First time feeling and expressing anger

Jun 24 eve
Father, a coincidence. Me now reading The Power of Now. At the same time I m compiling abridged book that is also the same title.
After this would be Krishna. I read Krishna just before I did Isha. And I watched Sadhguru on Krishna's Leela a few months back. Perhaps good to read Krishna now with fresh eyes. Amen.

The Power of Now
Are u defending ur right to be unconscious, ur right to suffer.
Don't worry, nobody is going to take that away from u.
Once u realise that a certain kind of food make u sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep on asserting that it is okay to be sick.

Soul
This really hits me. I have been purging for the past 2 years on spices and yet I continue to eat.
I am truly wilful
At first there was no pain but recently it comes with pain.
Recently I am thinking that I am being stupid to continue to seek suffering...just so that I can take spicy food. What I am asserting on? What am I being wilful about?


Late evening
Just exploded into anger on the related company colleagues. I have been patient and nice but not only didnt appreciate, can even attack us.
I feel the heat up my face, my heart beat fast and I write the mail. I have been so tolerant but they really tested my patience.
I finally experience real anger.
When I got into my car, I exploded into tear. I cried loads and I then realised this is the first time I expressed my anger.
I cried cos I remember that I couldn't even get angry during BSP.  I couldn't scream out my anger. I can only cry.
I cried cos I truly matters. My feelings are important too. I matters. I cried cos I now know why I can tolerate Z for his lack of care for me.
Now I know why 2013/14 Mercury is Two of Clubs (communication, fear and arguing) and Indirect card is Two of Spades (friendship and working partnership)

For the first time I expressed my anger. No wonder today Five of Clubs.

Cough
What is causing u to feel so irritated?
Is something or someone making u feel hot or angry?
Are u being asked to accept or swallow something u don't want?
Is something or someone making u gag?
Are u longing to express urself, to let out ur feelings.
Are u feeling overwhelmed or smothered by something or someone?

Soul
Yea, the related company colleagues. Especially my ex boss. Thank God I quit working for him. But he is truly making me angry. As my regional boss said he is trying to make life difficult for us so that we let them go off to form their own finance team.

Ur body speaks ur mind
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
Do u lack assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express urself in the way u really want to.
Do u undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect.

Soul
Alas I got all.
My value of a high EQ person has resulted in my anger turning inward into resentment. And I don't even allow myself resentment, so it goes into attacking my body instead.

Father, thank to E relentless attack caused me to have my first true expression of anger.


My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Ruling Ten of Diamonds.
E is my Neptune in Life spread and Spiritual spread. Try to see how strongly u project ur fantasies in him and take a moment to separate what u want them to be from who they really are. In this manner ur own projections will not block the truth and u will be able to have a relationship with a real person instead of a dream that is constantly threatening to become a nightmare.

I need to see the real him. Exactly my experience while working with him. That's part of the reason why I quit.

I am Pluto in Life Spread to E - his challenge. I have a powerful effect on him causing intense feelings. This may be the cause of battle of wills.

My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Six of Hearts in Ruling
We are karma cousins to each other. Both of us have a debt to settle with the other.