Slowly understanding why Z need to flow out of my life

Jun 17
Wake up at 4.30 am to do my practices. A tot came, if I m with Z, I won't be doing. And my practices is an important tool for my dream of Self mastery.
Did 5 cycles of Surya kriya without opening my eyes. But I did make slight adjustment. For the first time since I start Surya kriya, both feet can touch the ground, a real breakthrough. At the end of five cycles, a silence descend on me. There were no phelgm at all. That itself was amazing.

Did a quick Shavasana as I was not tired. Breathing meditation was fine with violet flame. Shakti was good, I just stopped once. Kapala Bhakti was good too and now I can do my last breathing session with sensation. Shambavi was good too. Towards the end, silence descends on me. There were some songs in my mind but I didn't sing out loud. I just sat there for a long while. Suddenly I cried out loud, with tears rolling out from my eyes. For a moment, such grieve or rather death of something. All in all, I reached another level in my practices. Amen.
There were little tots throughout the practices. Some flying tots of Z and wife came in. I ignored them.
When I was doing my prayer of thanks, suddenly T and Z was out. I only thanked Father, Sadhguru, Vijii and myself. I did a second time and both T and Z were gone.

A tot came to me, letting go of Z is to let go of my mind. Then later mind keep on coming out with tots of Z's wife, how they are enjoying themselves and even revengeful tots. I just looked at it and asked my mind, why waste time on that, 7thunder cards already said we are on Five of Hearts (separation) in Venus and his Venus and Environment card is Queen of Hearts meaning love and pleasure and good marriage and he also has King of Hearts as Long range, meaning birth of children.
Why don't u use the time to think of happy tots for me instead, of me and my website, me and my new partner.

The tot came again, drop my mind, drop Z. A silence descend on me. I m not sure of how to drop. I just know to ignore, to disbelieve my mind and to go into the inner silence  that I know.

Father, my Osho card for last week were really true.
1. Issue
Integration
The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness. The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty.
We are the union of eagle and swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self creation, new life and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.

2. Internal influence
Conditioning
Individuality has the quality of lion; lion moves alone. Do whatever needed to wake up the sleeping lion within.

Soul
Yea, I m alone but I savour it. I am now willing to drop my mind. I disbelieved my mind.

3. External influence
Guilt
When we punish ourselves for our failures by feeling guilty, we can get locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness that robs us of clarity about ourselves and situations we encounter.
U r absolutely okay as u are, and it is absolutely natural to go astray from time to time. Just learn from it, move on and use the lesson not to make the same mistake again.

Soul
When I got this card on last Monday, I was not so sure cos I knew my guilt on Isha not much. Little did I knew that its because I felt guilty of trusting Z to be honest, hoping for a change of mind, pining for him and hoping he will clarify and do a good ending. Alas, after eight months, he gave me another blow by inviting me to his wedding and worst still, at his house, whereby we spent intimate time together. I scolded him for leaving a bad taste, for not ending well and for losing our friendship.
And I then recalled the Pluto of Jack of Clubs - dishonesty and that's him.
I felt guilty for Friday night and then Saturday.
I woke up on Sunday.

4. What is needed?
Clinging to the Past
What gone is gone! It is no longer there, don't cry for split milk. And don't cling to the present because that is also going and soon it will be past.
Don't cling to the future - hopes, imaginations, plans for tomorrow - because tomorrow will become today, will become yesterday. Everything is going to become yesterday. Clinging simply creates misery. U will have to let go.
Take a deep breathe, put the box down and bit it farewell. Life is passing u by. The nostalgia for the past really makes her a 'blockhead' and a beggar , turning her back on the sparkling champagne glass of blessing that is available now.

Soul
Father, finally understand this part on not clinging to the present.
The present for the last 2 days was sad. And when I was sad, I need not cling to it. On Sunday, sadness was released. The present was gone.
I also understand not to cling to future. When my mind was thinking, it creates a future of sadness. I need not cling to the future either especially since I can only think of sad future.
Best is not to cling at all. All this shall past.
Let me just appreciate the abundance that I have now.
Father, I finally realised that its our mind that creates the past by dwelling on memories, create present by reaction and project sad future. All the mind creation are not true, not real. Since I can't manage the mind yet, I m going to disbelieve it for its falseness. No wonder the advice; This too shall past. Cos the past, present and future created by our mind is just an illusion.

5. The understanding
Creativity
Creativity is the quality u bring to the activity that u r doing. It is an attitude, an inner approach - how u look at things.
The important thing is to be open to what wants to be expressed through u.

Soul
My mind is false. My past, present and future is false. I can now disbelieve my mind.
No wonder Sadhguru says that the seed of experience is within. It is because it is within that the mind took control. Father, I want to cry. Father, I will take back the control. I will decide my seed of experience. The seed is in me.
What I know I was is not real. What I know I m is not real. What I tot I will be is not real.
All is false. All will past.