Suddenly realising to release Z, is the first step

Jun 3
Was feeling achy yesterday and ate a pill. Not sure why but suddenly there was onslaught of tots of Z and I try to stop it. Was bit strenuous, sleeping with achy body and trying to forget Z. I finally just dropped it and slept.

The pill woke me up two hours later around midnight. I felt energised and body is free of ache. It continue till next morning. Took a rest on asana. Did only meditation, body was stiff. And towards the end, the medicine wear off and lethargic sets in. Luckily I did my meditation and so prolong the energy. I wonder what type of pill was it.

One tot in my mind. I want to let go of Z. He may want me but definitely doesn't love me. I love him and I waited and persevere due to Queen of Diamonds as Results. Alas he couldn't overcome his Pluto of Five of Clubs.  But I think the time has come to move on. I m the one who cling on. I want a new future.
When I saw my next year Ruling Pluto - Three of Hearts (learning about what I really want in love and romance by expressing my feelings and being open to new relationships)
In order to do that, I need to close on Z. Frankly nothing for me to hold on except my own perseverance.

Vedanta treaties -  A Parthasarathy
Life is defined in Sanskrit as a stream of experiences. As long as experiences flow, there is life. When the flow ceases life is extinct. An experience is therefore a unit of life, constituted of 2 factors, subject and object. The individual, u is the subject and the world, the object.
When u contact the world, subject meets object, u gain an experience. And the flow of experiences is life.

Soul
How do I relate this to Z? 

Vedanta treaties
The root cause of suffering is that people do not look within. Hardly investigate the truth of life. Nor exercise their judgement. They rely on outside force to do their thinking.

Only one who has discovered the Self within finds complete satiation, total fulfilment. His quest for happiness ceases. His pursuit of pleasure and peace through his body, mind and intellect ends.

Ur real Self therefore remains ever in absolute peace and bliss. That is ur original Being. No sooner u lose the Self, u develop desires. The desires keep pressurising u to return to ur original Self. To ur primal nature. Desires incessantly pressurise a human to gain peace and pleasure. The pressure ends on realising the Self.
Nothing the world offers can enhance the infinite peace and bliss he enjoys. He is like the ocean whose waters do not rise with all the rivers pouring in. He remains ever absolutely fulfilled.
Thus the evolution of a person and his worldly needs are inversely proportional. It is law.

Soul
Didn't take my dinner yesterday. I had no appetite and also had loads of food during the weekend break. While I love spending time with family, food seems to dominate. Food makes us more lethargic. It doesn't energise us. I have reached my quota. Food has lost its hold on me. That's a miracle by itself.

Mmm, can I do it for Z. Can Z lose its hold to me? 
Actually if I stay with Z, will be similar to my family. I too would have skimped on my practices. Just like I don't want children to hold me back. Why do I want Z to hold me back?? Why am I afraid to 'fly'? 

Father, I want a partner that support me to 'fly'. I already had resistance and so should counter it instead of reinforcing it. I have been blessed with spiritual gifts and need to grow it. I want a rich, smart, spiritual and loving partner.
Letting go of Z is the first step.
Perhaps resistance in letting go of Z is just like I resisted in letting go of food. I tot no more pleasure. But actually food doesn't bring me happiness.