Discovery into my natal chart was vital for my growth

Jun 18
Woke up at 3 am and then slept back. But it took awhile cos nose block. A song keep on playing in my mind - Two less lonely people in the world.

I wonder whether this is referring to Z and wife. Or referring to Z now got a wife and I got my freedom. The song keep buzzing and it took a while before I can sleep. By the time alarm rang at 4.30 am, I was in deep sleep and wake up with a jolt. I knew I was tired and so I slept and wake up 5.15 am.

A tot came to me, if I m with Z, definitely I lose my practices. I want to keep my practices as it keep me sane and it goes towards my dream of Self Mastery.

Did one cycle of Surya kriya and my joints are good. I now do breathe counting for the fluttering. After Shavasana I did a quick breathing. Shakti was great but feet was numb and I took 2 stops. Kapala Bhakti is improving and I increased the count. On the final breathing, I can now feel the sensation.
Shambavi was good. The first four asanas were great. Suka kriya has violet flame.
There were some painful tots of Z that I ignored but then the mind got tricky and changed to pleasurable tots of orgasm. I was hooked bit and the mind then even went to hallucinate that I have a fling with Z before the marriage. That one I woke up cos no way I would do that.

The ending was peaceful. I just sat there. Plough back was great. When I did my closing prayers, only Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Vijii and myself. Then I burst out laughing.

Father, a tot came. My mind is scary and the tots it generate are not me. I want to let go of my mind. Now after breakfast, a peaceful silence descends on me. Father, guide me on how to drop my mind. It is time. 

The Power of Now
The pain that u create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.

Soul
Suddenly I tot, the resistance is my validation issue. My hidden need to be validated by a partner. In the past one weeks, I heard of 3 unexpected marriages - E, Ma and then Z.
Father, if letting my mind is a talk order, guide me to let go of my need for validation of a partner.
I don't mind the ending but how it end disturbs me. I was caught unaware. I m judging myself as a loser. Not sure why I didn't re-read the Five of Hearts in Venus, Jack of Clubs in Pluto and Nine of Diamonds in Results. The notes were in my outlook and not phone. Why I had to prolong the pain?
Answer came, you needed the time to find ur natal chart. And u needed the time to face ur mind.

The Power of Now.
The intensity of pain depends on the degree of resistance.

Soul
Yea, at least I now see my need of validation from people and a need for a partner.

The Power of Now
The mind to ensure that it remains in control, seeks continuously to cover up the present moment with past and future, and so, as the vitality and infinitive creative potential of Being.
If u no longer want to create pain for urself and others, if u no longer want to add to the residue of past pain that still lives on in u, then don't create any more time.
Make the Now the primary focus of ur life.
Whereas before u dwelt in time and paid brief visits to the Now, have ur dwelling place in the Now and pay brief visits to past and future when required to deal with practical aspects of ur life.

Soul
A tot came. I m sure Z has no tots on me. Why I need to have tots? Answer came, Z's issue is on money. His validation comes from materials.
I dwell on this cos my dream of Self Mastery makes me judge myself. Objectively I m handing this very well.
But I still feel not enough.