Exit from Isha - final mail to teacher

Apr 11
Father, I woke up 5.20 am to do my practices. I was done about 7.40 am. 2 hours and 10 min cos I didn't rest during shavasana. I was laughing again during aum chanting. I am back to my joyful self.

1. The Issue
Sorrow
The pain is not to make u sad, remember. That's where people go on missing. The pain is to make u more alert. And when u r alert, misery disappears.

Soul
I was sad when I was still in core team of Isha. I am going to take a break. Like P said I was entangled. While I was not entangled with the program, the place or Sadhguru, I was entangled with the people. I was heartbroken that such a good spiritual practice can be made into such mockery. And people allow it to be continued and used Sadhguru's name in vain. That's not what I wanted. So, to me promoting Isha further will only bring its downfall and gave spirituality a bad name. For what I gave up my time and passion for writing, to have this. The price to pay is not worth it at all. And I was held back by friendship and they too betrayed me. On one hand, we said we stick together but then both individually replied and kow tow to her. And to further compound it, they are completely floored by the new teacher and now said that they r now clear on their objective of volunteering and it was me that have to analyse myself. The last part was when C told me in the end that she couldn't do sathsang. That's when I knew that I had to make the break, otherwise I will continue to pay price for something that I no longer believe in. The value is no longer there.

Apr 11 Aft
Father, I purged again. One of these days, I will avoid the food. I think it could be the crayfish but it taste great. First time I ate it.

Teacher send me a mail on Giver or Taker, which do u think is more happy. My first reaction was piss off. Two hours later I tot this be a good opportunity to do a good exit. I told her I was in a dilemma and felt guilty but I am over it as Sadhguru's msg was for me to be myself, whatever it may be. So, if I am taker, so be it.

And now that guilt is gone, I even tot the leave of me and M could actually represent the two crane that the young teacher has to remove. I finally can leave with peace.

Freedom by Osho
What exactly is the innermost substance of freedom? - that u r free from the past, that u r free from the future.
U do not have memories binding u with the past, dragging u always backwards - that is against existence; nothing goes backward. And ur freedom comes also from imagination, desire, longing - they drag u towards the future.
Neither the past exists nor the future exists. All that u have in ur hands is the present. And one who lives in the present, unburdened of past and future, knows the taste of freedom. These are the real chains which bind ur soul and never allow u to live the moment that is yours.

Soul
What a coincidence! Same msg as this week Osho card.