Facing my karma in relationship (6)

Jan 9
Father, did the sathsang guide. Once I overcome my resistance this afternoon and accept my path as Isha Promoter, keeping Isha alive, I became my confident self.

Sathsang went very well for the first time. Surprisingly, I was not even bothered about the hiccup of video.
Received lots of compliment, but I gave the kudos to Ra and Initiation energy.
I was surprised to see that lots of old timers doing mistakes.
I didn't correct the mistakes done by M and M, the previous sathsang leaders as I didn't want to make them feel bad. But the surprising thing was they didn't tell me how I fare in the sathsang, which is a good thing. I wonder if its me ego working overtime, but I have felt both of them trying to take me down a peg or two due to feeling of envy.
Actually, I wonder if lady M feels sad that just when she quit, there is a new satshang platform.
For me, as usual, my journey in Isha is effortless, even now as sathsang guide. The new platform suits me well as I don't like to teach but I like to share and promote Isha. And that's the only section that I have to do. Sadhguru, u r great. Father, too.

On the wearing of kurta, I found myself having loads of resistance. Started off with I didn't want Isha to be identified with Indian, racism issue and alas my family. I can felt my resistance coming up and tot of rebel arise, I don't want to do sathang if they force me to wear kurta.
But when teacher says I represent Isha, I quiet down and note that she does have a point. But still resistance continue, it became like a sore point, writing off the earlier relief that the job was done and I felt fine. Actually, I cannot even say I did a good job, cos I felt I didn't do anything. But I did enjoy myself.

Then after dinner on the way back, my mind was still churning on the kurta, thinking of what my family will say, then a tot came, it is me, I too have racism issue. So, since its my own resistance, I will wear the kurta.
Then a tot came in, so much drama over a little thing on white kurta. Yeap, that's me. Big things going well and I sweat over small stuff.
With that, whole thing on kurta went off. But I want to buy a good quality kurta, that is not so Indian looking and tot of British India style.

(Jan 30 - The AP teacher said no need. So, I drop it. All the dramas and when I finally said yes, it is not necessary.)

Today, when I came back for Sathsang training, I saw Z. I try to ignore him but he came running. He asked me why I go missing in action as he was looking for me. Then I did my sathsang training, he was observing me and he told me that I look good in white. I told him that everyone looks good in white. He says that's not true, he says people like me who reflect purity looks good in white. He then continued to ask about my swimming. He told me he can't swim and I guess he wanted to join me. I recommended him to join swimming lesson. Then I told him that in my early thirties I start to swim (part of me was hesitant, guess I didn't want to reveal my age). Surprisingly, he emphasised his age. Then I did my quiet time pre-sathsang, he was observing me throughout the process.
After sathsang, he asked if we going for dinner and he told me that the other day, he can't join me becos he already left. I think he wants me to know that he would like to join me.
During dinner, they joke about him being a boyfriend to another gal, surprisingly I found there is slight twitch to me as if I was disappointed that he is not my boyfriend instead.
At the same time, they teased me to tackle another guy, a DJ to ensure he stay in Isha. I saw him looking bit different too. Perhaps he felt the slight twitch too.
I tot of me hugging him. I guess it would not be the same friendly hug I gave to the rest. I can already sense the physical heat when we r close to each other. I wonder what the hug would be like.
Actually, both of us gravitate towards each other. Tot of my new-found belief, my love life is effortless. Its funny, he has joined IE since Feb this year and we never had any connection. Then just 1 month ago, I broke through my barrier of joining them for after sathsang dinner and we started from there. And later the volunteer to market IE, he drove me from office, we got to know each other. He shared about his divorce and I shared with him my article, which he thinks is good. He says I write very well, can be a journalist. Actually, he thinks m great in everything. Guess this is classic case that all male become Jacks when they are pursuing the gal.

Father, after sathsang so much energy. I enjoyed it. Thank U. U have made the sathsang guide effortless. All my drama a year ago is nothing. And now even new platform. Everything in my life is effortless. Work, Isha, friends and love life.

Father, I felt such love for me. My heart is filled up. Just yesterday, now my prayer of thanks include my Self.

Thinking back on A and P back in 1999. Actually, I had more physical heat with P, but I was hooked on A because of the mental stimulation. At that time, P was attracted to me. He too was funny like Z, always says kookoo things to me and I enjoyed his company cos we are easy-going with each other, just be ourselves, except when he said he wanted more.

Alas, I finally realise I don't need mental stimulation, m smart on my own. I just want someone to love me and share my coffee and dessert, to enjoy our common interest together. Z fits the bill. Even more ironic, not sure if I am pushing it. But before he showed up, I told Universe that I am not aiming for very rich guy, I m fine with a guy driving an Honda Accord and he drives one. Who knows.