I seem to think that "I am not liked" and I have to prove myself to be liked. This is contrary to what others think, they think I m likeable. Actually, the truth is I m not sure I m truly likeable for my true self or for what I can do. Whenever I don't want to do what others say, I felt they won't like me. While it didn't prevent me to do what I want, still I will be afraid of the repercussion eventhough I m willing to face it.

Father, I am a crab. I hide behind a hard shell, inside I m soft. I don't have a good opinion of others. Perhaps they r selfless and I m not. Or perhaps I judged them the way I am.