Gaining strength from the trees

Jun 11
Father, still feeling tired. Woke up at alarm but don't feel like doing hata. Slept for another one hour. Second day misses hata but the difference is no guilt nor fear of losing it.

Did one cycle of Surya kriya but skipped breathing instead. Had a good Shakti. Now getting better on the 4252 breathing and Kapala Bhakti. Followed up by a quick preparatory steps for Shambavi. I can now sit in true sadhana style for Suka kriya. My head was shaking furiously on aum chanting. At the end, just singing quietly in my mind. Plough back was good, my feet went up real straight.
There were some tots of Z. I looked it, see it and then consciously let go cos I know its an illusion.

Elbow bit stiff. Guess can't skip hata yoga.

Father, as I was driving I saw the trees standing proud on their own. Each tree grows up on their own. I know I can be a tree too.
I used to project an image of stand alone and I tot I can. But the experience with Z and leadership in Isha on and subsequent self reflection made me realised I not only seek validation from friends but also longing for a partner. Alas, I m going back to my self but now can truly be strong.

Father, thank you for the experience with Z and the parental mode. Yesterday faced two onslaughts from the parental mode P and S. I am able to distance myself away. They were just releasing. I am also able to just waive of E. My defense mechanism is getting normalised.

Mmm, couldn't find Z contact. Perhaps I accidentally deleted him.
Anyway while I love him I knew he didn't treat me good. While I understand his insecurity and behaviours, it doesn't mean I condoned his action. Funny, when one think of past, we always think of good times, we forgot about the bad times.

Taurus north node
Their tendency to perceive themselves as intrinsically "bad" and disliked by others is actually their oversensitive probing to evoke validation from others.
When these folks stop seeking validation, they will no longer be so vulnerable to feeling disliked.
Sometimes the people who have abused them shun them, and the reason is understandable: when one has abused another, there is lot of guilt involved.

Soul
Mmm, I m now slowly but surely no longer afraid of being disliked.
As for Z, maybe he felt guilty for not treating me right. I used to tot its me but it could be him.

North node in Taurus
They tend to be drawn to people who are poor risks for closeness. When they bond and put their trust in one of these people, they always end up disappointed.
Their job is to discriminate and form relationships with those who are already psychologically healthy.

Soul
Yea, parental mode people disappointed me. I have learned that their values for work is stronger than their empathy.
Mmm, same as Z. His value for children is stronger than his liking for me.


North node in Taurus
If they get on touch with what is really important to them and clearly represent those values, then they will attract people who truly resonate with them.

Soul
Yea. It took me awhile.
I used to hide my meditation and interest in Osho and 7thunder. But now I openly share them. Guess I m coming out of closet.
Just like I hide the fact I m not taking meat. But I now openly declared.  Just told my mom that I m not going to take meat. I have tasted the best, no regrets.