I used to be immature - closing all doors to love

Aug 21 eve
I have uploaded two My stories into www.joyong.org and also written one on psychological vs existential.

Father, I had a good massage. Throughout I focus that my fat and tension be dissolved upon touch. Yea, I had gained back some of the weight I lost. This July and August, I was using food to love myself. I was acting recalcitrant. Time to stop.
I have not weigh myself since 30 July. My denims felt stretched.

Braced myself and weighed. Didnt go up. Great. Guess not eating meat helps. But great if can go down further.

Osho - razor edge
Suchness - remember not as a word but as a feeling. There is no grudge, no complaint, no desire that things should be different than they are. A tremendous acceptance arises. This acceptance is real and authentic religiousness.

Soul
Truly to be able to say God willing with acceptance is great. Yes, I would like to use that God willing cos I know not what is best for me.

Osho - razor edge
U want love but u don't accept the shadow of it. Fear is as natural as love.
Love is like a breeze that comes and you can enjoy it and u can dance with it, but u cannot hold it in ur fist.
Hence the fear that as soon as it has come it may go.
But if u meditate on the whole problem - if it has come - the breeze, the love, the joy - existence is not exhausted; it will be coming again and again.
And the more mature u become, the more is the possibility of love coming to u. And ur maturity will soon be that u don't close the windows and doors to keep love imprisoned - that is childish.
And the fear is that the love will come and will go - u cannot control it.

There are only 2 ways.
One is that of an immature person, who will close his windows before love enters in so that he is safe from the misery, from the pain, from the fear that love may leave him.
He is safe but this safety is costly. And because he wants to be safe and he is afraid, love may be strong enough .., it may be a storm and may open the windows and doors. Not to take the risk, u say close the doors and windows and u escape from the back door. This is the way of immature person.

Soul
That's what I did for many years.  I foolishly convinced myself I don't want love. Later I knew it was fear. But still I can't open my doors until after Isha.

After gaining courage from Isha tools, I opened up and fell in love with Z. But after more than one year and  he still didn't love me, fear arise and I closed down and asked for break up. After fear subside during my ashram experience in December 2012, I asked for return but by then he was already engaged.
Finally  losing him made me realise that I truly want love. But fear came on the aftermath suffering.
After ashram in July I am back now I want to love again. This time I expect good love. Lifetime Seven of Hearts has dissolved.

Osho
The mature person will make as many doors and as many windows or even live in the open where breezes are coming and flowing.
And each time the breeze goes, he knows deep in his heart that this is only a moment of rest; a fresher breeze with more fragrance will  be coming.
And it goes on happening again and again, one becomes more and more mature, and the fear fades away. It just become what it is - negative shadow; it has no existence.

Soul
Wow! Really great and timely message. Just after I had contact with Z, being myself.

Osho - razor edge
Love is a test - if it feels too much, that means ur consciousness is too small.
Rather than being worried about love, u should be more concerned about expanding ur consciousness ... a few more acres are needed.
And whenever it feels too much, always remember u need more space. Love is never too much, it is always that the space is too small. Ur insistence should be on the space, because that is in ur hands, up make it bigger or not.
Love is not in ur hands. Love is something that comes from beyond.