Courage to ask for what I want from Z

Sept 11

Woke up 4.10 am, waiting for alarm. I deliberately slept earlier yesterday so I can do hata. Got up at 4.20 am when alarm rang. Mind still reluctant but I just do it. First 2 cycle was stiff, but third cycle onward was ok and I was laughing by sixth cycle and by ten cycle I can feel the subtle body and it is quite pleasurable.

Had tots of Z when I was driving to work, don't know where we are heading. He seems to go into hibernation whenever I said I want commitment. Not sure how we can progress further. Part of me fear he goes away again. Then a tot arise, he came back even after u said u wanted commitment. Tots was browsing. Then suddenly I saw the flower branches and my mind stopped. I laughed, so much drama in my mind. One thing for sure, is that I want him to be at my family dinner this new year eve. And that's what I wished for during shakti meditation. And dilemma and avoiding him isn't going to get me there. So, I decided to invite him to our 3 days 2 night trip at the resort. And I can clear my queries with him there instead of going thru the dilemma on my own. Just sent him the msg.
I love him and we are going forward. This time I will ask for what I want. Nothing to lose.

Staying OK
Small change, sustained, is more certain to produce different outcomes in life's transactions than the dramatic emergence of a "new you". In flying a plane, as little as a five degree change in heading will make a significant difference in the total outcome of the journey.
Although a change in thinking precedes a change in behaviour, it is changed behaviour that counts. Action, not thinking alone, is what produces a new set of recordings, grow boutons, whose altered firing patterns sustain change.

1. The difference I want
2. How far do I want to go?
3. Gain and loss
4. What will I do differently?

Change produces loss as well as gain. If the loss is not anticipated, and consequences are uncomfortable, we may feel our decision to change was wrong.
Change in ourselves may be disruptive to others. That is why it is important to talk about our intentions with those we love, so our change does not become a threat to them.
Often we feel the loss before we feel the gain. We must therefore, keep our goal in sight so that a momentary dip in our self-confidence does not cause us to scrap our program.

Soul
He read my msg, no answer yet. Yea, right move. If he says no, then I can move on. If he says yes, then progress. I realised with him, don't use mind. Just go with the flow. On the resort, I can go on my own too.

Staying OK
Everything costs.
If we want more freedom, we will have to accept more responsibility.

Record ur gains. The Child likes to see progress. Keeping records of the important changes in our life not only show us what we did but spurs us on with the proof we can.
Keep ur current want list handy. Carry it with u as an ever-present reminder of ur life plan.

Soul
Yea, go thru Top 5 again.

Staying OK
One and Only, None and Lonely
Relying on one person to fill all of one's emotional needs is a setup for failure.
Initial closeness begins to feel the strain of carefulness. If u mean everything to me, I dare not offend u. It is hard to be real with someone u need that much. With amazing speed, the configuration of the rship changes to an A-frame, both persons leaning on each other for dear life, but not close. Boredom sets in also. Soon he and she knows all the partner's jokes, anecdotes and history; and irritation sets in. "U don't tell me u love me anymore". One say accusingly. "U know I love u," comes the slightly irritated reply.

Soul
I had tot of why Z doesn't miss me. A reply came. He is activated by being useful. He is useful to his family and he is on call, so very little alone time. Whatever left alone time is meant for recuperation. That's why he doesn't have time to miss me.
Whereas, I am not useful to my family. I have adequate alone time and hence still got time to miss him. He has none.

Still no reply from him. Guess he is aware he is stepping into 'dangerous" ground.

Staying OK
Healthy relationships requires community: friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, members in social groups in which the entire family participate or groups in which family members participate individually with others who share mutualities of interest and need. If ur life is built on our "one and only", be prepared for none and lonely.
Idolatry is built on the illusion that if we worship someone enough, he or she will love us forever and ever. The reality is, sometimes people disappoint us, particularly if they prefer being real persons rather than idols.

Soul
With Z, nothing to lose, not even him.

King of Spades
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is urs for the taking, but u have to claim it.

Soul
Yea. Me issuing the invite was the first step. I m working towards him coming for my family dinner.