Not going back to old drama of seeking validation

Sept 12

Woke up upon alarm at 7 am. Tot of the possibility in sister company, the one that I left two years ago, just before final break up with Z.
While the tot of new task, new people and glamour excite me, I knew that in the end, I just want to overcome the challenge and then be at ease. Ultimately what I want is to be at ease, to be in semi-retirement. Time for my sadhana, time for writing and etc.
I know that working with E, while exciting, can be very challenging and he won't let me ease. I can't have what I want.
So, I m staying back, not going into drama.
These days while I know that things that happen are meant to happen; I also know that we attract the same situation for us to choose again. We continue to attract it until there is no more uncertainty.
So, I am glad that my proposal to Regional allows situation to be status quo.

Today practices was awesome.
i was surprised that Angamardhana is good. For child posture, I was singing and dancing.
Bending forward is quite an ease. Knee pains and elbow pain reduced much'
Surya Kriya was good, both feet able to touch ground for the four mountain pose.
Shakti was good despite abridged, no Kapala Bhakti due to menses.
I was singing loads; continue till cat stretch.
Shambavi..i was singing for a long period.

I checked with A, he too faced bigger experience than norm.

Yesterday, L told me that one of the lead volunteer pullling out.
For J, I am not surprised. She was never into Isha's tools. Don't even do any practices at all. She is just into working. She is Queen of spades.

As expected P doesn't want me to come in. She wants me to be real sure. She once told
Guess I have to realised how much I have affected others in my mode of resentment. She doesn't want me to affect the team anymore. Besides, they now working very well together;
So, now the whole team said nope to me coming back.

The inner child said its sad that everyone doesn't want me back. That I need to prove myself for volunteering..others don't ahve to.The validation going down hill. After all my hardwork done, and all people can only remember my resentment. Can feel the small child of feeling unwanted creeping in. But I m glad I am able to express myself. I don't want to feel 'bad' for expressing my resentment. Actually, the fact it was called 'resentment' is that I suppressed my anger.

Mmmm, can see the tots ticking..the emotion of being unwanted has passed.
Yes, remember I don't like the 'marriage'.
Maybe its good I got the 'divorce' now; just remnants of my "Two of Diamonds".

Lesson learned; never suppress my feeling as it will come out negatively..
So, just learn to be expressive.
While I am bit sad, but it be okay as I know I don't want the marriage; its just the loss of validation.
This time it wasn't easy for me to leave but P did help to pave the way for me; excluding me from all details on volunteering. I was 'cut off' effectively and now the msg is I can't come back until I have proven myself. No, I don't want to prove myself. Just as I said no to going back to holding role in sister company, the one I quit. I said nope to this too.
I have no plans to go back. Yesterday when L asked to hold back up phone I said yes because it was back up. But I did wonder if I will need to be there for IK session and etc which I am not keen. Anyway, looks like decision already made.

Today card is apt.
King of Clubs.

Also this year Result Nine of Clubs; truly can't go back to 'hide' or to seek validation anymore.

The local Isha group is saying no and can imagine P saying no more to my 'nonsense' :)
Yes, instead of feeling like a 'unwanted child'; I can see that others too have 'unwanted child'; they no longer wants me to 'abandon' them again.

My Daily Card
The King of Clubs

The King of Clubs is the highest card in the suit of knowledge. It bestows mastery and success in any of the communications fields, but especially in situations where we are able and willing to take a leadership position or assume responsibility. Remember that every King has a kingdom. If you are involved in one of the communications related fields and are willing to stand up and take charge, there is no better card to indicate your success.

The King of Clubs is highly intuitive, can make fine mental distinctions, and will never do anything to compromise his or her integrity or inner truth. Keep these qualities in mind whenever this powerful card appears in your reading.

Soul
Yes, I expressed myself well.
I already expect P to said nope to me doing back end volunteering.
I able to tell L no;
On the Sathsang correction, they excluded me too..that one I was fine cos I am not keen to do correction. I don't find fulfilment, I prefer to do my own Shambavi.