I am transforming (4)

Dec 28

Father, this morning breathing awareness. I wasn't sleepy, just conscious. Tots came in but I ignored them, even the pleasurable ones.

Yday, the scene of two guys fighting over one gal caught my eye. Guess the feeling of envious is there. But I immediately corrected my tot. 1st tot I willingly accept my singlehood. 2nd tot is I too can have the opportunity since I am the same type as the gal. Father, now I can openly admit my wants for a partner without feeling judgemental. And on the other hand, I enjoy being single too.

Yesterday samyama, there was one session that I was in deep and I found myself trembling. Guess that's when I become the process.

Osho
Mind is the illusion, that which is not but appears to be and appears to be so much that u think u r the mind. Mind is maya, mind is just a dream, mind is just a projection,... A soap bubble floating on a river. The sun is just rising, the rays penetrate the bubble; a rainbow is created and nothing is there in it. When u touch the bubble it is broken and everything disappears - the rainbow, the beauty .... Nothing is left.
Your mind is just a bubble wall - inside, ur emptiness. Prick it and the mind disappears.

Soul
Exactly. This morning I had a pleasure tot and it then extrapolate to me being the character. I tot I am single now, so why project there. Then the tots stop and change into another one. Father, I have been able to nip and not follow worrying tots. But on the pleasures ones, I was still hooked and dream together. I already know all the tots just burden me. Will practice on nipping pleasurable ones, especially if no substance.

Osho
Mind can never be silent. Mind means the turmoil, the illness, the disease, mind means the tense, the anguished state. When there is silence, there is no mind. When mind is there, silence is no more. Just like when health is there, disease disappears. Silence is the inner health; mind is the inner disease, inner disturbance.

Soul
Tot of RA. I will work on being healthy. Since RA is from stress of worrying tots. I will learn to distance mind so little will flow thru.

Osho
Mind is just a process of thinking. It is not a substance. The mind is just like a crowd; thoughts are the individuals. And becos thoughts are there continuously, u think the process is substantial. Drop each individual tot and finally nothing is left.
There is no mind as such, only thinking.
Eg. There is no crowd if there is no gathering of individuals.

The tots are moving so fast that between two tots u cannot see the interval. But the interval is always there. The interval is u.

Between two thoughts, drop into it. The inner sky is always there. Look into it and suddenly u will realise that u r in no-mind.

Soul
Same msg with my cards, No-thingness.

Osho
The mind can exist only if u keep seeking something. Why? Seeking is a desire, seeking is moving into the future, seeking creates dreams. Seeking is the problem, not what u r seeking.
The object is never the problem, any object will do. The mind can hang on to any object. Any excuse is enough for it to exist.

Soul
Whenever I watched romantic korean drama, I am triggered and tots will extrapolate in my mind due to my Seeking. Because I desire a partner, I seek such tots and when it happen, I project it further.

When worrying tots came on flea market. I weigh the concern and ignore it, but it still come in. Alas, I realised its becos I wanted to look good and worried things may happen to make me look bad. I then declare that I don't mind looking bad and the worrying tots stops.
Like this morning, the romantic projection continues and I declare I am now in singlehood and the projection is not real and the tots stops.

Father, thank U. 2 remaining books (back in Coimbator's airport bookshop) and it was meant for me. Amen.