Facing my fears...the old me is gone

Nov 19 eve

Father, I just finished my shoonya and samyama meditation. Towards the end of samyama, I cry non-stop. So much tears and my eyes are swollen. I cannot recalled the last time I cried so much. Normally I cried only during meditation. I am feeling better now. I was feeling all the fears in me. I can see I am a fearful person. I am not fearless like what I tot and others tot the same too. I controlled and suppressed my fear and become fearless outside. But inside the fear is within.

Father, let this year for me to acknowledge and face my fear. I am not the courageous person I tot I am.

Father, thanks for this.

Today, also received news of downsizing of my dept. But I am not afraid cos I can cut down from 3 days to 2 days work if necessary. I will have to terminate the FM and retain back original team, albeit cut to my salary. I am fine.

Today I also asked BE about English course that she took. She said she has some books that she can pass to me.

Father, I don't know where I am going. I just know I can no longer be the old me. I cannot carry on being the old me. I am not sure what the new me will be. But I just walked and hope things will be fine.

At the very least, I am feeling all of me, especially the sadness, the fear and etc. All the things that I hide from myself and others. I am crying so much when I write this. It has been awhile since I can cry openly. Amen.