Facing my inner judge

Mar 22
Father, I am sleepy today too. Yesterday, as I was sleeping, the mobile rang. I found out that it was Z.

Asanas was effortless. Tots of Z came in; I feel like I am knocking on a door that cannot open. I decided to msg him. I am not breaking it off but now I want to express how I feel. And he should know how he contributed towards our rship. I don't expect him to make me feel special but neither do I expect to be treated last in the rung. I know he wants me but I don't fit into his plan.

Today I felt sleepy and I stop practice with Shakti. I just opt for 20 min nap. From now on, I just do what I want instead of keeping to an image I have of myself. I don't want my practice to be a routine that I had to do. I do because I want to.

Soul without shame
Deeper self-awareness often stirs feeling of sadness and loss at having been so out of touch with reality. Or it might bring desire and determination to see more clearly in the future. Or it might ignite feelings of indignation and outrage at being made to feel so diminished and deficient in order to maintain some childhood sense of safety.

On the other hand, the greater understanding may also bring clarity, acceptance and appreciation that u were doing the best u could all ur life given how ignorant of the truth u were. When this appreciation for the movement of ur own soul arises, more internal space opens up. U will find urself acting more realistically and being less influenced by childhood beliefs, attitudes and fears.

The best way to integrate the understanding u develop through observation and exploration is to actively challenge the control of ur judge. The direct action of saying no to the judgement loop causes a shift in ur internal response to attacks. U will draw upon ur deeper soul resources and in the process integrate those qualities into the sense of who u r.

The final resolution of an attack is usually unremarkable. As u work on a judgement, the attack continues to operate in u, but gradually, its power diminishes, taking less and less of ur attention and energy as ur capacity for staying present grows, until one day, u happen to notice that particular attack has no effect on u anymore. It is irrelevant. U r no longer someone who cares about such a comment. U r free of that attack.

Soul
Just now I felt an attack tot of C. My judge dislike being 'instructed'. I ignored it and I just be my loving self and later I can see C was just trying to help.

I really do have an issue with authority, with people coming into my space. South Node in Scorpio is Ace of Diamond - being alone.