Deflation mode prevents me from transforming (4)

Nov 30

Father, started yday dinner on fruits. Will do so today. Tomorrow onward is on leave for both kriya and food.

(Dec 20 - didnt happen. I only reduced dinner whenever I have a big lunch with CEO)
(Jan 7 - at the moment, I cannot do it. Anyway, at least this bring me into emphaty on why people with migraine pain but still unwilling to do meditation. Same issue..unwillingness to pay the price for something that is uncertain. Or even if certain, I am not sure I want to do it. Cos the loss of pleasure in eating is more painful than bearing the RA pain)

Osho
1. The Issue
The dream.
We come alone into this world, we go alone. All togetherness is illusory. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship - that's why we become so much involved in love. The same goes for money and power.
No one and no thing can deliver ur happiness on a platter - even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner riches and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.

Soul
I admit part of me still want. And I guess that's the reason for attachment to romantic korean drama. But another part of me is also afraid, don't want to go thru my drama. So, difficult lah. Same reason why CEO couldn't sell her house.
This mornin, tot that both shows message is about deleting ur past and not letting it affect ur present and future.
Perhaps, part of me still feeling unloved. I have gained some weight. At first tot it was the aryudic medicine from Isha, but I dismissed it because I trust Sadhguru. So, its just me gaining weight.

This morning, asana was effortless except for the sitting pose. Breathing was fine but Shambavi not so great.

(Jan 7, I now know that the fear of rejection is because I take it personally. I am learning to detached myself from the drama. And, I want to focus on growing love for myself. I believe that in time, the one who wants love will come to me. It is still a belief, but at least the fear of rejection is being corrected. Amen)


2. Internal influence that u r unaware
The Outsider
Be a woman - stand on ur own feet. The only way to be connected with existence is to go inwards, because there at the center u r still connected.
You have an opportunity now to stop the tape of Past, to quit tormenting yourselves with ideas that u r somehow not enough to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the past. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.

Soul
Guess this is a reminder to let go my illusion that I was not lovable. I am.

(Dec 20 - I think this is how Deflation mode arise. Since I think I am unlovable, I cannot further erode my value by doing things I perceive as low value or risk of failure. So, I guess its just have to be me, confident of myself and opening up to whatever come my way!)



3. External influence u r aware.
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change.

Soul
Yday at meeting, I told them that I don't agree that savings should be used for increment. Aiyah, let's do for my team. No need be so conscientious.

(Dec 20 - yeap, the Deflation mode. It is based on past knowledge and will prevent us from responding in the pressent)

4. What is needed for resolution?
Transformation
Zen is for those daring souls who can drop all belief, unbelief, doubt, reason, mind and simply enter into their pure existence without boundaries. But it bring a tremendous transformation.
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes u from one dimension into another.
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity". There is nothing more u can do.

Soul
Wonder abt food thingy. Yday, without any drama. I just proceed to eat fruits for dinner.

5. The resolution
Sharing
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
You will have an opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and ur laughter. And in sharing, u find that u feel even more full.

Soul
Tot of me, Queen of Diamond - philanthropist. My website will be ready in January 2011. A platform for my creative expression. Amen.

Osho
Rebel - freedom of ur individuality from ur own past, from ur own religion, from ur own nation. Meditation will help u make an individual.
You are the priority. Get to ur roots, find urself, become a rebel and create as many rebels as possible. That's the only u can help future mankind creates a golden future.

You cannot transform urself by being angry about ur past. If u remain angry, then the past will continue to dominate u and it will remain ur focus, which is attachment. Or u may switch to the other extreme, but u still will be attached to the past. Beware of it! Watch it. Seeing for urself that u r repeating a program that has been given to u, that u r just playing a tape in ur head, u will stop. Then the program will disappear, it will leave u without any trace.

So, there is no fight. U just have to be a witness. And witnessing is ur original face, the one who witnesses is ur real consciousness. That which is witnessed is conditioning. The one who witnesses is the transcendental source of ur being.