Sept 23
Woke up after an hour sleep. Can't remember why. Luckily heard the next garden gate closing so I know its midnight and I went back to sleep.
Woke up later upon alarm at 3.55 am. This time didn't jump out of bed. Just stretch and then get up to switch off the alarm.
Did Bhuta Shuddhi followed by cat stretch. Angamardhana was good. Hero posture in contentment, hardly any pain. Forgot to do Dhyna today. Surya kriya is okay with only there mountain pose with both feet on the ground.
Breathing meditation was lovely. I sat a longer period.
Shakti is good. No singing but just deep.
Shambavi was good too. Towards the end such sweet contentment. Felt so much gratitude for the grace to receive and experience the sweetness. Tears fall and I thanked Sadhguru and all the masters.
Mmm, now it occurred to me why no response from P. It was because I don't represent the private hata yoga center. Also I am no longer in the core team and hence can't give direction. In my enthusiasm I cross the border. Just have to remember that the gate is closed and I truly didn't want to enter. Sometimes old habits die hard. I am now just one the regular meditator, my wish fulfilled.
Father, now that my sensitivity is not used personally, the constant feeling of being hurt by others is slowly diminishing.
Now I remember. Others are not here to hurt u, they are busy defending their own hurt.
Only by being conscious of my sensitivity that I can be empathetic.
Venus in Leo
Unconscious
Seeking the approval of others in social situation.
Soul
Double whammy. My moon in Taurus said the nurturing I need to feel emotionally satisfied comes through spending time with peers that are geared towards humanitarian goals. So I like being in Local Isha family. But with my Venus of seeking approval in such volunteering environment I am doomed to be hurt and disappointed, resulting in resentment especially since I don't enjoy the work.
That's why volunteering is an end itself. P is not affected by others approval. She does do what she thinks right. Again I used to 'admire' the guts of those people that can go through life knowing that they are not likeable. I wonder how they live.
Now I know they live because they don't live by approval from others, they only do self approval.
Venus in Leo
Unconscious
The fear of disapproval holds back ur ability to spread sunshine and light. There is a tendency
If you indulge in the fear that others may hold back their love, ignore u, or judge u harshly, u experience a lack of social ease.
Social isolation and powerlessness ensue when u interpret others' reaction as a personal rejection.
Soul
No wonder I was so affected by L's abusive messages. It is because I sought approval. Not only I don't get approval for all my hard work that I didn't enjoy, I get unfair scolding instead. Me being a Sathsang guide is a huge sacrifice to me and here I m being scolded. That's why I quit.
Being local lead also got loads of responsibility, doing things I don't like, taking my personal time of comfort and enjoyment and yet only receive disapproval. That's why not my cup of tea.
Father, truly double whammy. Searching for approval in an environment that can't give.
Then there my samadhi path. For years I used to lament why I m not on awareness path. In samadhi path, my joy in expression of laughter, dancing, clapping is frowned upon. I am normally asked to 'stop' cos I m disturbing others on silent awareness. Some even called me noisy meditator, some call me crazy meditator. Some called me indecent in Lake Manasoravar.
Only in last Nov 2013 Samyama sadhana that I accepted my sannidhi path. Sadhguru said it is better to be drunk in this journey. Then can go far. In Manasoravar, Sadhguru said the Gnanas with Shiva; they are always drunk and laughing uncontrollably or indecently.
Kailash and Manasoravar affirmed my samadhi path. Swami affirmed it too.
That's why when the local Sathsang guide said I m not doing the normal Shambavi I am able to waive him off. No more comparison. I am me.
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