Feeling unwanted by bosses

Sept 3 Aft

Father, what a Monday!
When I saw my Transformation card ; of me jumping of a burning tower. I wonder what could it be. I am supposed to have a good week.

E was angry with me for being in old company and he even demand that I gave him the breakdown of hours since day One.

This morning S questioned why am I not serving 3 months notice. I told him I only serve 2 months and he said he needed a separate discussion on that. He was saying additional salary costs for Q4 is high at 56k.

So, I told both of them I make them both happy with zero cost for me in Sept and Oct. I take a break without salary. I will continue in old company from 1 Nov.

SL just told me that new company Sept results is also poor and E is looking at means to reduce costs. Then I said perfect that I make the suggestion to leave early by 1 month.

Soul
I interpreted both E and SS as 'rejecting' me and instead of accepting it, I reject them too and offer them a solution of time-off since they worrying about costs.
E is throwing me to SS and SS is throwing me back. Well, I said both of them need not throw me back, I can lift myself out of situation for 2 months. I can afford 2 months without salary. I am not validated by my work.

Father, I am actually surprised. I m not sure if the old me would do that. Most likely I crawl back to my shell, feeling rejected, feeling unwanted but not doing a thing. Crawl out when I feel safe.

Just like Z throwing me back. I pick myself up. I don't need Z to validate me. Once I realised that, my anxiety over his non-response evaporate. I still love him but he no longer validate me.

Staying OK
"I"m OK - You're OK" can best be understood when it is compared with the position of early childhood, "I'm Not OK - You're Ok.
We believe all children make this pre-verbal conclusion during the first or second year of child.

Soul
Exactly. When my mom gave me to my neighbour. I interpreted I am not OK. Instead, actually I am OK, that's why I was selected for free carrier.

When Z withdraw from me, the "I am Not OK" came back and I was trying best to fight it, asking him to come back so I can avoid feeling "I am Not OK". Once I decided I am fine with the Not OK feeling, I need not fight for him to be back.

Staying Ok.
Some children are more happy than others. We believe the behaviour of happy children is a result of unconditional love and straight, consistent, caring parental instruction and demonstration of how to think and solve problems. Thinking and doing produce knowledge and mastery, despite the original decision!

Soul
I am generally happy until I encounter rejection. Thanks to my parents and siblings, I am quite protected.

Goethe
When we treat a man as he is, we make him worse than he is. When we treat him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what he should be.

Staying OK
I am OK - You are Ok is an amendment to our constitution. Many good and novel actions may ensue. It does not mean that the earlier decision is erased, for it was recorded and every so often it replays. But our later decisions is recorded too.
The more conscious we become of this new way to look at ourselves and others, the more readily we are able to change the nature of our daily transactions, our greetings, our attitudes, our reaction to stress, and the way we handle our feelings.
Our guiding star is the faith that something better can exist between persons in this world than the combative and manipulative exchanges that threaten to destroy us today.

Soul
Exactly, when I suddenly see it is possible that I am OK instead of Not OK when Z leaves me, my anxiety evaporates. When I realised without Z, I am fine too.


Staying OK
Parent - OK, no matter what. The internal dialogue in which we hear the same applause, warnings, accusations and punishment we heard when we were toddlers.

Adult

Child


Soul
My parent - or rather my mom. We r better off and should not feel sorry. We should feel empowered. We should and can always do more even when we are down. We don't have the right to feel sorry for ourselves.

Mmm, perhaps that's where I lost my boundaries.