Explosive Surya Kriya

May 29
Father, thank you for my life.
Woke up at 7 am in a dream. Slept back for half an hour.

Did opening invocation and followed by guru pooja and I was singing thereafter. This is a first time.
Did my 5 cycles of Surya Kriya, doing it more slowly, taking care to lean on my right side during mountain pose and breathing slow during fluttering on lying down posture. At the end, I suddenly cry for awhile and then changed to laughter for a long period.
Did my Shavasana and was still laughing.  
Shakti is improving. Shambavi with violet lights during Suka kriya. On fluttering; also doing better.
I was singing and dancing towards the end. Plough back asanas was great. Amen.

Saw a Facebook msg from a fellow meditator, R, whom I asked to help in searching for Sathsang venue. He quoted Sun Tzu's art of war about lack of leadership and no organisation.
For the first time, I saw him as the issue. R is not a great leader but neither a good follower, just like M. Leadership is from example, from own initiative. In an imperfect world of volunteering, leaders are made and not appointed. The same as the volunteers are not given.
They are waiting for appointment of leadership.
Father, a real breakthrough. I am not affected. They are only protecting their wounds.

Father, I am accepting my role as lead. Reading the North node in 11th house; reminds me not to resist the lead role. I didn't ask for it; I tried to get rid of it but it keeps coming back.
I don't want to be like Z, resisting life.
Something is happening that is beyond me. Let me keep to my commitment on overcoming my Saturn in Aries. I already overcome Z as my mirror. Now times to overcome my shadow.

Father, a tot occurred to me. Maybe P doesn't want segregation of roles cos she afraid all comes back to her. She is afraid others can't be true lead. That's why she is overly assertive in her opinions. But that only scare away potential true leads. P and M are different but similar.

Father, I m responsible for asserting my needs. I didn't assert with Z cos I was afraid of Z leaving me. Whereas Z has been adamant on his need for children and no commitment to me. He did assert his needs whereas I didn't.
Looking back, if I have asserted, we wouldn't have last so long. As Z said he was afraid I leave him first cos he knows he can't fulfill my needs as he has no plan for me in his future. That's why he cut me off so abruptly and easily. Father, getting sad but its ok. I must learn to face this.

Now in Isha, I can't avoid being the lead. And since I can't avoid, I must laid down ground rules so we can all move forward.

Queen of Spades
Self mastery
Whenever this card appears, we are given a special opportunity to achieve much success in our external life by mastering ourselves within. This means creating more success by changing our inner tots, beliefs and attitudes instead of trying to alter our external circumstances.
We can expect success in work and organisation ability whenever she appears in our spreads.