Releasing my past abandoment issue via Z

Jun 20
Alternative view on Z.
Didn't sleep well cos was coughing. Woke up at 4.30 am upon alarm. A tot came, if I m with Z, I won't have the discipline for my practices.

Body is fine. I did one cycle of Surya kriya followed by hata yoga, it was quite good, more flexible despite some skip these last two weeks. Surya kriya really helps. Did a quick Shavasana as body was not tired. Breathing was ok.
Shakti was great. I really got into Kapala Bhakti and only rested once. The ending was not great cos legs were cramped and I can't focus. Shambavi was fine. The ending a peaceful sweet silence. I sat for a long while savouring the sweetness. After closing invocation I said my prayer of thanks to Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Vijii and myself.

During my Shakti, a tot came, let me forgive myself for the long pining over Z. For being unaware that Z had moved on. A tot came, there were many break ups and reconciliation between you guys. So, u tot this break up is temporary as Z needed time.
Let me forgive him for his mishandling of our ending. He was never a communicator; so can't expect him to end well like A did.

I need to get him out of my system. Need to write a letter to Z but no need to sent. I want to release him from me. In truth I m relieved I need not go through a life with him. His values are different from mine. His dream is relationship and family. My dream is self mastery.

When I was in my silence mode, a tot came Z didn't abandon me. He invited me to his wedding dinner not because of show off but I m his group of close friends.
Father, we are both the same. I didn't dare to ask and he didn't dare to tell and vice versa.
After my break up with him in mid September I was still undecided on him and he make his own plans. When we caught up in December, we continue to chat as friends. I didn't ask his status and he didn't share. Only in late December after my trip to ashram I gained the courage to ask and by then he already accepted to the arranged marriage. Our friendship is real; it is not a fake. He didn't abandon me.

Father, not sure if I m on right track but at least I m able to forgive myself and Z. For the first time I accepted the ending  in peace.

Father, I may be 'blinded' by my love for him and pine for him for so long; holding on unnecessarily when Z had moved on. But perhaps the blind period is necessary for me to discover myself deeper and able to accept the final ending with Z and knowing I m not abandoned; that I m lovable.

1. The issue
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. Even if u r cheated and deceived and robbed, let it  happen, because that which is really yours nobody can steal from u. And each time u don't allow situation to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside.
This card indicates that if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear foolish to others or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with a rational mind. But the "zero" place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.

Soul
Tot of asking Z, "was the wedding invite real or he is just taking the easy way out to inform me of his marriage. And who else in Isha that he invited".
Father. I know what this message meant. Thorough out I wanted to maintain a good ending. I overcome my fear to be his friend even after the brutal break up in late Dec last year. That's why I can't let the ending be on bad taste. He may leave a bad taste but doesn't mean I got to follow suit. I m not saying I will be his friend now or future but at least it ended well. Whatever it is, he was the tool that helps me to open up my fear of physical and emotional intimacy.
I am loving and that's who I m irrespective of whether Z is loving or not. 

2. Internal influence
Innocence.
If u drop all that is given by others, u will have a totally different quality to ur being: innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the personality, and there will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.

There is a sense of grace surrounding him, as if he is at home in himself and with what life has brought. The pink flowers cascading around him represent a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness.  They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities. The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish.

Soul
Yea. I now understand this. Fathe, I feel anew.

3. External influence.
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, only  then u can drop knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside. And with trust, something immense opens up.
That which can be taken away is not worth keeping, and that which cannot be taken away. ... Why should one be afraid of its being taken away? U cannot lose ur real treasure.
Just jump, with hardly a tot for what happens next. The leap is the thing and the thrill of it as we free-fall through the empty sky.


Soul
Z is gone. Z is not me. My valuation is intact.
I can't say I m not relieved that my Cosmic lesson is over, that I need not spend my life in financial insecurity and reduced practices and self contemplation time.

4. What is needed for resolution?
The Dream
We come alone and we go alone. All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship. That's why we become so much involved in love. The source is that u r afraid of ur aloneness
Nobody, whether it is ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - not could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.

5. Resolution
Rebirth
Everything passes by u; ur consciousness reflects it but does not get identified. Ur consciousness is only a mirror.  Neither do u come, nor do u go. Things come and go.

It is a time of growth and change. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.