Insecurity creates defense mechanism and resulting in self-sabotage (2)

Jan 17 Eve

Father, I can sense me running away from love life. Z just called and I am running away.
Anyway, I plucked my courage and call him back. He will learn to swim and he wants to scuba dive. I told him that I am keen. So, just talked to him as a friend, as a more experienced meditator.

He asked for a meetup. I didn't answer him. Part of me just want to waive it off and says that he can me meet after his meeting at my office. Guess that's make it like a friendly appointment instead of like a date. Part of me don't want to hope and be disappointed.
I even told him that I am not healthy and I have auto immune disorder that attacks my joints.

I was even open with him saying he should go to his little black book to get his physical release. And I told him that its so soon after his divorce and he need time to recover. He replied that it has been nearly one year. Guess that's telling me he felt he has recover. But I was unwilling to give myself hope. Don't want to have anymore mental compulsion.

(Feb 1 - After 2 weeks, I finally plucked my courage and asked him out. 2 days later even did my confession. I am on a fast track program. Mmm..did I do wrong.. Nope..its fine.)

But the part that is great is that I can now do scuba diving. I wished for it. Father, my wish is coming true fast.
Just now watching the korean drama, suddenly I am not that keen at it. I realised that I could have spent the 2 hours doing my writings instead.
Yeap, that's it. I haven't been giving constant attention to it. It has just been a sidelined.

(Feb 1 - I have been doing my writings daily)

The Passion Test
When we saw a person who had something we wanted, we needed to move beyond envy or resentment. Instead, we should just tell ourselves, "That's for me!".