Feeling pessimistic - yet inner joy shines

Jun 12
This morning woke up at 6.30 am but nose was blocked. So, reset alarm to 7.30 am.
When I woke up I had resistance on practices. A small niggling voice asking me "what's ur progress?"  U r falling sick and Z is no more and u r still thinking of him.
I looked at my tots and I ignored them. I just replied that I will feel better after practices. I already skipped two days of hata yoga and joints is swelling.

I did my Surya kriya. Mind said to do only 3 cycles but I ignored and proceed to 5 cycles. Shavasana was good and did a quick breathing. Shakti has improved much. I m now doing Shakti with more reverence. I know C and L did it correctly and they found the 'Hit". I admit I haven't but I have grown deeper into it. My feet wa cramped by the time I finished Shakti. Could barely do preparatory steps for Shambavi. After struggling with butterfly steps, I was fine. Good one. It was a peaceful silence ending. As I was about to do end with closing invocation, suddenly my body dances and singing erupted from nowhere.
A tot came, whatever I may think, my inner joy is here to stay. Amen.

I can't stop loving Z, so I don't want to resist it. I know whenever ending with Z happens, my mind will start to question my practices. For now I can only express my values. I shared ashram with both my colleagues and they may be going.

Father, now reading my blog and saw this;
A new earth
The ego is always on guard against any kind of perceived diminishment. Auto ego-repair mechanism come into effect to restore the mental form of "me". The mechanisms are self-justification, defense and planning.


Soul
Yea, guess my valuation dropped without Z. And I no longer have my career. Recently not much work too despite a 3 days job. Actually it was the second company that took most of my time. Now that I got them settled, I m more free now.
Father, I should be appreciating that I got nothing much to do at work. I should be appreciating that I can do 3 days work. I m having my dream.

And no Z also dropped my values.

At the moment, leadership in Isha gives me some values but even that I don't want. Mmm, dropping Isha would further erodes my values. Guess I should be appreciative of the chance instead of resenting the work.

My blog is moving along. Website on the way. Not sure if this would give me values.

Father, suddenly it occur to me why I judged M. I tot she doesn't have value as she has no specialty.  Actually I m the one that needs value.

Father, why no Z dropped my values? Perhaps that's why I couldn't let go. Yea, north node says I want a independent soul mate and south node said I over relied on soul mate. But I still don't get it.

Father, guide me. I know releasing is the answer but I can't seem to get there.

A new earth
A powerful spiritual practices is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it.
Non resistance (I don't mind what happen in the now)
Non judgment (Maybe good or bad)
Non attachment (This too, will pass)


Soul
So the answer is for me not to want Z to return. To stay without Z, to stay without a partner.

A question came, then why let me have Z in the first place? Answer came; for u to have and then let go. Truly to experience real aloneness. Without giving u Z, u won't know the difference. Ur strength in aloneness is then not real

Yea, the same concept for alcoholics. U don't know ur strength unless it is tested.