No one shall have mastery over my peace

Jun 5
Its 4.30 am and body is fine despite medicine. Woke up and had these two tots:
I can only count on my spiritual practices.
Neither Z or anyone is mine to be counted upon. They are subject to themselves, other things/other people and me. I can only count on myself. I can only count on my practices. In the end, only me. No matter how capable or masterful I be, its only me I can act upon.

Leadership in Isha need vision and plan for growth. So, there is none. We are just doing task here and there. So, they have a point.

Just finished my morning practices.  My body was nimble as if some long time resistance is gone. Asanas were good. Shakti is now much better. I m able to do Kapala Bhakti with correct sounds and slower speed. Contrary to my original belief, slowing down actually give me more breathe rather than speeding it through. Shambavi was great. All the first 4 asanas are so unbelievably nimble. Surya kriya also is different as I now put my left feet nearer to my groin. I found that my body tend to be straighten and my head won't droop. After Suka kriya, my head was shaking automatically furiously. Then it settled and I start to do aum chanting but head again swings.
In the beginning of breathing meditation, there were some tots of E getting married and not me. I waived it off. There were also tots of Z and I, I waived it off too. I was able to say, just my mind, not real.

The silence thereafter. Just feeling peaceful, no tots. The plough back was very nimble too.
Amen.

As I drive to work, for the first time I didn't feel like a 'victim' on not having Z.
No one shall has any mastery over my peace.

Father, finally I can relate to my this week Osho's cards. Something open up within.

1. The issue
Turning in
When going stops, journeying disappears; when desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in. This is called turning in. But it is not turning at all, it is simply not going out.

To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessing.

Soul
Yea. Finally I understood Z actually has no hold on me; it was my mind and Past. Mind belongs to the past.
I can only count on my practices to bring me present.


2. Internal influence
Fighting
It's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself. U r worth it.

Soul
Yea, I was fighting to hold Z back. By holding him back, I m fighting against his absence. I m fighting against the world. I have given the world mastery over my peace.
I release my hold. I have forgiven myself.
Amen.


3. External influence
The Burden
The truth had not to be achieved. It cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped. All aims, and ends and ideals and goals and ideologies, religions and system of improvement and betterment, are lies.
Beware of them. Recognise that, as u are, u are a lie. See the lie. In seeing of the lie, it disappears, and what left is the truth.

Soul
Yea, all the yearnings for Z was in my mind and body, it was my Past. It may have been ingrained but I can let it go. Today I released my hold on Z, my resistance against his absence. In releasing, my body is nimble and my heart is opening up. My happiness has returned.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Flowering
Zen wants u to live in abundance, living totality, living intensely - not at the minimum as Christianity wants u, but at the maximum, overflowing.

Soul
Yea, I was crying on the absence of Z, pining for him. No more.

5. Resolution
The Fool
Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen, then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
Moment, by moment, and with every step, the Fool leaves the past behind.

Soul
Yes, the absence of Z - don't resist, let it happen. Then it will be gone. Me resisting is what kept the experience in my mind.
I feel refreshed. Finally let go of my Past.


Father
Yes, I was letting my previous experiences cloud my readings of Osho tarot card. I can now read it based on present. Amen.