Life is full of endings and beginnings

May 2

Father, I woke up at 4 am to do my practices. Not that flexible but I was laughing despite my reluctance. Had a doze after hata. Was bit affected by tots of office and in the end I decided to let go of old company. I need not be worried about how others view me.

Z said I now called him everyday. So, I immediately told him I will hang up but he didn't want to let go. He continued to chat with me and made me laugh and I then ease off. I admit I am no longer that defensive. Recently he is on prowling mode again, trying to establish how deep my feelings for him. I remember he asked me if I love him and I didn't reply. He repeated and said he wanted a response and I still didn't reply. I guess he wants to know where I am so he can make decision on where we go. For me, the decision he made should be dependent on him and not me.

On Isha, I am no longer keen. I was surprised that even P's call no longer stirred me. Alas, I already placed so much internal suppression and hence I should not be joining a society that have so many rules and regulation. I will be unhappy. Perhaps, in future, when I finally break down my own suppression then I am able to see Isha objectively. But the truth is we don't gel.

What is needed for resolution?
Completion
Even in the ever changing flow of life there are moments in which we come to a point of completion. In these moments, we are able to perceive the whole picture, the composite of all the small pieces that have occupied our attention for so long.
In the finishing, we can either be in despair because we don't want the situation to come to an end, or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and new beginnings.

Soul
Ending for Isha and also old company is here. I am not sure if I can excel in new company but decision is made, I have committed to 3 years and I will walk the path. It is shaky now but this is beginning.

Father, I realised it is not easy for me to not succeed. My foundation is not as secure as I tot. Perhaps in new company I am not trying because I am afraid to fail. I am not jumping because I am afraid I cannot jump. This morning I tot of asking E whether he regrets in asking me to join. Anyway, no need to ask. Just do my part. Main thing is just to remember I am safe.

On my new car, I am fine with it. I deserve to drive a nice car. For years, I tot I cannot have luxury. I afraid of luxury that comes with a price and etc; ie a job. I also realised that's my fear; any form of restriction. It is my self-projection as I restricted myself too much. My self-control was so high it become self-restrict.