Navaratri Sadhana, finally unmasked my image as thinker

Sept 25 eve
Navaratri Sadhana

Received the message that I will get my money. Can see the tone very professional. I suddenly realised that my inability to convey my dissatisfaction directly also hurt the other person. I send her an apology message for not informing her directly.
Just like if I was misunderstood, I prefer to be informed directly rather than to be mouthpiece by others. Alas I understand it is not personal. The other party is unable to share with me directly due to many reasons. It may be due to them. Just as this case its more due to my own inability as I want to appear nice, to retain the validation, to look good.

Start Navaratri Sadhana struti chanting. It just came naturally as if I am in Linga's temple. Then tears dropped profusely. Tears for myself, tears for not allowing myself to feel all these years.

With my sensitivity, no wonder I crumbled at the abusive messages from L. I was hurt by the accusation from S. I was hurt by P.

Me, a feeler masquerading as thinker.

Alas my tears now can fall freely. No wonder my nose is generally blocked. They said due to suppressed tears. It is really true.

I cry for a long time. Tears just flow profusely. For the first time in my life, tears flow without stopping in few seconds. Alas my tears can now flow.
At first there was tears of grieve for all the years of suppression. Then tears of gratitude. Tears of feeling overwhelming love. On and on tears continue.
I feel so much love from Devi and Sadhguru..feel my heart opening.
Kailash and lake Manasoravar has open me up. Finally I can cry like a normal person. I can feel like a normal person. I am a Feeler.

Today's card is so true.

The Nine of Clubs

The Nine of Clubs literally means 'completion of plans or ideas'. When this card appears it will signal a time when some ideas, ways of thinking or communicating, or some personal plans of yours are ready to end. If you choose to resist this ending, you will experience great disappointment, stubbornly holding on to things, ideas or plans that are no longer useful or helpful to you. If it seems that things are going against you when this card is present, it is probably because you are resisting letting go of something, that in reality, is no longer doing you any good.

On the positive side, you are ready to awaken to a new and higher way of thinking that will be better than you have imagined. The Nine of Clubs has been known to signal a time when powerful spiritual experiences may occur, such as universal consciousness, and also indicates the success of any endeavors that involve spreading higher truths to the world.

Soul
Feel I am re-born.
Finally drop my mask of a Thinker becomning a Feeler, which is what I truly am.
This is a true awakening. Alas transformed into my real self.