Another possible round of break up with Z

Aug 22
Father, yday I didn't sleep well. I saw Z read my msg but he didn't reply or call me back. Of course, perhaps he was driving and cannot call me. Then I tot he cannot call me because he was with his family. And since I am hidden, he cannot let them know about me. Really spiral downwards.

I went to bed at 10 plus pm and cannot sleep even when Sadhguru's cd has finished playing. Tots were running in my mind on Z. There is still another hurdle to cross for us as I want commitment and he doesn't. I am worried that he will end our rship now that I tell him I wanted commitment.

He could just want to stick to our hidden no commitment rship. I tot that my rship with him is an illusion, just like Sl with her boss. I tot of her saying she only wanted a basic expectation of a friendship and she is not asking for more. Just like me, I just wanted us to be a real couple, nothing more.

I was getting all sad that I have to face another break up again. I should have just continue with the break up instead of facing this dilemma. Tots was running on and on. Alas, I tot of Sadhguru saying our drama is just a speck in this universe, I tot of Z as just a speck in mine and then I finally got to sleep.

Part of me feels the mind is never ending. Yea, I will get Z but then there be other issues again. The target pole keep on shifting.


Diamond Heart - book 3
Surrender can only be awareness of activity. When u r aware of that activity, u r not interested in engaging in it. If u can feel the core of frustration directly and understand what it is, u r not engaged in it even though u might be feeling it.

And the more u see it, the more it becomes ego-alien. If u see the activity and don't go along with it, then the essential state which u have been resisting will arise, and melt away the contraction and reactivity. What arises is a kind of acceptance and love, which flows and melts you away.

Soul
I informed Z that I wanted him to be at my family new year eve dinner next year, 6 months away. I am giving him time. Instead of me pondering and drown in my dilemma, just tell him. If he wants to leave, so be it. I must let him knows what I want instead of hiding out of fear that he may reject us. I am ready. I deserved more.

Yea, true. There was a contraction before I can act. But it is time. I didn't say it the other day cos I don't want to spoil our coming back together. But since we are not really together yet, best to clear this.

Diamond Heart - book 3
Being's action is spontaneous, unified, complete, total, clear, specific, with no confusion and no mind.
The actions that we have no emotional conflicts are done with great ease and fluidity by Being. Ur mind does not need to be involved with them.
That is why it is said that if u r willing to be aligned to the supreme will, there is no end to the plenitude that u can achieve in ur life.

This is because ur action is the most correct action, the action that goes with all the rest of existence, and it can only benefit everything and everybody involved, including u at all levels. It is the most unifying action.

You are then not doing according to ur opinions or preferences, but u r surrendering to the supreme will. Most of the time, because we r identified with the personality, we r busy reacting and we complain that we r suffering. There is no possibility of ending the suffering unless u case reacting and become Being. Suffering can't end because it is the very process of ur reaction.