A possible start or is it my mental compulsion (2)

Dec 13
Woke up with this tot;
He wasn't interested in me. He was just making small talk. In my past compulsive mode, I automatically assumed an interest. When there is no follow thru, I interpreted it as rejection. In fact there was no hook up in the first place. That's show how much I desperately wanted a partner.
Father, it was I who set up the feeling of rejection when there was none. No one rejected me. I have wrongly misinterpreted a hook up out of desperation or perhaps out of my own mode. I only probe when I am keen. Whereas these are the ways guys make small talk.

(Jan 16 - Ego really pulls me down. So, what if I aim high and hope for possibilities :( Like Sadhguru says, the suffering is the same whether you fail at the low scale of the ladder or the high ladder. So, might as well select the higher ladder.
Anyway, a month later, the interest is still there. We got bit closer and my meet in private in future. I am looking forward to the meet up but neither am I waiting for it. My love life is effortless, whether I have a partner or not, I am loving myself)

Suria was lovely this morning. Breathing and shambavi is fine. Guess its a flow of yday energy.
Father, I do have compulsive tot on getting a partner. I am not even finding or etc. If a guy just displayed some small talk, I start to have tot if they fulfill at least the money part. And it becomes compulsive, if they are smart. Mmm, how come the loving part comes last. I recalled years ago, I said that if I like a guy, he doesn't even have to initiate. Looks like its true, problem is I may not even be attracted also. Father, such desperation, such lack. Let me fill it up myself. Today, I want to release this.
A tot came, because I didn't expect the guy to do any romantic gesture, I don't do it for them either. This was typical of INTP.
I also judged myself. I am seldom attracted to guy before I start to have compulsive. Nope. I was attracted to Tamil teacher and P for their loving gestures. For E, it also came as after tot as they fulfilled all d requirements I wanted.
Father, I want to release this past. Not sure how

(Jan 15 - Stop feeling guilty that you want a partner and also stop trying to control yourself cos otherwise it is self-jeopardy)

Deliberate Intent
You understand that expansion is the natural result of your focus into contrast, because u know that the contrast will cause you to ask.
You know that when u ask, it is always given; therefore u have no desire to avoid contrast, because u understand the focusing power of contrast.

Soul
Something here, but am not sure. It seems to indicate that's its ok u r facing situation not to ur liking, cos u will then find and ask for what u like.

Deliberate Intent
Your emotion tell us everything u need to know about the rship between the physical u and the Non-Physical U.
When the physical u is aligned with the Non-Physical U, u will feel eagerness, passion, love, appreciation, clarity, vitality and enthusiasm, which is ur natural state of being.
As u pay attention to ur emotions, u literally feel ur way to ur vibrational alignment with Ur Source.

Soul
Tot of my Insight on getting to know ur pace, so everything u r doing is effortless.

Deliberate Intent
When ur not vibrationally aligned with ur Non-Physical Inner Being, there would be a feeling of void, that u will seeks a variety of ways to fill up, like seeking approval, changing urself, working hard to excel to meet approval and etc.

Soul
Yea, something was missing for me to have compulsion on love and money. Coincidentally, that's my planetary ruling, Ace of Diamond card

Deliberate Intent.
Nothing is more important than the vibrational alignment or maintenance of the continuum, between u and U, for ur every moment, is impacted by ur Connection or lack of Connection to ur Inner Being.
Once u understand who-u-really-are and u consciously work to achieve and maintain ur vibrational alignment with who-u-really-are, everything else in ur life will fall into wonderful alignment.
However, if u do not tend to that Connection, nothing that u can do will fill the void or take the place of the alignment.

Soul
Isn't this similar to my Insight of knowing ur Destiny and ur own life's pace, and ur life would be happy and effortless.

Deliberate Intent
To have conscious awareness of the value of ur alignment, and to understand how to achieve it and how to maintain it, is the optimal life experience. We call that Deliberate Creation.

Soul
Father, Thank U.