Let go of Isha

Apr 9
Father, I woke up 4 am. I slept around 10 pm, which should be enough. But somehow I sense a resistance. I did my suria namaskara. Despite my resistance, it was fine, just a bit of laughter. But it was not effortless. After suria, I did breathing but somehow couldn't get in. I persevere and then continue with shakti. After kapala bhakti, resistance comes up, I just want to end it and have a nap. I ended shakti and proceed to sleep. I didn't do shambavi. I slept happily and woke up feeling refreshed.

Father, my tots. I now find it difficult to say No to people, as there is attachment. So, now I cannot say No to myself. Perhaps, its a good thing as I recently realised I have been saying No to myself and it causes my immune system to reject myself.


Apr 9 Aft
I msg my friend LK;
Are u going for today volunteer's meet? I m not happy lah. Even yday sathsang, I also not happy.
For the first time in my life, I now understand when people said they r unhappy but still stay on becos of responsibility.

I don't want to act. Yday I was also acting and hence sathsang didn't turn up well. I really need a break from Isha as it also affects my practice.

Father, I finally told P and C. C said Ok with a smile as she also back off from Sathsang. She acknowledged my feelings. I told her that I will stay on as Sathsang Guide till she is ready to take over.

P, with her normal self said below;
Ok... Its your decision dear, don't get so entangled with it all..

When I read it, I felt bit edgy as I was entangled with their friendship and of course my guilt feeling. And I realised also I was bit hurt that she didn't acknowledge my feelings. I have ignored my own feelings for so long now that I am going to share mine.

But the judge in me said people don't care about my feeling, people don't care about me. Here, I was having such dilemma and guilt of leaving them. Alas, they are all grown up. Anyway, just give myself the break that I needed. Aiyah, that's the mother in me.

Yea, its ok for me to get entangle. That's my lesson, to get entangled and hence to have compassion for myself and empathy to others.
That's was why my Cosmic Lesson is Seven of Spades.

Mmm, Queen of Diamond, letting go of my children.


Anyway, glad it is over.

Wow, my heart is beating. Request for services is coming in. My old performance is coming in. But it is ok, my team is coming in.

I must remember about my RA. Now taking a break, having my coffee.

I am so glad I am not going to Isha meet. I just feel a sense of relieve. I m getting myself back. Finally I am able to say Yes to myself.