Letting go of my inner judge - unlovability

Mar 22 Aft
One thing I know is that my rship with teacher has changed. I no longer seek her approval. From now on we meet as equals.
I reached my peak with teacher. Not really anger, just don't want to be in her sphere. We reached the end.

On Z, as at this moment, I also don't care. Previously I would have felt bit better as he returned the call as most times he doesn't. But now him returning call also doesn't help.

I am also reaching my end. Yea, both of them. I have been knocking doors that can't open.

I did my shoonya just now and it felt good.

Soul without shame
The more present u r, the more ur awareness will rest and flow naturally with ur own experience.
As u have seen, ur judge is actively directing ur attention away from being here now, into the future and back to the past. The moment u recognise ur own existence independent of any mental concept, the judge becomes simply words in ur mind, no more significant than the label on ur shirt or the length of ur toenails.

Mar 22 Eve
It is unexpected. I didn't expect to go out of Isha this way. But then perhaps this is what needed. Looks like Nine of Heart in Uranus is real.
I am still surprised that I wrote to T. Not my normal style. But alas, now that I am going, I hope that at least some news is leaked out to Ashram. Otherwise the next person will suffer.

During shoonya, I cried about Z. On teacher, no tears. I am good now. Miss Z and I remembered he did return my call. No point making a fuss as he is putting in effort. I wanted to share with him my break up on Isha. So I called him but alas not reachable again.

Diamond Hearts Book 1
Fulfilling desires that arise from the unconscious is not the same fulfillment as we experience in essential life. The unconscious believes that fulfillment has to do with what others give us, think of us, or feel toward us.
The unconscious rarely focused on being itself. It is focused on the mind's desires, expectations, projections and memories.

Essence knows what is real. When u feel happy, it has nothing to do with what others think of u or what u think of urself, whether u r good or bad, big or small, smart or stupid. If u r happy, u r happy - that's it. If u r valuable, u r valuable. Ur being is unconditional.

The unconscious, on the other hand, works on the basis that in order to feel certain ways, certain things have to happen. Everything is conditional.

Soul
Yea, Z called me back and we chatted well. He explained to me his busyness for the past few days and why he is unreachable.