Accept Myself in aloneness

Nov 2
Wake up at 7 am to do my practices. Body feeling not so great. But I did 12 cycles of suria, not able to feel the subtle body but now two feet is touching totally during mountain asana. Shakti was fine especially kapala bhakti. Shambavi was good especially fluttering.

Just went for veg meal. Now back to do my work. Father, I am bit disappointed with myself. Why endless pre-occupation with Z? I used to drop people quite fast. Really yo yo.

Checked on my rship with Z on Osho tarot
1. Me - Creativity
Be open to whatever wants to be expressed through u. True creativity arises from a union with the divine, with the mystical and the unknowable. Then it is both a joy for the creator and a blessing to others.

Soul - yea, m now focused on my yoga practices and website.

2. Z - Healing
U carry ur wound. With the ego, ur whole being is a wound. And u carry it around. Nobody is interested in hurting u.

Soul - true for him too.

3. Composite energy
Abundance
To be the whole person. One who can drink wine, dance on the beach and sing in the train and at the same time enjoy the depths.
If u r a woman, King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within. For a man, this card represents a time of breaking through the conventional male stereotypes and allowing the fullness of the whole human being to shine forth.

4. The Insight
Completion
In the finishing we can either be in despair because we don't want the situation to come to an end or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and beginnings.
Whatever has been absorbing ur time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, u will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.

Soul
Exactly my tots. Decision to let go of Z and focus on yoga and writing is reaffirmed.

Was browsing my blog and saw this journal in Sept 7, 2009
Osho
If u accept urself. Then there is nothing else to do but to enjoy, to celebrate. Then joy is good and sadness is good. Then to be with ur beloved is good and to be alone is good. Then whatsoever happens is good because it happens out of God.

But u have been conditioned for centuries not to accept urself - to improve urself. They all create anxiety in u. Anxiety is the tense state between that which u r and that which u should be.

Soul
Ya, let me accept my aloneness. If I m not able to, then even if I am with Z, I can't accept him to.

When u stop improving urself, Life improves u. In that relaxation, in that acceptance, life starts caressing u, life starts flowing through u. And when u don't have any grudge, no complaint, u bloom, u flower.
Accept urself - that is gratitude. Relax into ur being. In no other way did he want u to be, otherwise he would mad u somebody else.

Soul
Amen. Father, U always delivered.