I accept my responsibility in the final break up

Aug 12 aft
King of Spades
The Master Card
The King of Spades is the final and most powerful card in the deck, representing both mastery on one's environment and one's self.

Soul
Yea. I m focused on my Dream of Love and Meditation. I will love again. On my mind, just need to remind it that we are secure.

Father, just did Shoonya. At first was at surface. Later went in deep. So nice.

Mind still active, keep on asking me to get Z's wedding pix. I ignored it. It will come when I m ready. May even be this weekend cos this week Osho card is still on Sorrow.

1. Issue - Sorrow
2. Internal - flowering
3. External - The Source
4. What is needed? - Adventure
5. Resolution - Courage.

Soul
As I was doing my Shoonya, a tot came Z and I are both fearful emotionally. That's why we are both control freak. We are not good for each other emotionally, we are the same. And we are not able to support each other in pursuing our dreams. I can't support his need for material wealth and he can't support my need for spiritual path and my writing.
I always asked for a partner that can grow with me. Alas he can't.
We are good physically as he was stronger and helped me to open my sexual door. And once its open, I was strong too.

The secret of Shambhala
When we use our energy to get what we want, the other party will resist as he felt manipulated and that gives him the sense that whosoever is behind him is up to no good, which produces more fear and adds to his determination to flee.

Soul
When I read this, my tot went to the day in Sept, where I got my Outsider card and I try to force him to make decision on us. When he resist and said no, I bolted and run away.
Father, yea I contributed to it. But a year ago I couldn't have done any different.
To him, staying with me means no children and he lose his dream. And I was also insecure  to express my feelings or to discuss. He did bring up children many times and I just closed up.
Father, I accept I brought in the ending. But I couldn't have done it differently. Losing him led me to Jan Spiller Natal Chart, to Surya Kriya, opening my blog. I was still wounded back in 2012 but I am healed now.

The secret of Shambhala.
All we can do is visualise our energy reaching out and increasing his level of vibration overall. This allows him to more fully overcome the fear and get in touch with his higher self intuition, which hopefully will lead him to be less fearful of us and to maybe risk a conversation.
To do anything else is to presume that we know his best life course, but only he knows that.

Soul
Yea, his dream is still children and my dream doesn't have children. We would have separated but at least he take the time to find a new one. Anyway, his mother also pressured him greatly. So while I m not the one; I activated him. Hope my reading is wrong. But at least he be feeling good this year, enjoying his marriage and children by next year.

Father, Sorrow truly is to make us aware. This time I can look at our separation and his wedding as it is. No blame on him or me. We are both wounded people. We couldn't have helped each other. We can't give to each other what we want.
We both need a stronger partner to help us. I recalled his wife is as a smiling cheerful lady, looks warm. She looks like someone who has received loads of love. She knows she is lovable. His choice will give him good standing with his ex wife and he can save on legal fees too. Truly wish him the best. Truly know it is right that we are not together. He was a tool for my lifetime Seven of Hearts.

Father, at this moment. I m ready to face him and wife. I truly wish them well.
I truly laid my Seven of Hearts to rest.

I know my mind will react later but I will remember this moment. I feel a great burden has been released. No more seeing his marriage as betrayal. He is just following his script. No more blaming myself too as I was following my wounded script too.
Father, I am feeling overwhelmed, tears came. Alas the good closure I wanted. At the moment I can say I didn't lose but can't say I win yet. Maybe in next few months I can see I win. Then it be win win.