I am fearful and not fearless as I tot I am

Nov 24

Father, I find sleeping with the salt lamp is more restful, I woke up energized. I put alarm back to 7.30 am.
Did my usual guru pooja, followed by shakti and shambavi. Breathing with mudra was good. Surka kriya was slightly difficult at first but was fine moments later. I went in deep and see violet flames.

Swim was ok today. I managed to practice breast strokes and water threading. At first I tot I missed swimming today cos it was raining heavily but it stopped minutes before 9.30am, so I quickly changed and drive out. I did good in free style and quite ok with breaststroke.

Father, while I was typing the journal, I tot it is good for me, it slowed down my mind. Previously I can type fast, so no stopping the mind. But now I need to slow down my mind cos I can't type fast.

Had a good session with P. We shared our feelings for past few months. I m glad that we finally got together. She started her questions since primary school and finally able to embark on her path after university. She been through many tools and Isha practices was the one she continues. She also into philosophy of Veda. She turns out to be a real pro.

Father, when I talked to her I become aware of how much I sought validation from people. For a moment, I tot I must be crazy to think she looked to me. She is way above me in her search. I m nowhere near her. Then I suddenly tot why do I need P or people's to look up to me???

 If people approved of me, I am fine. Father, on the surface I seems not bothered but actually I do. Yea, me volunteering is due to people. That's why it is a burden cos I m not doing it for me. When I finally break down and pull out, I felt a sense of relief. What bothered me was how others view me. Whether they will reject me because I bailed out.

Father, I who tot I m fearless, is actually fearful. I who tot I don't care for other people's opinions is actually very bothered. Its just like when I had a difference of opinions with Z, I will go back to explain or justify my response so that he understands, so that he won't feel hurt, so that he won't rejects me.

Father, everything is truly not what it seems.  Now I know why I attract fearful friends, friends who are affected by other's opinions, who can't take actions because of their fears and concern about people's reaction. I used to judge them and I got angry with them for not overcoming their fears and concerns. Alas I am one of them.

Now I know why I m perceived to be egoless with Z. I gave in to him cos I sought his approvals, I sought his love and attention. I was afraid of rejection. Alas, I m ready to face my fears. I m fine, the past is gone. The new me can face it. Amen.