My mind fighting to remove the pain of abandonment..the loss of my valuation

Jun 17 eve
Father, some tots of Z just came in. I looked at it and don't want to be hooked. He is not worth my peace.

One hour later, tots came in but I don't want to follow it. It said I should not display my anger and spoil the rship. Well, it was not a real rship. He truly hurt me and I need to voice it. If he had given me a better msg, I would just be sad but not angry. I know I m big to be able to accept defeat. I m friend with the first guy I loved. He handled my defeat well; he gave me a full explanation. He cared about my feelings. Z was dishonest with me and avoided me. I gave him many opportunity to end well. He just blew it off. Anyway, he is not a friend I want to keep. I may change my mind after ashram. But not now. I deserved to say my piece.

The Power of Now
All emotions are modifications of one primordial, indifferentiated emotion that has its origin in the loss of awareness of who u are beyond name and form. The name "fear" comes close, but apart from a continuous sense of threat, it also induces a deep sense of abandonment and incompleteness. It may be best just to call it "pain".

Soul
Another hour later, some tots on Z comes in. I looked at it and saw it was my need for validation to create the guilt tots. I need not seek his validation as he doesn't sought mine.
I came back to present. I m willing to let go of my mind.

The Power of Now
One of the main tasks of the mind is to fight or to remove that emotional pain, which is one of the reasons for its incessant activity. Infact the harder the mind struggles to get rid of the pain, the greater the pain. The mind can never find the solution, because it is itself an intrinsic part of the "problem".
U will not be free of that pain until u cease to derive ur sense of self from identification with the mind. The mind is then toppled from its place of power and Being reveals itself as ur true nature.

Love, joy and peace cannot flourish until u freed urself from mind dominance. Love, joy and peace arise from beyond the mind.

Soul
I experienced that whenever I do my practices. And I now can go into that peace too.

The Power of Now
The very thing that gives u pleasure today will give u pain tomorrow, or it will leave u, so its absence will give you pain. And what is often referred to as love may be pleasurable and exciting for awhile, but it is an addictive clinging, an extremely needy condition that can turn into its opposite at the flick of a switch. Many "love" relationships, after the initial euphoria has passed, actually oscillate between "love" and hate, attraction and attack.

Soul
Well, we were going towards that stage.  It was showing sign of strain. Father, who knows it may not have lasted. So, him walking out is a blessing.

The Power of Now
Pain is inevitable as long as u are identified with ur mind, which is to stay as long as u r unconscious, spiritually speaking.

There is two level to ur pain: the pain that u create now, and the pain from the past that still lives on in ur mind and body
Ceasing to create pain in the present and dissolving past pain - this is that I talked about Now.

Soul
Yea. I cannot erase my past fear of abandonment or love.
But I can decide not to create new ones.