Mind is active on whatever it perceives as 'attacking'.

Jul 29
Woke up at 4.30 am alarm. I know I slept late last night cos disturbed by P's call. This morning I woke up with tots of P. Honestly I m dreading her calls these days as they sound reprimanding. Every time I hear her calls, the first thing in my mind, what else have I done wrong especially when she raised her voice. Guess this is my past of brother's criticism.

Did my 5 cycles of Surya Kriya. Lovely. Went in deep. My breathe fluttering is fine now. Lost my two feet on ground but I m happy with my progress  I was laughing loads at the end.
Did a quick Shavasana and heard the time that guard gate opens at 6 am. I knew I done much longer time on Surya kriya. So that leave little time for my breathing meditation. Did a quick one with hand holding mudra. Dull violet flame appears. Wish I can spend more time. Did a quick Shakti without Abridged Kapala Bhakti due to menses.
 Shambavi was good. Saw bright violet flame during Suka Kriya. Towards the end, my arashidharna was on. I felt such a sweet sensation, like a beginning of an orgasm. But no time to sit on longer. In the finale, laughing loads. A tot came, there were no tots of Z at all. Thanks to P who intrude into my mind. My mind is definitely more defensive on P vs Z.

I still feel the sweetness of contentment  when I m driving.
Tots of P came and I just look at it, knowing it truly doesn't matter. How can it matter when I m experiencing sweet contentment. This comes and goes like a waves.
Father, my mind doesn't hold me anymore. It may still affect me but I m able to release it.

At first tot of asking L whether I should tell P. then I waived it off all the drama. Truly it didn't matter. Later on I decided to tell P cos I recalled in my natal chart that I met such people of Parental mode so I can tell them.

Father, suddenly tot that just like I m reacting out of my Past, P could also be doing it. That's why I had to share. Besides we need to work together

P responded to my message. I m glad I have the wisdom of the 7thunder cards of Two of Clubs in Mercury, Two of Hearts in Pluto and Result Nine of Spades.

Knowing that I need to be upfront if I want to have good working relationship made me come forward. Father, it is ok to be vulnerable. I wasn't open with Z and I didn't share my true feelings until after he told me he is getting married.

Thanks to P I m learning.

Father, a tot came. Should I then be upfront with M.