Intensity - me searching for answer to my suffering

Jun 28
Woke up with a tot of Z. But not keen on it. Tot of the mirror of consciousness.
Z and I were lovers but need not get identified to it.

Wake up 7.25 am to do my practices. Did 5 cycle of Surya Kriya. Both feet now can touch the ground more times. Standing posture also improved. Breathe fluttering also improved. All in all a good one. I was singing at the end.
Had a short Shavasana cos I don't feel tired.
Breathing was nice
Shakti was good. Only rest after the three cycle of Kapala Bhakti. My feet were totally stiff.
Shambavi was good. When I was doing fluttering, my hands went on helicopter mode swing.
Towards the end, a peaceful silence. I sat for quite a long while.
I knew if I m with Z, I can't have the time to do my practices.

A tot came, how to walk away. How to have my consciousness like in the mirror. Either totally in or totally out. Answer came, Krishna.

1. The Issue
Abundance
Unless u become existential, u cannot become whole.
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within.

Soul
For the first time, I found my physical release without using memory of Z.
My True love is within.

2. Internal influence
Traveling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life.
When this card appears, it indicate a time of movement and change. It may be physical or inner movement from one way of being to the other. This card promises is the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth.

Soul
Yea. Changes.
Today got this card
New Vision - when u open to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. U found ur roots.
U r being born anew. 
U come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated. 

Soul
Now I no longer resist the flow of Z absence. My mind is still rolling but that's not me.
But how to go beyond the mind. How to move away like a mirror. How to remove my previous identity as Z's lover.


3. External influence
Intensity
U have to find ur innermost core on ur own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry u are bound to come to sunrise.
The opinions of others matters little now. Nothing can hold u back.

Soul
Others tot me intense. Yes, cos it is important to me. I can't allow my mind to guide my life. I have seen my hidden consciousness and now all in open. Next step is the spinning of stories from my mind. They are not me and sometimes I forget and tot it was me. How to separate us forever?

3. What is needed for resolution?
Maturity.
The distinction between the grasses and the blossom is the same as between u not knowing u r a buddha and the moment that u know u r a buddha.

This figure stands alone, silent and yet alert. This inner being us filled with flowers that carry the quality of springtime and regenerate wherever he goes.
This inner flowering and the wholeness that he feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. This is spiritual spring.
His joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals.

Soul
True. My mind keep on giving me sad stories. I am not willing to be sad.


5. Resolution
Miser
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, ur innermost being, is the target - not s beautiful house, but a beautiful u; not much money but a rich u; not many things but an open being available to a million things.


Soul
Open up to Y and RA friend on Isha hata yoga.