Auto immune disorder - my mind creates attacking guilt

Jun 22 eve
A few hours of peace from tots of Z. Then suddenly a tot came in, trying to create guilt over me causing the break up in mid Sept. I looked at the tots and said this is Past. And besides if Z has no guilt over this, why should I even feel guilty?

But what strikes me was that the mind tries to create guilt.
I seems to have loads of unnecessary guilt. I am always envious of people who don't have guilt of hurting others, of causing unnecessary breakdown in communication. I want to find out how to go beyond my past, how to stop myself against unnecessary self attack.

Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune disorder
U need to ask about how u have become an enemy to yourself, and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings. These questions are not easy to answer as they demand honesty.

Soul
Father, a year ago I would say I can't relate. But now I can see I  am truly not good to myself.
No wonder it was said in Natal Chart that I was easily influenced. I couldn't relate but now I can.

Rheumatoid Arthritis
How have u become ur own enemy?
Are u dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
Are u destroying yourself with guilt or shame?
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or lack of self respect?

Soul
Loads of self attack. On the surface, I seems to be self protect. In truth, I m self attack. No wonder I carry a burden in me.
No wonder own immune system attacking myself.
Father, no more. I no longer want to attack myself, no longer wants to cause myself pain.
I take responsibility for my mental, emotional and physical health.

Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune
Immune defense mechanism is to identify and destroy foreign substances, the immune cells have to be able to distinguish between what is harmful and what is harmless.
This is the ability to discriminate between what is u and what is not u. It is reflected in ur ability to determine ur own tots and feelings as opposed to adopting those of someone else.
When u believe another more than u believe in urself, u r giving away ur sense of individuality and surrendering ur power. This makes u vulnerable and liable to be affected or infected by someone or something outside urself.
In Rheumatoid Arthritis, the ability to differentiate becomes so confused that the self appears as non-self.

Soul
Ruling Card's Ace of Diamonds - learning from Eight of Diamonds to become Queen of Diamonds.
My north node in Taurus is to find and strengthen my values. To find and maintain what makes me happy.
My north node in 11th house is to stop seeking validation from others. To seek my path and stay on it regardless of what others think.
Father, on the surface I seems sure. I think I m sure when it comes to food and my work. That's why P said I got ego in food and work and none in others.
But on interpersonal relationship I m not, worst case is romantic relationship.
No wonder I was given some Parental mode to show me actually how affected I was, how vulnerable and lacking of confidence. I remember my breakthrough when I woke up and said parental people are not gospel truth.

Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid Arthritis
The most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love and in this way become ur own best friend.

Soul
My true love is within me. I will be my own best friend. That's exactly what M is doing. Despite what the world may think, she thinks otherwise and uplift herself. She is her own best friend.
Guess that's what I was envious of.
Father, I have all that she wants to emulate and yet I didn't uplift myself. I will now do so.
Amen.