Seeing the relationship with Z as it is, no more illusion..plain facts.

Aug 16 eve 2
Saw this in Osho. So beautiful.

Osho - razor edge
It is man's strange mind - If u feel grateful towards me, somewhere, someday u may take revenge against me. It may happen to many who were as grateful as u are, and now they are as revengeful as they were grateful - in the same proportion.

Our path may separate, or u may be able to go only so far with me and then stop. Then u will have to find some rationalisation for why u have stopped, or why u have separated from me and moved on to another path.
U are not in a state of consciousness which can simply say, "It was beautiful to be with him and I m grateful for that, but life takes strange routes; although I m now on a separate path, my gratefulness to him remain the sameness". That needs great consciousness.

Soul
Love and hate is the same. Apathy is the opposite. Father, suddenly tot of me with Z. For the past 2 years, he was always in my daily prayer of thanks. But now that he had got married, I deliberately remove him from my prayer list as I don't want to remember him. I want to forget about him. I don't want to give him a place in my heart. I want him out. Same like me deleting his contact.
I admit I have intermittent tots of contacting him. And at times truly want to say thank U for opening me up physically with such patience and gentleness. For helping me to realise money is to be spent. For helping me to get past fear of driving big car.
Even our separation though painful helps me to go in deeper into my natal chart.
But I m afraid to contact him cos I don't trust myself. I m worried mind will go back to him. No more, only go forward.

Father, no wonder the Lovers card I receive today. Love and meditation is compassion. When I saw this card, I wonder why. At the most is compassion for my staff W who quit her job without giving me an advance discussion.
Now reading this, perhaps could be due to Z. But I m not ready. When the times comes, they will appear in front of me. I need not go to offer myself.

Osho - razor
That is the ordinary human mind; either it can love or hate.
When it loves, it finds all rationalisation to love, when it hates, it find all rationalisation to hate. And when it hates it forgets completely those moments of love and gratitude.

If u r not grateful to me, even if we separate u will not be revengeful towards me - as if we were two strangers who walked on the way for a time and then our path separated.

Soul
Z never grateful to me. He tot we are doing each other favour. So he can easily drop me and treat me as stranger who becomes casual friend.

Osho
I am no more than a stranger u have met on the way. We talked for a little while, just to pass time. We can depart in a friendly way; there is no need to justify urself.

Soul
When I read this I tot of Z's initial advice.  We are just lovers to keep each other company. There is no commitment. And he did try to talk to me not have emotional contact with him. He himself try not to call me so he won't develop feelings for me. Whenever he does his control talk, I would be hurt and angry and reject him. So he stopped telling me to stop getting attached to him whereas he continues with his script not to get attached to me. In a way he kept to his end of the bargain but I didn't.

Father, this is hurtful. This is humbling. I did this to myself. When I went in, I knew the score but I needed the physical opening and tot we end in three months. But because I couldn't open and he couldn't get his financial in order we went on for one and half year. By that time I was already in love with him. Yes, perhaps out of gratitude or etc. 

Father, this is painful. But I let it happen and that's why there is no betrayal here, except proper closure. Closure can't happen as Z can't stand confrontation and also he tot I won't let him go. That's why it was an abrupt ending.
To Z there is no pain, no suffering, no guilt, no trace of me on him. That's why he tot he can be friends.
As I m writing this tears fell. Feeling sad.
Now I know the Issue card of Sorrow this week and Lover card today.
For Z, absolutely nothing. No impact, no trace, completely nothing. All the dramas on my end.
But never mind; don't judge myself too badly as Z was not just my Cosmic Lesson, Seven of Spades but also a tool for my Seven of Hearts. That's why we drag on for so long with intermittent break up from both sides.
So the truth is we were never together. The truth is there is probably no us. So what's there to betray.
Father, thanks for further giving me more clarity on my Seven of Hearts.
I got Nine of Diamonds as second karma card I can let go of Z. I can let go of my own misguided interpretation of my relationship; I can let got of my bad expectation on relationship. Finally let go of my Seven of Hearts.

Father, thank U, another breakthrough. Amen.

Osho
My whole approach is to give u absolute freedom so u never feel any revenge for me.

Soul
When I read this I tot of Z who gives me freedom to be whoever I m. And I fell in love with him cos I tot he accepted me truly.
Alas in truth, he only gave me freedom cos he never plan to have me with him cos by nature he is a control person.

Mmm, so much clarity today. Feel humbled. Seeing it as it is.

Never mind. Even if I don't want to blame him, lets not blame ourselves. We don't know any better. We can't do any differently. And it is past. I don't want to hurt myself for the past. It meant to happen due to Seven of Hearts.
At least can learn final lesson from Z. Total detachment from me; so I too must totally detached from him. Realised my Nine of Hearts in Jupiter.